Tiny acts of snubbing

[JLS]

Happy new year to everyone.  I was wondering if others notice those tiny little things that are done and you are left with the feeling of 'am I reading this correctly or is this off'.  Such as my mother had sent a text a while back and shortly after I had confronted her about our relationship which is deteriorating at a rapid rate to being almost non existent.  Me confronting her had nothing to do with her text.  Anyway a while later and I am VVLC after a period of NC and immediately after resuming contact my mother sends the exact same text to me, it was word for word the same.  I was left wondering if she felt something in the text had upset me so she sent it again.  I feel paranoid saying this but this is how she makes me feel.

This NYE I sent my mother a NYE message early in the morning.  I was staying with my mother in law and at some point during the morning my mother in law comes up and says 'oh your mother sent me this NYE message early this morning, it's so lovely'. It was an over the top gushy message.  At this point in the day I had not received anything from my mother.  Then my mother in law called my mother to thank her.  After the call my mother in law says that my mother had said hi to me in passing. A couple of hours went by and still no message.  Finally, in the early afternoon my mother sends a message.

This is my relationship with her where she constantly shows me how little I mean to her.  If I tried to explain to anyone they would look at me like I am crazy but anyone with a family member like this understands those little games they play.  Even when I know this I am left feeling like I am crazy.  I just feel like my mother is constantly showing me how little I mean in her life.  It is just one zinger after another.  They are small nothing acts but I just end up feeling the message underneath.

She has said to my sister 'oh I don't know what is wrong with JLS'.  However I know my mother is an early riser and sends out all her well wishes early in the morning.  She treats me differently to others but claims to have no problems whatsoever, it's all my problem. So it's frustrating when I am trying to act normal and be nice and I get these weird mind games. Worst part is that I am doing this to myself, I see the message sent, understand it and then feel hurt.  It's me taking it on. I guess I never really believed our relationship would come to this.  That she would show me so clearly how little I mean to her and even when I brought it up in conversation how this made me feel, she is now doing it even more.

I know I need to give up and that not caring is freedom.  I just don't know how to let go of knowing she can so easily move on.

[Rebel13]

Worst part is that I am doing this to myself, I see the message sent, understand it and then feel hurt.  It's me taking it on.

This is true, and is a very important insight, because it puts the locus of control back in YOUR court. You can start focusing on what YOU can do, instead of feeling helpless or getting stuck wishing she were behaving differently.

I guess I never really believed our relationship would come to this.  That she would show me so clearly how little I mean to her and even when I brought it up in conversation how this made me feel, she is now doing it even more. I know I need to give up and that not caring is freedom.

This is also true. Sometimes disordered people almost take pleasure in other people's pain. It's one way that they measure how important they are.  Learning not to care, I think, is easier said than done. If you are like me, there is SO much pain and grief involved in truly acknowledging my mother never really cared about me. That can take a long, long time to lessen.

I just don't know how to let go of knowing she can so easily move on.

The best thing I can say is that some self absorbed emotionally immature people do not bond or connect to others in the same way that "normal" people do. They think of people as objects or means to an end, and when we do not provide whatever satisfaction they are looking for, they have no further need to bother with us. So, really, it's good that you don't understand her ability to "move on" from relationships with her own offspring. That's kind of disordered behavior so it should be a relief when it is incomprehensible to us.

[Tribe16]

She has said to my sister 'oh I don't know what is wrong with JLS'.  However I know my mother is an early riser and sends out all her well wishes early in the morning.  She treats me differently to others but claims to have no problems whatsoever, it's all my problem. So it's frustrating when I am trying to act normal and be nice and I get these weird mind games. Worst part is that I am doing this to myself, I see the message sent, understand it and then feel hurt.  It's me taking it on. I guess I never really believed our relationship would come to this.  That she would show me so clearly how little I mean to her and even when I brought it up in conversation how this made me feel, she is now doing it even more.

I know I need to give up and that not caring is freedom.  I just don't know how to let go of knowing she can so easily move on.

They are so good at those little digs and snubs that fly right past everybody else - I believe it is called Dog Whistling - they know exactly what frequency you will be able to pick it up on. It is a game to them, it is emotionally abusive behavior (malicious, I think). I regularly wonder "what the hell happened?" when I think how terrible things have become with my mother... I too am blindsided by how little my mother can care about me, and now I am questioning my entire adult life experiences - were they real or have I always been expendable?

