Mum in chemo

[walking on broken glass]

Hello everyone,

I have been posting mostly on the siblings section of the forum, as my problems centred around my uPD sister. However, recently, after the death of my dad, my mum has started exhibiting PD traits. In my last visit to hers, she treated me really badly and accused me of horrible things (i.e. that I try to control her, that I was checking the bank accounts while my dad was lying dead, I want to steal the family fortune, and that my partner is unscrupulous and controlling). She is deeply enmeshed with my sister, always defended her and prioritised her over me — I am the scapegoat — and my sister has full control over her (most of this poison comes from her but my mum doesn't question it).

This is already difficult to handle but the situation has become more perplexed because my mum found out she has cancer. She has currently started a round of chemo, then she will have a surgery, and then more chemo. Both sis and I live abroad in different countries but my mum has a good network of relatives who look after her. I have decided that I don't want to go and stay with her for the foreseeable future because I am still recovering from the last round of abuse, and I know that if I go there, it will be horrible: she will be talking to my sis on Skype all day, while ignoring me, and, as I am no contact with sis, this puts me in an impossible position, having to stay in my bedroom until the afternoon to avoid her. I will just be there as hired help, doing the shopping and helping with other practical stuff. I have decided that I am not willing to put myself through this and I don't even know if my mum truly wants me there or appreciates my presence.

My problem is how to handle hints and discussions that might come my way from other relatives. My work is flexible and I can do it from wherever, so they will definitely be thinking that I will go and stay with her for a while. Should I be frank about my stance? All family members are in the FOG and I don't hold any hope that they will see where I am coming from, but at least I will offload the burden they have put on my shoulders and refuse to be shamed. Also, what should I say to my mum if she hints that she wants me to come or tries to guilt trip me? Should I be frank with her as well and tell her my being there is no longer an option for me after the way she's treated me? She will most certainly deny everything.

Do any members have any experience in dealing with sick parents, from afar? Sister is already stirring trouble by badmouthing me to family. I wish I could go no contact but it is not an option I can entertain at the moment.

[bloomie]

walking on broken glass - I am so sorry that your mom is going through this and for the complexity this adds to an already painful and difficult relationship and dynamic with your sister.

Something that is an especially difficult hurdle is the injustice of being the recipient of abuse, false accusations, character assignation and favoritism, that is usually invisible to extended family and friends, and being slandered by a sibling.

In light of all of that, you have determined you are not able to go be with your mother. For very good reasons that are highly personal and that you never have to explain to anyone else unless you choose to.

You have zero control over what anyone thinks or says about you or what they wonder about or think you should be doing. What you do have control over is how much power you give the above.

Do and say, or don't do and say, what is best and right for you. Your mother has support and medical care. That is a lot! And a lot more than many people have. And you are in contact as you are able and how you choose.

"I'm not able to come." You can choose to offer more context to anyone who asks, but you don't have to. A great tool from our toolbox: JADE

There is a time to speak out for ourselves even if no one is listening as long as it will benefit us and we have removed any expectation that a person who is not healthy enough to treat us with dignity, respect and love is willing or able to hear us. We do it for ourselves, one time, and then we move on.

I have both lived out my limits without explanation and also spoken up for myself when it was most healthy for me to do so.

I am here to support you to do what is best for you!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, bloomie

There is a time to speak out for ourselves even if no one is listening as long as it will benefit us and we have removed any expectation that a person who is not healthy enough to treat us with dignity, respect and love is willing or able to hear us. We do it for ourselves, one time, and then we move on.

This is so true. I think, if provoked, I will know whether I have reached this point.

Yesterday my mum was hinting that she wanted me to help with some bureaucratic stuff. She never actually asked for my help, she said 'do you know how this is done?' I said no (the truth), then she said 'I will ask your aunt and uncle and see if they know, but if they don't I am not sure who else to ask'. In the past, I would have volunteered to sort this out but now I kept clear. After the way I was treated, why should I volunteer to be their helper? I am out. It's not punitive, it simply is what is healthy for me.

[TimetoHeal]

This is so true. I think, if provoked, I will know whether I have reached this point.

