Hope

[Deby64]

I have been deeply immersed in educating myself over the past few days. I refuse to allow his PD and my FOG to oppress me in 2025. Most of the information regarding PD's is negative, they will never change, just run for the hills to save yourself etc... I truly believe that God created this individuals and casting them out is not my job. I have learned that when I change myself and learn how to respond to his erratic behavior it is most helpful. I say to myself " Forgive him Father, for he knows not what he does". This support is so vital to my recovery journey, because nobody understand like this group the shell you must go into when they are spewing their negativity at you and you want to defend yourself and reframe because it will just ignite the furry. Telling myself as he rants, "This is not about me", no matter what he says has been a blessing. Please don't think I am just laying down and being his rug, I have learned the importance of self-care and sharing my experience, strength and hope carries me a long way. Like I said in my welcome I've been in this relationship 40 years and trust God. Thanks for letting me share.

[bloomie]

Hi there!

Learning to understand and better equip yourself is foundational to examining our own side of the street, I have found. It is worth noting that living with a high conflict person takes a toll. And only you know how much you can reasonably experience in all of this.

Part of our healing comes when we learn to establish ourselves as a fully fledged separate human being who deserves to be spoken to and treated with respect and who knows how to remove ourselves from circumstances that violate that core value.

As you journey forward don't be surprised to find that your tolerance for poor treatment of you lessens as you determine what your boundaries and limits are and live those out. Another option is to think about other ways you can protect and calmly remove yourself from what sounds like verbal abuse that don't involve  going into a shell and possibly fawning - which is a trauma response.

More on the 4 F's of trauma found here by one of the leading experts in the field of complex trauma, Pete Walker, M.A.
https://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Some really helpful free articles about the type of dynamic you describe are found here:

https://marriagerecoverycenter.com/blog/

and an article that addresses intentionality in the abusive behaviors of others may help clarify and bring some insights is found here: https://marriagerecoverycenter.com/narcissists-intentionally-hurt-people/

(admin note... I am only recommending the free blog articles with this site. I know nothing about the services they offer. Also, for better opportunity for responses I have moved your thread from the Welcome Mat over to Committed to Working on It board)

Keep doing reading, learning, absorbing the support and encouragement found here! So glad you shared! 

[MaxedOut]

OMG, love the metaphor, PW. Very apt.

[Cascade]

Welcome to this forum, Deby64, it's been a lifesaver to my sanity over the years. I've been married a long time too. I'm not running for the hills either, but then my PD husband isn't as awful as some. I wish you well and hope you find encouragement here.

[Deby64]

I agree, mine of 40 years isn't as bad as some. I know that's why I have stayed. This forum is helping me keep my sanity. Sharing with others that truly understand and learning tools that I thought I had, but were using them incorrectly. I am so hopeful that my life will have more peace, due to me understanding he is sick and loves me the best way he knows how. I am learning how some of my old responses were just escalating the situation, trying to fix something that was not in my power to fix. Thinking if I could just please him more, he would calm down. Today I realize it is about pleasing myself and allowing him to stand in his own mess without my help. LOL

[MaxedOut]

 I am learning how some of my old responses were just escalating the situation, trying to fix something that was not in my power to fix. Thinking if I could just please him more, he would calm down. Today I realize it is about pleasing myself and allowing him to stand in his own mess without my help. LOL
[/quote]


Good insight, Deby.

[SonofThunder]

  +1 to MaxedOut's comment.  What a nice realization and plan going forward. Well done Deby64!

SoT