Help me label this

[Pig wrestler]

Hey everyone,

So I'm pretty sure I am getting duped again. This is how it starts... Before I knew what grey rocking was I think I subconsciously did it. Call it avoiding, laying low, whatever you wanna call it. I was doing it. Most likely depression.

During those times I swear uNPDw would catch a whiff of my withdrawal and do one of two things: confront me about why I was pulling away and/or add to the pressures (by telling me I should do more, be more engaged, tell me where I was lacking, etc...)

Went out to work on my 25 year old pickup truck (outdoor projects are invaluable at this time of my life btw) and was just kind of complacent and tired and helped out as much as I could before bedtime. As I'm now laying in bed reading, she tells me I really need to be seen by a primary care physician, hinting towards depression and getting on meds. Anyways, I stopped taking all ssri's about three months ago just about the time of coming Out of the FOG! (You do the math there).

What is her bx? The one where she will come to you seemingly innocent and wanting to help but knowing there is an ulterior motive. It has worked in times past with her, as I'm sure that's why she does it. She portrays the image that she knows me best and that to be truly happy, I have to go through her to find my happiness?

Hopefully this makes sense to y'all.

Thanks

[zad7242]

I look forward to the responses from those on here with greater insight then me on this stuff. My "withdrawing" aka seeking safety from verbal abusive is seen as the cause of our problems instead of a symptom. My wife tells me I'm the most depressed person she knows.

As far as the portrayal that she knows best for me, I'm assuming this has to do with control and needing to be indispensable. You will never leave her if she is so critical to your happiness. My wife says "I see all of you" implying she knows me better then I know myself and I need to trust her on what's best for me.

Your post sounded eerily familiar to me, thanks for asking about this.

[Rebel13]

Gaslighting?  Sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

[square]

The key is to keep remembering this is about changing you and not her.

She will keep pecking. Your goal is to get to thevpoint where it just washes over you.

My husband hated my withdrawal and he'd try to confront it. Honestly, fair enough for him to do - he felt our marriage eroding and he was right. But I had given up on asking for changes. He would still shred me to pieces from time to time.

So I gave up. I couldn't fix it alone, so I gave up. Withdrawing was not for the purpose of changing him. It was to keep my emotions steady. I couldn't tolerate the hit-by-an-emotional-train feeling when it got bad.

So I'd just stay emotionally steady, not be engaged, avoid the ups of hope and promises and blah blah, and mitigate the downs so it was "hmm, this sucks" rather than "curl into a ball and cry."

Our withdrawal sucks for them but it's not why we do it. It's not punishment of them but protection of ourselves. Withdrawal sucks for the other spouse whether they are disordered or not. It's not the choice of a strong marriage. It's the last option when things can't be improved otherwise. And it will keep you from going to pieces if that's where you unfortunately are.

[true2me]

Great response, Square. We withdraw for our emotional stability. Not to punish them.

[SonofThunder]

Gaslighting?  Sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

Imo, gaslighting is just a tool used by the PD to accomplish something bigger; more foundational to the PD's needs. Ime, gaslighting was a bait/lure to draw me out from my cover to self-defend, so that the greater goal of her fighting-persecution, which ultimately lead to victimhood, could be accomplished. 

My stbx's shiniest fishing trophies were self-awarded for the big ones that got away.

Motive is everything,

SoT

[Call Me Cordelia]

Not my spouse but I was in that position as a teenager. I would disappear into books my entire childhood. Avoid my dad as far as I could manage. Publicly outed him on one occasion where I was required by my Catholic school to do a parent-teen retreat day and my parents had the brilliant idea of forcing me to do it with my dad. I was a very goody-two-shoes kid and I just plain refused and made a huge fuss at school. Should have tipped them off, but no. I got, "Your dad really is trying to connect with you!"

Soon after that looking for ways to pathologize my emotions began. If the problem can be pinned on the victim, and even a doctor says so, well they must be the caring parents and now have extra martyr cred!

My story eventually led into basically Munchausen by proxy, including being put on SSRIs, and I don't think it's necessarily that different for you. Your withdrawal is a natural consequence of your wife's treatment of you. She's trying to spin it into something she can turn into supply and establish clearly that the problem is you. There's also the element of keeping the victim dependent on the abuser's judgment of them. If she's hinting around going back on meds, something about your being medicated must have worked for her.