Yesterday my mum was hinting that she wanted me to help with some bureaucratic stuff. She never actually asked for my help, she said 'do you know how this is done?' I said no (the truth), then she said 'I will ask your aunt and uncle and see if they know, but if they don't I am not sure who else to ask'. In the past, I would have volunteered to sort this out but now I kept clear. After the way I was treated, why should I volunteer to be their helper? I am out. It's not punitive, it simply is what is healthy for me.

Good for you!  This is how my mom expresses her requests for "help" as well, in these passive-aggressive phrases.  I am learning not to jump in and try to rescue her, but just make some noncommittal response like, "Hmmm..." or "Oh". 

I love everything bloomie said.  You've already set your boundaries in your mind, not you just have to live them out, and it sounds like you already are.  Good job!

[Sheppane]

WOBG I am used to getting veiled /hinted requests also. It used to make me feel guilty and very tense. At a certain point I made a boundary for myself that I did not have to second guess the needs of others. So if someone was hinting at what they needed, I ignored it. It is a very passive aggressive form of communication. We have a right for clarity and to be asked directly about something in order to be given the opportunity to respond. Good for you for keeping that boundary !

[walking on broken glass]

I spoke to my mum the other day and she asked me when I am going back to my place of work (I am between two countries at the moment because my job has taken me temporarily to a different country from the one I live in. But it's flexible so I go back and forth a lot). I told her I leave in a few days and she said 'so holidays are over, huh?' I said to her 'I wasn't on holidays. I was working from here'. And she said 'I meant that you were away from work'. I said yeah, that's away from my place of work, not holidays. Then she was asking whether 'the people there' asked for me, and I said no, it's pretty flexible.

I know what she is thinking. She is thinking if your work is so flexible and you can work from anywhere, why don't you come and stay here with me? I bet she will never say it though, she will just make passive aggressive comments until the moment comes for another outburst. I decided I am not going to pretend that my presence is needed where I work so as to have an excuse for not going to visit her. There are very valid reasons why I don't want to go, and I bet she is deep down aware of it, this is why she will not ask.

A friend said to me "but by telling her that your work is flexible, you are showing her that visiting her is not your priority which, in her head, will confirm her view of you and justify her accusations. Perhaps you could insert a few lies here and there, showing her that you are too busy and can't leave work, so that she doesn't have the 'moral high ground.'' Even though I understand where my friend is coming from, I said to her that I am not willing to do that mental labour anymore. I don't care what my mum will think and whether my stance will justify her thinking. I am done pretending. I am not going to explain myself either, but if she asks me why I am not visiting or complains about it, I will tell her exactly how I feel. I know that ignoring her passive aggressiveness is also mentally taxing but it is easier than trying to justify and explain myself.

The other day my mum told me that her hair has started falling out because of the chemo. It's strange, but in the past I would have been much more affected by all this, I would go online to find chemo caps for her and, in general, I would have tried to make her feel better. This time around, I feel desensitized. I don't feel as sorry for her as I would normally, and I wonder if this is normal. I didn't know how to respond to her. I said 'oh it has already started? But you cut your hair really short and you got your soft hat, so you are altogether ready for it'. I thought later that this was more a practical response rather than a sentimental/empathetic one but that's all I could muster.

I sometimes catch myself feeling really angry at the thought that other people, like family friends and the extended family, see her as a sweet, frail, innocent woman, who has suffered so much, first with the death of her husband and then with her bad health. And I do get that all of that is true. But I am thinking they have no idea how horrible she was to me, they don't know the terrible things she said to me, her own daughter. I am still quite shocked at her ability to do that, to offload all that anger onto me, but present a martyr-like exterior to the rest of the world.

[treesgrowslowly]

It's very sad that this is how they hold their life together. By lying to the outside world about how they treat their adult children. And it is sad that people buy the lie.

Two things you'll never be able to change. Her outer mask to the world, and their buying into it.

The PDs in my life will always have a victim poor is me view of things. When like you said, people have no idea how she treats you.

It's hard to have a mother who wants her daughter to parent her. And they have so much denial right?

Trees

[TimetoHeal]

WOBG,

I actually really admire you for not feeling the need to tell "white lies" in order to keep your mom from knowing about your work situation.  That shows a lot of bravery, in my opinion.  Just recently my mom was asking me, "Do you work every day now?" and I could see the gears in her head trying to figure out how available I would be to her.  I said yes, which is true, but I have a very flexible schedule and "could" help her more if I wanted to.  But I don't.

