What a parent

[Bdb89207]

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my first child (poetically, she's a girl) and I've been NC with my NPD mother for 4 years.

Over the years of NC she continues to  try to use other family members to gain info and an entry point of contact into my life because she feels entitled to do so. I've blocked dozens of family members because of this.

Recently, my husband and I sent out invitations to select family members to our baby shower  (strategically held out of state to keep our address private) which included info on our baby registry.  Someone decided to give the info to my mom who purchased a $700 stroller and car seat off the registry the night before my birthday. When the notification came through, my husband and I debated canceling her order as we don't want anything from her, but ultimately we decided that since it wasn't requested, we'd just continue to ignore anything she does.

Funny thing is my husband even said maybe she's trying to be a better grandmother than she was a mother, so a teeny tiny piece of me had a sliver of hope that maybe she was actually trying to care for my daughter more than she cared for her own (me).

Anyway, the next day, my husband and I are chatting with my sister in law about the registry because she was trying to decide what to get us. I mentioned that my mom had unexpectedly bought the stroller and car seat which was a major thing off our list. My sister and law says that she checked a few hours ago and the stroller and car seat were still listed as needing purchase.  So I call Amazon to figure out what's going on and they tell me my mom canceled the order a few hours after it was placed.

This was no accident or coincidence.  This was a deliberate act to slight me, hurt me, and demonstrate control ESPECIALLY since all this was done on my birthday. Of course being super pregnant,  I cried about this for hours.

Having a daughter of my own on the way just makes me wonder what kind of parent could repeatedly do things like this to their own child? I wish I could hate her, but sadly, I can't. I just want to be left alone.

My husband suggested that he could text her and tell her to leave us alone, but given that I've been ignoring every communication attempt from her for the last four years and she keeps pulling stunts like this makes me think it wouldn't help and only feed into her need for attention of any kind, even negative.

Anyone dealt with something similar from an NPD parent you're NC with? Any advice about how to make it not bother or hurt you?

[Rebel13]

Hi Bdb89207,

I'm so sorry this happened. It's kind of classic disordered behavior, isn't it? You must have seen stuff like this from her lots of times. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it hurt less.

I don't know if there's a way to make it not bother or hurt. We feel what we feel, I think. In my experience, there's a huge well of grief and sadness about all the years of bad behavior on my mom's part, and all the ways she wasn't the mom I wish I'd had. For years I held out hope that she would change, even if I didn't realize I was hoping for that. And I think that hope interfered with me really experiencing the grief and sadness. In some ways, that hope protected me from having to FEEL that pain. So I'm only starting to get a taste of the bottomless pit of grief, now that I haven't been in contact with her for going on two years. So I think it's perfectly fine and even healthy that you are able to acknowledge how much it hurts, feel and express your pain and grief.

With that said, I also think there are ways we can start to think about these incidents differently. For example, this behavior by your mom is actually pretty sad on HER part. Can you imagine being the kind of person who would order a gift for a new grandchild, and then CANCEL that gift? I mean, who does that? Once the sadness passes, I can see maybe reacting with "Wow," a sad shake of the head, "that's pathetic," shrug, "thank goodness she's not in my life anymore! This proves I made the right decision in cutting contact."  You know? There are lots of perspectives to approach any situation from, and you don't have to get stuck in the pain of "she did this just to hurt me!" I mean, you're probably not wrong about that, but there's a lot more going on behind the action.

I know others will chime in and direct you to some of the Toolbox resources here, which have helped me a lot with things like this, particularly the articles on Boundaries and Medium Chill.

I wish the best for you and your loved ones!

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry Bdb89207. It's ok to feel the sadness and grieve. This makes you a human being capable of feeling things and expressing what you feel. No parent should behave this way and no (adult) child should have to suffer as a result of this behaviour.

I second what Rebel said about switching your perspective to help yourself. Indeed, what kind of a sad pathetic human being would behave in this way? I think that she purchased the stroller and car seat in order to get a reaction out of you, force you perhaps to get in touch with her and recognise her generosity and magnanimity (!). When you didn't react, she probably got enraged and decided that you didn't deserve the gift. Bottom line, very well done for not reacting to her shenanigans and not letting her know that her gift was unwelcome. Complete oblivion is the best strategy. I know it is painful and difficult, but try to see this as a victory of you over her: she didn't get the supply that she wanted from you and she lashed out like a child. You are handling all this very well.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Holy moly.    Yes, I too recommend taking this as the only validation your disordered mother is able to give. You aren't the crazy one. You're doing right by this child in keeping her away from those shenanigans. Your peace is worth so much more than a fancy stroller.

[Sneezy]

Your peace is worth so much more than a fancy stroller.

And congratulations on your upcoming arrival.  How exciting to have a baby on the way!  When it comes to pregnancy and a new baby, my thought is that this is the time to focus on you and your family (partner, baby, other children).  I'm not saying be selfish, but if there was ever a time to put your own needs first, this is it.  Prioritize your own physical and mental health.  And stay away, far away, from toxic people.  Sadly, this includes your mother.  That's not what any of us would wish, but in this case, it is the best and safest option for you, and for your family.

Again - CONGRATULATIONS!  Enjoy every minute!

[TimetoHeal]

I think that she purchased the stroller and car seat in order to get a reaction out of you, force you perhaps to get in touch with her and recognise her generosity and magnanimity (!). When you didn't react, she probably got enraged and decided that you didn't deserve the gift. Bottom line, very well done for not reacting to her shenanigans and not letting her know that her gift was unwelcome. Complete oblivion is the best strategy. I know it is painful and difficult, but try to see this as a victory of you over her: she didn't get the supply that she wanted from you and she lashed out like a child. You are handling all this very well.

Exactly.  You did exactly what you should have done.  Seen through her actions, and continued in your boundary of no contact.  Yay for you! 

As a side question, do you have any idea who "leaked" the information to your mother?  Another block may be in order.   

[scapegoat]

this is so frustrating!!! i am so sorry she is weaponizing... your.. baby registry??? like, holy moly. that's stooping SO low. nobody deserves that.

[treesgrowslowly]

I think you are wise, she just wants supply and if you contact her about her stunt, shes getting the supply she craves.

I've been thinking about the ick list that Dr Ramani suggests for us. That we write down the stunts they pull, so that when we want to hope they've changed, we can take out the ick list and remember they are dysfunctional people. She talks about this in several interviews and videos on her YouTube.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with such bs.

I went NC with uNPDm when I was a new parent. And I am glad I did.

Trees