What will make her stop?

[MaggiesFarm]

Hello forum!

It's my first time posting after spending so much time reading your posts and answers. I've searched for a community of people who are in secondary relationships with a partner who has suffered long-term emotional abuse at the hands of an unrelenting UNPD ex, because this ish is HARD!

My BF's UNPD ex-wife is unrelenting. The emotional abuse has all but crippled him and has seriously impacted his three kids (late teen/early adult aged). She is intrusive, controls through communication, and no matter what he does, will not accept the reality of the end of their marriage. They have been separated for years but divorce not finalized. When he calls to speak with his kids she insists on being part of the conversation. When he brings up the separation/pending divorce she throws a tantrum, crying, asking why he doesn't love her, asking what she can do, then berating him for "abandoning" the family, throwing things, screaming...then assaulting him through texts and phone calls. It is exhausting and infuriating. The ex and kids live about an hour away and that has presented a pretty big challenge when it comes to his ability to spend time with them. I have asked as many times as I can manage about the kids coming to stay with him. His youngest has, once. The older two have been to his place but have not stayed. They are capable of making the trip themselves but he blames their schedules as the reason they haven't come down. I understand that he is sensitive to the kids stages of life, where part time jobs, friendships, school, and sports are their day to day, but I also know there is more to it—-a fear based reaction to persistent abuse and neglect. For years his ex made him feel like he was an outsider in his own life. She excluded him from activities with the kids, she wouldn't allow him to do simple things for the kids and then would use that to complain that she was the only good parent. She said life was easier without him. As a result there is this deep fear of not belonging, or of being a disappointment to his children, of not wanting to disrupt their lives. Now, in order to see them, he goes back to the house that his kids share with his ex. Of course, this creates even more opportunity for her to manipulate, control, and abuse. It allows her to live in her own false reality, where he is "home" with her, supporting an image that protects her own ego.

He has talked to the kids about coming here, they are eager, excited, willing. He has yet to officially schedule something with them and hold to it. This has been going on for a year now. He recognizes the problem more clearly, that it's not about their schedules.  I know (and he acknowledges) that there is fear present given that the kids coming to be with him here leaves her alone there, and that will invite an onslaught of abuse. I know that is the underlying issue, and he knows it too. I feel like until this happens she maintains control over his access to them. It also has created opportunity for her to  guilt him for choosing a life without his kids, because his kids are there, with her. 

He sees how she uses the kids, the kids will even talk openly to him about how miserable she makes everything. He knows that he has to take a strong and clear position and make this happen, and makes plans but then doesn't hold
To them. I feel helpless, angry, frustrated. I feel awful for him and for them. Also I do see how it affects me. I feel like my life is somehow also subject to her control and abuse. I just don't know what to do. I love this man, I am committed to him, I enjoy the life we get to live together, but that life feels incomplete to me if his kids are never part of it. 

Is this a losing battle? Has anyone else been here before with a partner who has made it "out" but still finds themselves pulled in? Who clearly sees the abuse, manipulation, and its impact, but still struggles, gripped by anxiety and fear.

Do I keep pushing or do I stop and give space for him to figure this out?

[moglow]

Hello MaggiesFarm, and welcome to Out of the FOG! This has to be incredibly hard to watch, when all you want is for your loved one to share life with his children, barred from that by an overbearing [ex]spouse.

I've been that kid - the one that mother made every visit and phone call miserable. We witnessed her tirades and meltdowns, the relentless talking smack about Daddy and what she thought he should be doing while ignoring her own role in the situation. It honestly was easier to go along to get along [and miss out on so much with Daddy] than put up with her emotional trainwreck both before and after visits. She saw it as an either/or all or nothing situation, not that we had two parents and should rightfully have relationships with each of them. 

I tell you this because it could well be that's what your fella's kids are going through. Older teen and young adult they may be, but as long as they're dependent on her she pulls those strings. Can/does he have cell phone numbers, can they be encouraged to call and contact him when not at home? Not hide it from her exactly but she may well be monitoring and restricting that as well. They're coming of an age where they can reasonably and rightfully separate from her control - it's still hard to stand up to a parent who's volatile and/or angry.

All I know to tell you is to be encouraging, both with him and them. Encourage him to push to see them, and be there in his disappointment when they find they can't. Going back to spend time in the marital home? That has to be incredibly uncomfortable for everyone - can he at least take them out for other activities, pick them up and go rather than hanging about? And no, I don't mean including her. She's a grown person and has to find her own way just like everyone else. If that marriage has ended/is ending, she has to adapt just like everyone else.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Maggiesfarm!  Glad you posted, it always helps to have conversations with people that understand when things get tricky.  I am a step-mom to 2 amazing young adults, but we definitely walked through hell for awhile. 

Dealing with a PD is a really tough situation.  How long have you been with your boyfriend?  In my opinion, you may want to really think through what you are ok with for your future.  Before I married DH, I did a lot of soul searching.  BM may be in you lives always, your BF may not have a great relationship with his kids...can you live with that?  You said it feels incomplete if the kids aren't around.

I was lucky that DH had some sort of 6 sense to make decisions that were right for the kids.  He fought like mad for them, and he took a lot of proverbial punches to the gut from BM, the kids, the professionals involved, but he never waivered in what was best for the kids.  Even with a partner that was rock solid, it was crazy hard. At the end of the day, just being with your BF has to be enough.  You can support and encourage him and love his kids as your own, but he will ultimately make the final decisions for how their relationships are managed.

Understanding why your BF doesn't follow up with plans with the kids may be helpful.  He may literally be unable to do it out of some fear/trauma..."will he be rejected", "how will BM respond and how will that impact everyone".  Maybe gently understanding what BF is feeling, you can make him understand that you are a team and he can lean on you for support, advice, strength.