Hello

[Violet25]

Hello, I'm "Violet" and wanted to introduce myself before posting in any of the other subforums.

I was raised by a mother and stepfather with emotionally abusive and manipulative PD. I then went into a ten year relationship with someone similar to my stepdad, but worse.

I've been done with the romantic relationship for over a decade, but the emotional and spiritual damage takes time to heal.

I have Demand Avoidance because of this and have never catered to my mom's manipulation tactics, but as she's well into her seventies it does create a terrible amount of guilt and anger for me.

I'm here looking for solutions to stop ruminating on her behavior and try to accept it without internalizing it, since I'm not quite willing to go NC with her.

Likewise for my memories with the person I dated for a decade. I'm here trying to find a way to release all of the shame, anger, and hatred that has built up or been taught, and ensure that those learned traits don't get passed on to my own children.

[bloomie]

Hi Violet25 - I am so glad you found this community of fellow travelers! Thank you for sharing a bit of what brings you here. You describe complex experiences that would take time and distance to truly heal from and process.

How important to surround yourself with peer support as you set your sights on recovery and freedom from the after effects of all you have been through.

The conversations taking place on the forum subforms has been like nothing else I have engaged in with my own healing journey. There is something uniquely powerful and helpful in sharing, sometimes shockingly similar, experiences and hearing the insights and coping others have to offer.

There are resources and tools all over the forum that are in place to help light your way. We are here and ready to encourage you when you are ready to engage! Welcome to Out of the FOG! 

[Violet25]

Thank you kindly, bloomie. I didn't want to rehash so much of my mom's infuriating, hurtful, and disappointing behavior for fear of just rambling endlessly.

Suffice it to say, it's consistently inconsistent and nothing anyone does or doesn't do for her is good enough.

It's like she wants to show love, but learned somewhere along the way that people would hurt her with it, so there's always a catch or a hook with anything "kind" that she does.

As she ages and people generally avoid her because she simply refuses to respect anyone's boundaries or be sincere, she has become (seemingly) deliberately helpless, as if to try to force us to do everything for her.

She tries to use the house she lives in as leverage, as we all know I'm supposed to inherit it, and it has deep sentimental value to me.

Unfortunately, she has allowed a lot of it to become trashed by her multitude of feral cats she insists on bringing inside.

She deliberately says and does things that make people uncomfortable or self conscious, so we avoid her quite a bit. The guilt trips, gossip, and attempts at coercion are predictably consistent.

I often second guess myself, wondering if I'm being too inflexible or harsh, as I can be both sometimes.

So that's the gist of the details. Thank you for your response.

[Rebel13]

Hi Violet! This is a great forum and I know you will find support and help here as well as over the rest of the site. I'm looking at articles in the Toolbox all the time and thinking, "Why did I never know about this?!?"

What is Demand Avoidance?

I have gotten a lot of relief the last few months working with a trauma therapist. I know that's not possible for a lot of people, so I have put a bunch of things that I found helpful in the Resources section, alongside things others have shared. Highly recommend checking it out and seeing if anything is useful to you.

All the best from one daughter of a narc mom to another!