I think what you are feeling as far as not being sympathetic to your mom is normal. It's hard to feel warm and fuzzy toward someone who has been abusive to you and who has probably never been particularly sympathetic to your hurts and needs.  The fact that you are still in contact at all with her shows you are a caring and empathetic person. That is enough.  You can't drum up feelings that aren't there, nor should you try to. 

[walking on broken glass]

It's very sad that this is how they hold their life together. By lying to the outside world about how they treat their adult children. And it is sad that people buy the lie.

The problem with my mum is that she has always been so quiet and low profile that I, too, never thought she was capable of being so mean and unfair. I could sometimes see that she was seething with anger but she would suppress it and would switch back to being a soft spoken, quiet lady. I am now thinking, do I really know my mother?

I actually really admire you for not feeling the need to tell "white lies" in order to keep your mom from knowing about your work situation.

Oh it's not out of courage! I am simply fed up. In the past I was trying to walk a very fine line so as not to cause offence or give them fuel. When my mum had her outburst after I had been thinking how I could connect more with her and what else I could do to help her, something snapped inside of me. I thought well if she actually thinks I am that mean, why bother with the white lies? What's the point of keeping pretences?

I am not giving her unnecessary information though. My partner and I are going on a three day trip in a few days and I won't tell her. This would feed into the family gossip of 'WOBG is going on holidays instead of visiting her sick mother' and I can't deal with this just now. So, yes I do a little bit of lying

[TimetoHeal]

It sounds like you are making very wise choices about what information to share and not to share!    I feel like I will eventually come to that "fed up" point myself, eventually. 

I hope you and your partner have an amazing trip, and it helps you get some much needed stress relief!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to heal!

Yesterday was my PD sister's birthday so I stayed away from all family communication. I hope next time I talk to my mum she won't bring it up. I hope we are past the outrage for not wishing my sister happy birthday but of course this may be wishful thinking.

[walking on broken glass]

I spoke to a friend today who is aware of my family situation but who is unable, I think, to fully grasp the implications of the disorder. She asked me if I am going home for Easter and I said erm, I don't think so. The truth is though that she voiced something that has been stressing me for a while. There will be expectations for me to go and visit my mum over the Easter holidays (from her and the wider family) and it's not something I am willing to do. At the same time I can't help being stressed over potential questions and discussions. My partner and I were thinking of taking a trip somewhere during that time or maybe that my partner comes and stays with me for a while at the place where I currently work (he will have some days off work too). Going to see my mum is definitely not high on our priority list, to say the least! But there will be gossip about how we are on holiday and we don't care about my poor, sick mum. I know it shouldn't bother me but I can't help stressing over it.

[Liketheducks]

WOBG....you've handled this beautifully.   And, I hear and feel how arduous it is.   

When I didn't step up and fix all the things....my mum just moved from family member to family member complaining at how I couldn't be bothered to help her in her time of need.   I'd be prepared for a flying monkey or 6.   In my case, the extended FOO was brought in to encourage me to toe the line.    When I didn't step up, she complained to anyone who would listen that I was a terrible person.   The only people who understand at this point are the ones she also moved through as supply.   Saying, I'm not able is perfect...but gird your loins.   And...if you're a social media user, I'd temper what you're putting there.   Once I had posted a picture of me online, nothing special...other than I was smiling, and was hammered by a relative - a counselor no less - who said she couldn't stand to see me happy when she knew what I did to my mother.  (I'd done nothing but say I was unable....and I wasn't able to go to mom at the time).     

Hang in there...this is definitely a marathon and not a sprint....and also so very much worth prioritizing your peace and wellbeing over all others.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much, like the ducks!
What you describe sounds horrific. I am really sorry. But it helps me be prepared for what might come. I have long ago made a 'blacklist' of all my family members who are on social media and have blocked them from seeing my posts. I don't post much anyway but I felt this was needed. Things just now are calm but I know this is just a break. My sister will definitely rock the boat at some point or my mum will have an outburst (or both).

