Flying monkeys

[Applecandle84]

Hi everyone.
So I defended myself to the N / matriarch of the family. Which is a big real in itself and caused me alot of stress. What hurts most is it's a couple of weeks later, and I notice that a healthy family member, who is very logical and generally sees the good in everyone, has gotten quite cold in her communication towards me. We are not very close (even though it looked like we were developing a healthy relationship recently) so I cannot really bring it up with her. She is extremely close to one of the n's flying monkeys however, a flying monkey that loves drama and gossip and will pass everything the N says on. But I just want to scream 'don't believe everything you hear!!' It hurts me so bad. Particularly as I was once close to the narcissist, when I was in the fog, and noticed her smear campaigns against people she fell out were very very bad. Serious stuff like racism and forcing her to send them money. I now know these things are absolutely not true. Everything I read online tells me not to try to defend myself or control the narrative. And tbh, the healthy person and I are not close enough for me to bring up this sort of stuff. It's just so frustrating. And advice?

[walking on broken glass]

Hi applecandle. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a very distressing experience. You are absolutely right that you should resist the impulse to defend yourself. Just be normal, talk normal, behave normal, and those who know you and love you will see through the lies and the slander. Those who don't, it is their loss. I know it is easier said than done but it is the safest way. My advice would be don't share any personal information with anyone who is in touch with the narc, because it will be passed on and get twisted. Guard your privacy tooth and nail. And write to us here

[Applecandle84]

Thank you so much for your response. I will take that advice, even though it is hard. And maintain my normal communication with healthier family members. The healthy person in question applied 'disappearing messages' for our messenger communication suddenly after the fallout, which makes me think there's a privacy concern being communicated about me as part of the smear. It feels awful.

When the sh&#t hit the fan, I did rant and disclose some details about what happened to others, but it already looks like some of this is being twisted. So I definitely learned from it! It's so hard, isn't it!

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry 😔
I am facing a similar situation with my sister so I know how you feel. It is very difficult but you should stay true to who you are and hope that those who can will see it. You can't beat malicious and crazy.

[Applecandle84]

I am so sorry that you are going through that. Our families really hurt us the most. I'm here if you want to share your story.

As for me, I will try hold my head high. I had been going Low contact with some of the more toxic family members gradually over the past 2 years x

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you applecandle ☺️
I am posting my story in a (now really long) thread here 'about the stay at my mum's'. Any advice very welcome!

[walking on broken glass]

One more piece of advice: if any of the affected members approaches you and asks you about the matter directly, then you can tell them that you are aware that this person tends to spread stories and you are sorry they are caught in the middle, and ask them if they really think you would be the person that would do x or z. But I don't think you should say anything unless they come to you with questions. Dr Ramani has a couple of videos on YouTube about how to react to smear campaigns. You might find them useful.

[Applecandle84]

Thank you. There's very slim chance of anyone coming to me and asking, as communication in our family is so poor. And everything has been swept under the carpet for generations. Most of them are also scared of the N and getting on her bad side themselves. I just find it sad that the one budding healthy relationship is now probably finished before it began. And I feel like I can't randomly defend myself when she's not telling me what she heard directly. Obviously she has the right to go cold on me and doesn't owe me a relationship x

[walking on broken glass]

And I feel like I can't randomly defend myself when she's not telling me what she heard directly. Obviously she has the right to go cold on me and doesn't owe me a relationship

You are absolutely right. You cannot defend yourself when someone does not tell you directly what is wrong. But that exactly shows their level of emotional maturity, right? I mean, if you had a good relationship with someone and thought highly of them, if you got adverse information, wouldn't you a) question it and b) ask the person involved to clear it up? She has the right to turn cold, yes, but if she doesn't give you the benefit of the doubt or the opportunity to defend yourself, she is not your true friend.

[Applecandle84]

Yeah you're right. I guess our relationship wasn't strong to begin with as she tends to flock with the loudest / squeakiest wheel ie the N. And even though she has sort of maintained a neutral, 'on the fence' stance over the years, I feel like that is complicit with the N and just 'managing' me. And that is so easy for her. Plus, the N on this situation is very authoritative, dominant and convincing whereas I am not. Basically I 'won' against the N, I exposed them and made them feel very angry, they are now likely doing a covert smear campaign about me and playing the victim, using false truths or even half-truths that are more believable but massively taken out of context. Thanks for listening x