Sibling and Housing

[Freedom]

My mother passed away in September.  I was a carer for her throughout her terminal illness - for 7 years.  I am also a single parent of 2 children and carer of one of them.   My sister was bed-bound due to her struggle with psychiatric medication and struggling with a variety of increasingly complex issues and paranoia about problems with her housing. Our relationship had disintegrated as I could not get my head around her increasingly longer list of symptoms and I had extreme concern for my very ill mother and my nephew, who was a young teenager at the time.   My sister had brow-beaten my mother to move in with her. 5 years ago an experienced care manager visited my sister to do an assessment for home care, she came away from the visit very concerned for my mother and nephew and advised that my sister should be sectioned.  It was a huge responsibility that I could not take on and neither could my father.  Then, when my sister said she could no longer live in her rented home, my mother allowed her to move in with her. I expressed my concerns to my mother and they fell on deaf ears - always an excuse as to why my sister could not return to her rented house.  My sister had brain-washed my mother and it was a 'folie a deux' situation.  Meanwhile I continued to take my mother to chemotherapy, but I was not allowed to enter my mother's home (and my childhood home) because of my sisters supposed chemical intolerances - I was expected to have a set of clothes in which to enter the house and my sister would sniff visitors to allow them to enter - I flat out refused to abide to those conditions.  I expressed my anger and frustration about the situation to my mother on a few occasions - my sister remained unchallenged because she always played the victim card - that I should not challenge her because the upset could set off her symptoms.  Totally fed up I made an ultimatum in January of 2024, my mother had months to live and I wanted to be allowed to visit her and comfort her at her bedside.  Suddenly I was allowed to visit, no mention of all the time Id been barred from the house.  BTW - I barely had contact with my sister during this whole time - communication was minimum. When I approached the subject of agreeing on what we were going to do with the family home after mum's death - there was always an excuse made as to why my sister could not discuss it yet.  I could forsee that she would sit tight in my mother's home and I would not feel that I had a leg to stand on in trying to move her out so that we could clear and sell the home - my mother left it to both of us in her will.  I have kept the peace to get through the funeral and our first Christmas without mum, but biting my tongue became harder and two days ago I finally expressed my upset and anger to my sister - who has not expressed any concern for my situation - expensive rent and supporting two teenaged children.  My father has been very supportive of me and can see the unfairness of the situation.  After a few messages yesterday - only within an hour or so of heated exchange - and then this morning after my sister contacted me and I shared more of my concerns - I decided to disengage from her on social media and removed Whatsapp from my phone.  I had not contacted her since this morning and intended to have no contact for a few days until I felt calmer.  She phoned my father this evening and he said that she did not understand my messages or why I am upset, she does not see that it is an unfair situation  - that she is living in a 3 bedroom house on her own with no rent to pay and I am paying rent and bills and feeding two adult children. Yet she is playing dumb - she is very astute about her rights and financial matters. She again brought out the victim card and said that she cannot think about anything to do with the house - this is my punishment it feels for daring to challenge her.  My mother did not say that the house should be sold upon her death, but that the property should be shared equally between my sister and I.  My fear is that she will keep playing the illness / victim card and keep stalling.  She also told my father that I had been constantly messaging her for 24 hours - even though she had begged me to stop - this is a lie - I am shocked she could say that! I only messaged her for an hour yesterday and this morning for a few minutes. I have never expressed these feelings to her because I knew she would accuse me of upsetting her and making her symptoms worse.  And now she is making me out to be harassing her!  I feel like I am in an impossible situation, wanting to move on with my life and improved the situation for my children and I by investing in my own home, and my sister is putting up barriers to this / not engaging  / not telling me her plans and can't see my side of the story at all.  I need to get some free legal advice otherwise she will continue to squat in my mother's house.  I can't believe this had happened after all the sacrifices I made to care for my mother and take her to appointments and all I have done to help.  Its a slap in the face and I feel utterly betrayed by my mother and my sister.  When my mother was in the hospice a few months ago she admitted - for the first time  - that she found it very difficult living with my sister. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Freedom.  What a frustrating situation!  You came to the same conclusion I was having reading your post.  Get some legal help. 

I'm glad your father is supportive of you and can see what's going on. He may not be able to remedy the situation, but it must feel good to have the support and validation.

If you think talking to your sister is worth a try, I don't suppose it would hurt.  But the way you've described things it seems very unlikely anyone will unseat her from that house without the force of the law behind them.  I hope you're able to find some good legal advice soon.  Perhaps there's even someone on here who has experience with this who can give you some direction.  I know there's always the suggestion to document everything.  She's obviously not above lying.  Let us know how you're doing . . .

[Freedom]

Thank you, I am hoping to get 30 mins free with a local solicitor recommended by a friend.  Grant of Probate will come through in February so then the house will be in my sister and I's names. 
I wish I had noted dates and events throughout this process.  It has helped me to make a list of significant dates this morning. I note that it was 2018 when my mother moved in with my sister and sometime in 2021 when my sister moved in with my mother - from when my sister barred me from visiting my mother - due to her contamination fears. Yet, I continued to take mum to her appointments and she would come to my house for visits if well enough.  I will be keeping a note from now on.

I am going to find some bereavement counselling as the impact of all of this feels overwhelming. 

I am thankful for this safe and understanding space.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Freedom,
I am so sorry you have to deal with all this on top of your grief and financial constraints. My sister and I also share my mum's property in her will, so I can easily imagine myself being in your shoes. Such a tough situation to be in and so unfair.

Legal advice is the best thing you can do. Get someone else to defend your rights and deal with your sister. You tried to talk and reason with her and it didn't work. I would disengage and pursue this legally through a solicitor. Let us know how it goes.

[Freedom]

Thank you I will do that, I'm seeking both legal and emotional support (bereavement counselling) as I feel shut down by her at the moment.  After my experience, I wish now that I had stepped in sooner and said something.  However, it would have only led to even more problems, hence why I kept the peace.  I hope you can get some support with your situation too. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you!
You are following all the right steps! I hope you can find some comfort in that. In time you will sort out the inheritance and your life will get much easier. Hang in there

[nanotech]

I know it's hard, but if you can approach this from a non emotional stance it will help you. As much as possible try to concentrate on the practical issues.
You're 100 percent in the right and your sister is in the wrong. At present she's hoping to try and gaslight you into gaslighting yourself that somehow this is acceptable. She's hostage taking (your dad) to try and get him to see her as the victim in this.
It's easy to become influenced by our emotions and to feel guilt at asking for them to treat us as equals. Our unwillingness to hurt their feelings becomes a useful weapon. They then beat us up with our own compassion and sensitivity.
We keep trying to appeal to their better nature( they don't have one) and are rewarded with selfishness and outright lying.
Half the battle is accepting them as they are, and realising it is nothing to do with you, and that they won't change.

We have two choices Either/ or-
1.to start believing it's us that us the bad guy. ( they want this)
2.To accept that they don't care about us in the way that we would care about them.
( the unfair and painful truth)
Despite screamingly obvious evidence to the contrary,we often gaslight ourselves and plump for choice number 1.
Choice number two is hard to accept.
I've recently had to plump for choice 2.
Good luck and remember to keep calm cool and unemotional.