In-Laws Feeling Trapped

[Iris7313]

Backstory...

My boyfriend of 4.5 years has an incredibly toxic, controlling, manipulative, and NC mom. We're working on setting boundaries, but it's still really hard. He didn't see the issues at first, but now he recognizes the toxic behavior. However, setting boundaries and feeling heard continues to be a challenge.

First, we live in his family's house in Washington, while his parents live in California. When they come to visit, they stay for 2–5 weeks at a time. They consider it their house because they paid the down payment, but their names aren't on the deed. (Fine, that makes sense.) But when they visit, all our routines change to fit their ways, and we're expected to follow their house rules. I pay monthly rent, but they constantly remind me that I'm just a "guest" and make subtle gestures to assert their status and power over me.

For context, my partner's parents are from Vietnam, and I'm white and Jewish. I understand that a lot of this may be cultural, but it's still overwhelming.

After every single visit, they leave a laundry list of things I've done wrong, and the passive-aggressive tension is unbearable.

I've been told I'm too loud, talk too much, ungrateful, selfish, rude, unthoughtful, spacey, too dependent on my partner, too independent, unfit for motherhood, careless, and unable to handle stress. I've been criticized for closing doors too loudly, trying to "take over the house," having too many clothes, too much tea, too many hobbies, too much art, and too many plants. They've even made jabs at my neurodiversity, specifically my dyslexia and ADHD. ... I could go on.

Every visit ends with a list of things I need to "fix" about my personality or habits. I try so hard, but it's never good enough. I buy them dinner, flowers, make cookies, cook meals, and give thoughtful presents, but nothing seems to help.

The current situation is...

His family is in town for 6 weeks, helping with repairs due to water damage. This year, for Christmas, I asked my boyfriend to visit my family. (It would be his first holiday with my family in 4.5 years.) We had these plans all year.

His mom was extremely upset and guilt-tripped him for weeks, repeatedly asking why he "needed" to visit my family. Despite the pressure, he stood his ground and came to Christmas with me. We had a great time.

How she treated me...

   •   When I gave her a Christmas gift, she said, "Oh, we don't do gifts," which isn't true.

   •   On Christmas, she didn't respond to my holiday text. I accidentally texted her work number first but later corrected it. She turned this into a guilt trip about me "always making mistakes."

   •   When she picked us up from the airport, I said, "Hey! Thanks for picking me up." She didn't respond. The entire car ride, she only spoke to my boyfriend, asking him about his plans, dinner, etc., while completely ignoring me. When we got out of the car, she said, "Bye, John," without acknowledging me.
   •   We also noticed that she had covered the magnets with my name on postcards on our fridge.

The confrontation...

The next day, my boyfriend confronted her at dinner (I wasn't there).

   •   She denied covering the postcards.

   •   She didn't apologize for ignoring me.

   •   She told him she was angry because he didn't ask her permission to visit my family for Christmas and said he should've asked instead of informing them of his plans.

   •   She's also upset that I greet her with "Hey!" instead of "Hello, [name]."

My boyfriend said there was more, but I didn't want to know. He constantly has to defend me and stand up for me, which puts so much strain on us. I know I'm a good person, and I don't feel I deserve this. We love each other so much, but I feel trapped in this dynamic. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom for an apology. I feel like ignoring me in the car and not greeting me was next level and seriously hurt. He says he's not going to ask her that because he knows his mom and she will never apologize and it will only make things worse. This drives me crazy because I'm expected to go to more dinners this week and ask like nothing is wrong while the continuously judge me.  My boyfriend says I need to acknowledge on the meals they cook for me and how that is their love language. He says they do like me and I need to be grateful for all the homemade meals and things they fix around the house. (Fair .. this is nice.. but I still have to walk on egg shells , go through panic attacks , serious depression triggers)

The next step...

I recently accepted a job in Vietnam as a teacher, and I'm moving next month because I feel so exhausted by this situation. My boyfriend is coming with me and plans to rent out the house. However, I feel like this is just a temporary band-aid. He still owes his family a significant amount of money for the house and the water damage repairs. I worry we can't live abroad forever.

How do you handle this?

[Rebel13]

Hi Iris! No wonder you're feeling trapped! This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation.

I know there are wonderful people in this forum who will have great thoughts and advice because they've gone through similar situations with their significant other.

In the meantime, I just wanted to say, it sounds like your upcoming move will be a GREAT opportunity for you to spend time looking through the resources on this site and forum. You can read some stories from others that might give you insight and strategies for coping with your own. You can also read some of the articles in the Toolbox section -- personally I like the ones on Boundaries, JADE, and Medium Chill for starters -- and start practicing those skills with your boyfriend and his family while you are at a convenient distance from them. You don't say how long your contract is for, but even six months away would be lots of time for you to start figuring out how to handle yourself in the context of your boyfriend's challenging family and figure out what's possible, what you want, and what is best for you going forward.

Wishing you all the best and hoping to hear your updates as you navigate all of this.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello Iris7313,

I can offer some thoughts as I read your post, but I could be missing the mark since there is a lot going on. So if some of this or all of it doesn't fit, please forgive me. I think there are a lot of "balls in the air" as you probably feel that as well, that there's a lot to consider.

IMHO, there is a cultural element here, and the reason that is important to point out and keep in mind, is because you probably can't change any of the beliefs that your in-laws already have, about how they should behave and how you should behave. Culture gives a lot of people a sort of "book" to follow for life (or in some cases, an actual book that tells them how to live), and if people don't conform to what is in the book about how that culture operates, someone in the family can point to the book and say hey this is what should happen. This is how you are supposed to behave. This is how I'm supposed to behave. All of that can be very culturally-based for some people.

What might explain some of your troubles here, is that you do not operate off of a strong sense of obligation, but your in laws may use obligation as a guiding light that may be a big part of how they see 'family'. Different groups have different levels of obligation to one another, and there are some cultural backgrounds where a sense of obligation to family is very high. Once you are a member of that family, you are obliged to conform - usually for the parent generation in that family.

I think you're operating from a different set of social rules than she is, and I'm not sure how much you've read about family dynamics and communication styles, but it would be helpful to learn about the different communication styles people have - so that you understand how you see 'problems' compared to what she sees as the 'problems' in her family. For example, you think that an apology is what helps people smooth out disagreements and conflicts, but from what you wrote, it doesn't seem like she shares your belief.

One of the situations that a lot of us on these boards is familiar with, is when the adult child (your husband) is stuck trying to make his wife happy, while trying to keep his mom happy too. You're not alone in this - it has been a situation that others have been in and so there are people here who probably get what that feels like. The toolbox here has some great information, as Rebel13 wrote about.

Trees