Feeling JADEd

[Headfog]

After a very pleasant period of several months of minimal contact/shallow message exchanges, my uNPDmother has decided she's had enough of my distant behaviour and lack of responsiveness. She has started using the OG (obligation & guilt) card to force a reaction. My reluctance to respond to her messages is being described as bordering on arrogant and apparently she is tired of treading on egg shells by trying not to say the wrong thing. She is also finding my behaviour hurtful.

This comes as no surprise as it was only a matter of time for her to start getting fed up with my (medium chill) non-compliance. My non-compliance hasn't been the result of a particular incident or a falling out, but has been a recent realisation on my part that I don't want to play her games anymore. So it may appear confusing to her why I am being like this.

While I have taken my time to respond to her messages, avoiding to react from a place of irritation or anger, I did provide some (very general) reasons (half truths) as to why I have not been communicating much. This is where I'd like to hear your views. While I'm trying to steer clear of falling into the JADE trap, I somehow still feel like I want to take some of the pressure out of the situation, using medium chill and nondefensive communication in order not to be pulled into lengthy JADEd interactions. By doing so, am I not already to some degree justifying, arguing, explaining or defending myself?

I could choose not to respond altogether. Would this maybe be a better option at this point?
From my perspective, I'm simply sticking to my boundaries, which is sth I'm more committed to than ever before. This is obviously becoming apparent to my mother, prompting her to kick into action.

This leads me to another more general question.
For those of you who maintain a medium chill relationship with your PD parent(s), choosing to keep things between you as shallow and boring as possible to avoid being dragged back into the FOG, what do you feel you still get from this kind of relationship? Obviously it has little to no substance and you have to be on guard all the time. Is it because of those rare times when you share some kind of joyful moment together? I'm curious...it's something I'm grappling with at the moment.

I'd appreciate your views.
Thanks.

[Sneezy]

For those of you who maintain a medium chill relationship with your PD parent(s), choosing to keep things between you as shallow and boring as possible to avoid being dragged back into the FOG, what do you feel you still get from this kind of relationship?

For me, I think it is truly about obligation.  I manage my mom's care (she is in memory care) and try to visit her and maintain some kind of contact because she is my mom.  The obligation isn't really an obligation to my mom, but to my family.  My siblings and I get along really well, and we all work together to take care of mom as best we can.  My mom's mom was a fantastic grandmother, and I know she would have wanted me to make sure her daughter (my mom) was cared for.  I think my entire family has known, for a very long time, that there was something different, and very difficult, about my mom.  Nobody could ever figure her out.  But overall, I had and still have a good family, and so I won't completely throw my mom out of my life.  That said, I can completely understand why others may feel they have no choice but to go no-contact.  The decision is very personal and really depends heavily on the particular circumstances.  Best to you whatever you decide.  Your own mental health has to be your top priority.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Headfog!
I will give the perspective of someone who has a uBPD sister, not mother. For a long time I was following a similar strategy with sis: I would avoid her and medium chill her while not fully cutting off contact. I would indulge her to a certain extent. I don't think it is the same as falling into the JADE trap. You are fully aware of what the situation is like and you have decided that, at this point in your life, you do not have the energy or headspace to do something more drastic, but you still want to protect yourself. It is perfectly understandable. Maybe this will change later on and you will decide you don't want to do that anymore. But the important thing is to keep yourself and your needs into focus.

Personally, I followed the medium chill approach because of family pressure and some sense of obligation. My parents, and especially my dad, were constantly pressuring me about having a relationship with my sister, and keeping a very low contact with her made me feel less guilty. There were also some remnants of care and affection on my part that made me think 'one phone call is not too bad, might be important for her and may not be awful'. The bar was very low, I know. This gradually started changing when sis at some point started chasing me and aggressively messaging me due to my dad's deteriorating health. This shocked me because I thought, after many years of struggles, we had finally landed on a permanent state of low contact and this was what our relationship would be from now on. I didn't see the regression coming! I tried to repeatedly ignore her but she kept badgering me so I ended up blocking her. I unblocked her after a while but the silence during that period felt amazing and made me think that no contact might not be a bad idea. I also had a very open conversation with my dad and told him to stay out of it (he did listen for the most part). My dad passed away soon afterwards and my sister's behaviour during that time cemented my decision to cut ties with her even more. So this has been my own journey so far.

What I am trying to say is that your needs and circumstances may change over time and that may lead you to re-evaluate your stance with your mum. But do not feel bad for maintaining some contact and avoiding a big blow up. This might work best for you for now. If it doesn't work any more, you will reassess the situation. Nothing is static.

[Headfog]

For me, I think it is truly about obligation.  I manage my mom's care (she is in memory care) and try to visit her and maintain some kind of contact because she is my mom.  The obligation isn't really an obligation to my mom, but to my family.  My siblings and I get along really well, and we all work together to take care of mom as best we can.  My mom's mom was a fantastic grandmother, and I know she would have wanted me to make sure her daughter (my mom) was cared for.  I think my entire family has known, for a very long time, that there was something different, and very difficult, about my mom.  Nobody could ever figure her out.  But overall, I had and still have a good family, and so I won't completely throw my mom out of my life.  That said, I can completely understand why others may feel they have no choice but to go no-contact.  The decision is very personal and really depends heavily on the particular circumstances.  Best to you whatever you decide.  Your own mental health has to be your top priority.