I am about halfway through Mel Robbins' latest book "The Let Them Theory". I am finding this very helpful as far as working on my detachment skills.

There is a saying, "What is meant for you will arrive in clarity, not confusion." I feel like anything or everything from my mother is confusing, chaotic and never ever simple. The good by-product of our estrangement, is that I have learned to better know my nervous system, better rely on intuition and following my gut. If it feels weird, icky or confusing - that's because it is and it is not good for me. That makes it a little easier to accept that there are better things ahead for me than more of the same old hurt and confusion. Wishing you a peaceful New Year JLS.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi JLS,

One of the things I learned by being in this community forum, is that the subtle digs are the most effective. For example, if someone comes by and hits you on the head with a stick, it is not subtle. But these odd texts that don't come at the expected time, are subtle and therefore, more effective. If you tell someone "she came by and hit me over the head with a stick" the other person may not know anything about PD abuse but will still recognize that being hit on the head with a stick is 'bad' - even if they are from a different country from us - it is universally understood as bad behavior - because it is not subtle.

And so I have learned that subtle is most effective with these game players. It is how they get supply while flying under the radar, and often the result is that they are seen as "normal" and we are seen as wrong for questioning their subtle passive aggression. Which really works in their favour in a family. Ugh.

The ones who are less subtle, get away with fewer of these games. So they learn that subtle gets them more. It is a sick game.   

The shortcut I have found, for when people pull this crap, is for me to ask myself, how do I behave in these same situations? How would I act if I was sending happy new year texts? How would I respond if my adult child asked me to clarify my passive aggressive behavior? And then really trust that you are not like this - they are. 

As Rebel13 said, some take pleasure in throwing us off like this. Not once in my life have I found pleasure / taken pleasure in knowing I confused someone in my life, not a stranger and not a person I care about. We non's don't operate like this. That makes it hard for us to believe that some people are like this.

Trees

[xredshoesx]

we deal with this at my place of employment and I was well versed in it by how my mother alternated between her GC and scapegoats for the brief period of time she was remarried and then after when she started using other people's children when I could no longer be used as a supply for her.

gentle hugs to all of us today.  these are the slings and arrows that hurt the most.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. The things you can't really complain about openly because that lays you open to accusations of being too sensitive, misunderstanding, or whatever. There's always some way they can wriggle out. Mine does this often. If she does something openly reprehensible and gets pulled up on it then she claims to have forgotten or hides behind old age. Or just brazenly changes the subject.

[JLS]

Thank you everyone for your support.  I know I am feeling ungrounded at the moment because there has been more contact with family around this period.  I am left with that feeling of doubting myself, am I being too hyper-focused but the one feeling I keep coming back to is simply feeling off balance, confused.

Tribe16 what you wrote "There is a saying, "What is meant for you will arrive in clarity, not confusion." I feel like anything or everything from my mother is confusing, chaotic and never ever simple"

Yes I so feel this at the moment, my mother just confuses me and it's not simple.  I really don't understand our relationship. I don't understand her. It's funny that you mention that it has given you a chance to know your nervous system better.  I have found my blood pressure is really high at the moment and I'm wondering 'Is this worth it?'.  The answer is no, it's not worth my health.

Luckily our communication will now back to near zero.  There is a possibility that she really didn't think anything of it, it was just a text but I just feel so off and bad after our interactions. I'm so glad you guys get it though because if I tried to explain it to anyone else they would be like 'what?' lol.

Its funny though, after a period of NC where I really felt much calmer and now VLC where I notice the stress interactions can bring, I am starting to focus on where my own boundaries are and seeing my blood pressure go so high I am thinking I might stick with a couple of text at Christmas and birthdays and leave it at that. Over the last few days I've come to realise that it's just that I WANT a nice relationship. That's my expectation and it's time for me to be a little more honest with myself.  I'm not going to get it and if I'm not ready for NC then I need to limit interactions to the obligatory holiday moments and turn my attention to my own life.  I'm really starting to see that if a relationship with her is going to damage my health then distance is the better option. I suppose I want good health more than what she offers.

Anyway I hope the new year brings more clarity and peace to us all.

[Rebel13]

Over the last few days I've come to realise that it's just that I WANT a nice relationship. That's my expectation and it's time for me to be a little more honest with myself.  I'm not going to get it and if I'm not ready for NC then I need to limit interactions to the obligatory holiday moments and turn my attention to my own life.  I'm really starting to see that if a relationship with her is going to damage my health then distance is the better option. I suppose I want good health more than what she offers.

