The lying and the consequences on my health

[LMS2024]

Hi all,

I posted earlier this year about my Dad being in Hospital. After that blip he went onto be 100% in better health and went home in July with my Mum. Or has he?.

I'm confused 2 pretty big topics came up in the family because other extended family (my cousin) is going through similar situations to what I have experienced with my FOO (its my Mum's side of the family they are all kinds of messed up, it explains a lot) one in August and one two weeks ago where my Dad has rewritten history and made him out to be a infinitely better human than he actually is. Its very odd because he is making up conversations that I have never had with him ever.

So the crux of the question is, does he know he is lying or is he starting with early onset dementia or does he really believe the lies he tells as truth.

I have tried several times to talk with my Mum and Dad about what happens as they get older with their health. I should probably note I am genuinely concerned if something happens to either of them about how it will be managed because my Sister seems very hands off and her Husband is very money grabbing and I worry he would care more about their inheritance than the type of care my parents receive. I'm in the UK so fortunately NHS but care packages etc.. cost quite a lot.

At this point I have made peace with the fact I will get no inheritance from them its their choice whatever. However I do not want to be paying out of my pocket for their care because my golden child Sister and her Husband have made poor financial choices.

Anyway back to the matter at hand after being told this lie 2 weeks ago my health has nosedived I'm now on a course of antibiotics for a tooth infection and I had a GP appointment today where I explained how I felt in my physical health and a little about my family dynamics and how stressful a year it has been and how at Christmas its hard because of my family situation. Fair play the Doctor was awesome and offered some things to help but I think I was shocked when he looked horrified after he asked will you see your family over Christmas and I said no they will not see me (they will be with the golden child, her Husband and their Grandkids) he genuinely looked horrified like what did I just hear.

Sometimes I think you just live this life with the crap you deal with and when other people hear your story and react you are like oh yeah it is pretty messed up but up until that point you didn't realise how messed up.

I feel a bit like I'm using this as therapy writing what has happened and how I feel like a stamp of a moment in time.

I'm thinking of gifting myself no contact for Christmas because after all the lies and my health woes I just don't think I can deal with them at the moment.

You know what to whoever is reading this we are strong and we will be ok, Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings, LMS xxx

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry for what you've been going through healthwise and familywise, LMS.  Holidays can be a very hard time for us.  I am really finding that as well, especially this year.  I have found the gradations of NC, VVLC, VLC, LC to be quite helpful.   I've used all of them and sometimes moved from one to an even lower level of contact.  I totally support you in following what you need to take care of yourself.

As far as your main question ....  Figuring out what's going on in the head of a pwPD is somewhat beyond me.  Having read up on PDs helps me have a general understanding of the nature of the disordered thinking.  But specifics?  I am convinced that the PDex and some FOO absolutely do not have the same sense of reality nons do.  (This goes way beyond normal POV differences.)

At times I have concluded "this is a distortion this person wholeheartedly believes" (and also found it impossible to use logic to move them).  Other times I couldn't tell.  Some of these distortions could not be farther from what factually happened.  In these cases there was no dementia.  Perhaps a provider can do a standard assessment in your dad's case.

I hope you give yourself lots of TLC this season and let us know how you're doing! 

[Sneezy]

So the crux of the question is, does he know he is lying or is he starting with early onset dementia or does he really believe the lies he tells as truth.

That is the big question.  And the answer is "all of the above," plus many other reasons.  My mom has lied for as long as I can remember.  Big lies, little lies, lies that are just so obvious I have to laugh.  The reasons are varied and I even have a list as to why:

1. A lie is used to manipulate someone into doing what she wants them to do.
2. A lie is used to further her narrative that she is a martyr, a saint, and the most long-suffering person on earth.
3. She truly can't remember what happened, so she fills in the blanks with a lie (this is sometimes referred to as confabulation).
4. It's entertaining for her to lie and she what she can get away with (sometimes called "duper's delight")
5. The truth is all relative to her.  She lies because whatever she says becomes her truth.  And we are all expected to go along with the lie, which is now the truth.
6. She is perfect in every way.  So she lies about anything that may be seen as an imperfection.  It doesn't matter what her blood work says, she lies and says it's all perfect, because she is in perfect health and no one is going to tell her different.
7. She lies to get attention.
8. She is never wrong.  So if something doesn't work, such as her TV, it's because someone else came into her room and changed all the settings.

Do our parents know they are lying?  I have no idea.  One of my favorite examples of my mom lying is when she called and demanded that I bring her a case of bottled water because she was completely out.  I was deep into the FOG at that point and so I immediately brought her a case of water, only to see that her fridge was full of bottled water.  Mom insisted that I was wrong and she only had a few bottles.  So I sat down on the kitchen floor in front of my mom and she watched while I counted out loud - 40 bottes of water were already in her fridge.  I then shut the fridge door and said "Mom, you have 40 bottles of water." To which she replied "no, I only have 5 bottles." It didn't matter that I had just counted out loud in front of her.  Her truth was the only truth that mattered.

Dealing with someone who lies all the time is so difficult.  And you may need to lower your contact in order to save your own sanity.  Do what you need to do, especially at this time of the year.  Take care of yourself and keep your boundaries up and fully charged.  If you are also dealing with the beginnings of dementia, it is likely to get worse.  So take frequent breaks.