Thank you for sharing your situation. The way you describe your circumstances and your reasons as to why you do what you do speaks of you kindness. It makes sense to me that you want to support the rest of your family by playing your part in your mum's care. I found it quite moving to read.

I think in one way or another all of us who continue to have a relationship with a PD parent are in some way still entangled in obligation, and probably guilt as well. I'm not sure it's possible to be completely Out of the FOG while still having semi-regular contact with that person. It can be a confusing emotional muddle and I find it's not always straight forward to decipher what really motivates me to continue to communicate.

[Headfog]

Hi Headfog!
I will give the perspective of someone who has a uBPD sister, not mother. For a long time I was following a similar strategy with sis: I would avoid her and medium chill her while not fully cutting off contact. I would indulge her to a certain extent. I don't think it is the same as falling into the JADE trap. You are fully aware of what the situation is like and you have decided that, at this point in your life, you do not have the energy or headspace to do something more drastic, but you still want to protect yourself. It is perfectly understandable. Maybe this will change later on and you will decide you don't want to do that anymore. But the important thing is to keep yourself and your needs into focus.

I think you're right in making a distinction between medium chill interactions on the one hand, which may even include indulging the person to a degree, and falling into JADE on the other hand. This has clarified the concept of JADE for me. If my interaction with my mother is done with full awareness of her head games / emotional abusiveness, it's not JADE, because of my deeper understanding of the mechanics that are at work in this type of unhealthy relationship. I'm consciously choosing what/how I communicate rather than being triggered into reactivenss and into JADE.

I unblocked her after a while but the silence during that period felt amazing and made me think that no contact might not be a bad idea.

That's the funny thing, the fact that when my mother does not communicate with me, usually because she's giving me the silent treatment, I enjoy it so much, it's like a holiday, and yet she thinks she's punishing me.  

What I am trying to say is that your needs and circumstances may change over time and that may lead you to re-evaluate your stance with your mum. But do not feel bad for maintaining some contact and avoiding a big blow up. This might work best for you for now. If it doesn't work any more, you will reassess the situation. Nothing is static.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

Thanks for your input!

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have been operating grey rock and medium chill for some years now. Before I even found this site and knew these methods were a thing. My chill has been getting steadily chillier as I have got stronger and more confident with my boundaries (since starting therapy).

I am waiting for my mother to do similar to yours. I am not sure if she will because she may fear hearing some home truths. Like you, I do think she may be having some difficulties in dealing with my new behaviour. This last year has seen some very difficult issues for FOO and the wheels seem to be falling off. My father has had major health problems. My mother is a full blown narc, and the other members of the family are too (I strongly suspect and my T agrees).

All of the tools are there to be used as necessary and I think they should be adjusted to your particular situation. There is no need to beat yourself up for not producing a perfect version of JADE if in fact you had to make some superficial explanation to keep her off your back. The important thing is that you are aware of what you are doing, and why. If you find you got trapped into a lengthier explanation than you might have liked then you can learn from that and think about how you might avoid doing it next time around.

What do I still get from the relationship? A [relatively] quiet life. When I was fully in the FOG it was awful. However my FOO installed very, very strong duty and obligation software into me. That, coupled with societal views about family, make it impossible for me to walk away. I would feel obliged to justify that decision. Doing so might make me feel obliged to open a big, fact can of worms and explain what my FOO is really like. Another thing that was drummed into me is never to speak the truth about my family. Making any explanation to third parties, however mild and far from the actual truth, would feel like a very traitorous act. Especially if there was any possibility of it getting back to them. It took me ages to come to terms with this in connection with using an anonymous forum and even longer in connection with face to face therapy, despite the confidentiality obligations of the therapist.

Having said that, although I do not want to end the relationship, I believe I am now strong enough to do so if forced down that road by FOO. They, in turn, seem to sense my distance and growing strength and (for the moment at least) seem to respect it. So we occupy our respective trenches and have a truce.

What I do not get from the relationship are any fleeting moments of fun or joy. Those moments used to be like the gambling machine jackpots that kept me coming back for more. I used to believe they were genuinely fun for me. But I have realised they never were. They were all about keeping mother happy. If she was happy my immediate situation was way better than if she was not. That is all. I have recently got so much stronger and more confident in my boundaries that I have chosen to share some aspects of my life and hobbies I had kept private, just to see what would happen, because I have had a big achievement that most parents would be enthusiastic about. Her response was as dismissive as possible, while keeping within the bounds of politeness. If it's not all about her she doesn't give a damn. Never did. Never will.

[Headfog]

They, in turn, seem to sense my distance and growing strength and (for the moment at least) seem to respect it. So we occupy our respective trenches and have a truce.

That's sounds workable. I'd say at the moment that's more or less what I'm working towards. Minimal contact with some kind of mutual understanding to keep it that way (at least for now).

I have recently got so much stronger and more confident in my boundaries that I have chosen to share some aspects of my life and hobbies I had kept private, just to see what would happen, because I have had a big achievement that most parents would be enthusiastic about. Her response was as dismissive as possible, while keeping within the bounds of politeness. If it's not all about her she doesn't give a damn. Never did. Never will.

That's an experience I can relate to a lot. I've stopped sharing most events happening in my life for this exact reason, no matter how significant. It's sad that it's a better choice not share these kinds of things and to act against your natural instinct to do so, but in the long run it solidifies your autonomy and protects your boundaries.


Take care NarcKiddo