This is lovely. I'm so glad you feel able to choose you, your good health, and your peace of mind. I'm rooting for you! 

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry it is a difficult time for you JLS. Unfortunately we have been trained to recognise all these subtle digs and once you see, it is hard to unsee. Well, they are miserable little souls and we are not, so there's that.

It's not the same but my mum did something similar yesterday. She had her pet scan and I called to find out how it went. She said she was told that she would be radioactive for a few hours after the test so she should stay away from children and pregnant women. And she said to me 'I told your sister she should keep away but she insisted on being in the same room with me and having lunch with me'. (Translation: look how self sacrificial your sister is by contrast to you).

Apparently sis is either a child or a pregnant woman then 😂

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so glad you are prioritizing your health, JLS! 

On the topic of "how little I mean to them" I have a different conclusion.  I have seen the tactic used when the PD wants to "put me in my place," knock me down a few pegs, regain dominance and control and a feeling of superiority.  It can be an effective way to knock the wind out of someone's sails so they will shrink back.  It's also a potent type of revenge for some imagined wrong you've done to them. 

In my experience with PD's, this is just a very common form for their reactivity to take.  Maybe because at some unconscious level it's the feeling at the root of their own disorder, feeling like they're nothing and they don't matter.

When I'd get that treatment from my PDex, I'd just figure he was upset with me for some reason and that was his retaliation, whether long-term or brief. It was often very obvious not caring was not at the core of what was going on for him.  Coming from a parent this treatment is harder, I think.  Especially having weathered it through childhood.

I wish you well with your self care around this!

[TimetoHeal]

Yes I so feel this at the moment, my mother just confuses me and it's not simple.  I really don't understand our relationship. I don't understand her. It's funny that you mention that it has given you a chance to know your nervous system better.  I have found my blood pressure is really high at the moment and I'm wondering 'Is this worth it?'.  The answer is no, it's not worth my health.

JLS, I could have written this.  My blood pressure goes sky high with every interaction with my mother.  I have had to decide, as well, to go at least lower contact, because my health is more important.  Even though she is getting older and HER health is deteriorating, MY health is still important!  And only I can do anything about that, just as only she can do anything about hers (and of course, refuses to).

I also relate to what you say about wanting a good relationship.  I'm still in the process, at age 52, of realizing that is just not possible with my mother.  And grieving that fact.  It is a process, and not easy, and apparently, not linear.  I think I "get it", and I'm doing better, and then it starts over again.  It's hard to give up on a basic human desire:  a warm, loving relationship with one's own mother.  Hugs. 

[JLS]

Thanks everyone, its so nice when others get those little things which others would just not see or understand.

Lookin2BFree, that is really interesting about your conclusion.  I didn't even think of that however I had spoken up about a few things a while back and the behaviour started after that, so that does make sense that perhaps it's designed to knock me down a few pegs.

Thankfully I am starting to come back to normal. It's not lost on me that I am feeling that way now that there is some distance between us and communication is back to zero.  Very telling.

[JLS]

Walking on broken glass - ouch, I'm sorry.  A comment designed to get the comparison and guilt going.  I'm glad you saw through it for what it is though.   

[frogjumpsout]

JLS, I have definitely been there and Lookin 2 B Free, thank you!

"I have seen the tactic used when the PD wants to "put me in my place," knock me down a few pegs, regain dominance and control and a feeling of superiority.  It can be an effective way to knock the wind out of someone's sails so they will shrink back.  It's also a potent type of revenge for some imagined wrong you've done to them.  "

That is what I think is happening. Immediately after I received a high professional honor, my N/B M made a huge huge deal of a friend's daughter's new baby at an event. No mention of my thing. And my longterm partner didn't notice anything amiss!

[Liketheducks]

I can so identify with this.   We can have a large family gathering.   Everyone THINKS everyone is just hunky dory.   And, my PD mom will wait until we are alone in a room together for, IDK, 10.7 seconds to land the zinger she's been holding in all day.   And, usually in those moments I have been SO hypervigilent it doesn't even land with me until 3-4 days later.    This is when I consider my freeze/fawn response a super power...because frequently it goes right over my head in the moment.   Recognizing that you don't have to allow her actions to have an effect on your peace of mind is a game changer.   Hang in there.