My other dilemma is whether I should let my mum know where I am when I call her. Just now I am back home and ideally I wouldn't want my family to know about my whereabouts. We do videocalls so she will be able to see the surroundings but if I place myself strategically she might not know. But then again why should I be forced to lie? At this point, I am not sure what is more mental labour for me.

[Sheppane]

I agree. Prioritize your peace! I can relate to the headspin of whether you should say where you are. Maybe yes? Maybe no? It's guilt I think that drives these thoughts patterns, in my experience anyway. So remember guilt is for the guilty! You are an adult and entitled to make plans, move around, without constantly providing updates unless it feels natural and you want to. I think I find it easier when I can let go of what they might / might not be thinking ( we can't control it anyway). If you feel like saying where you are, do, if you don't , don't. If you are asked directly do you want to lie about it or not? Personally I find the whole thing much cleaner and easier when I am straight about things, as lying makes me feel ick, and I think it just adds to these dysfunctional dynamics. It's a case of letting them do their thing in response - and not expecting them to react how we would like, I think. So I might still get the " oh, is that where you are ....long pause "...That's the sad part is that the habit of living in FOG makes us want to avoid these types of interactions out of a need to protect ourselves, which is exhausting. That's the part which we need to offer ourselves the compassion for. Maybe you could prepare by saying " I will tell Mom where I am if she asks but if I get that kind of response, I will be kind to myself and remember ...this is just what happens, nothing new here". I hope that helps!
 

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks Sheppane!
This is how I would normally behave. Tell the truth and let them deal with it. But lately something has changed within me and I decided I really don't want to share with my mum where I am. She never has something nice to say about it, it's always negative or passive aggressive. When I was here in January she kept asking when I would go back to work, and when I said 'I don't know, I am flexible' she would retort 'aren't they looking for you?' and then say something like 'well, you know best'. She also seems to think that when I am not there, I am on holiday 🙄 So I decided to pretend I am there. It's difficult not to actively lie because she will ask questions that have to do with the location and I cannot always dodge them, but I don't have ethical scruples about lying anymore. She doesn't deserve to know the truth. I noticed today that she was getting annoyed with me for no reason, while I was chatting with her and trying to be helpful and empathetic about the side effects she gets from chemo. She was snappy. I can't help thinking that she never gets snappy with my sister. She's all sweetness there. And then I remember how in my dad's funeral, when I said I would step outside for a moment with my aunt, before the service had even started, she said 'no, you are family and you are not going anywhere, you are staying here'. Even though she did not even try to hug me or show any emotion toward me. But she was constantly hugging my sister, holding her hand and consoling her. But sure 'I am family'.

Sorry, I digress! Bottom line is she has shown her true colours and it's hard for me to want her to have any kind of information about me, no matter how trivial.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi WOBG,

I think it is because you are getting "harder to control". What I mean by that is, as you engage in boundaries that are good for you, the stuff she wants is less available to her. You're not giving her what she wants. They act on pretty simplistic terms if you think about it right?

I went through this with my PD mother before I went NC. The less I did what she wanted, the more it upset her and the passive aggressive stuff, snide stuff increased on her end. It's a predictable response when someone wants to control us. They are upset by our moves to get away from their control.

So she probably didn't get annoyed with you for no reason, she got annoyed with you because you refuse to play her game. You refuse to do what she wants, which is to tell her where you are working. But she has no self-awareness so she'll never say "well I'm annoyed with you because I counted on you for supply and now you are realizing you don't have to operate under the fog of obligation towards me and that upsets me". I mean, none of us have PD parents who are going to know why they keep seeking supply from their own children. No PD parent I've ever heard of has said to their adult children, "oh you better not have your own boundaries because I come first". They never tell us that this is the game they are playing with us.

I saw this in my FOO. They acted like I was abandoning them, and I guess in a way I did abandon them because I abandoned their game. I can't spend my life, giving them supply. I just can't. But try getting them to understand that. I can't. Emotionally immature people don't care about the truth, they care about getting us to take care of them, even to our own detriment. 

It can be very hard for us because we're trying to show concern for them, but that's not what they want. They want us to do what they want us to do. They don't want us to have boundaries and they act out when we do assert a boundary.

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

You are so right, Trees. The system wants to reassert itself. Whenever the balance is upset, it simply won't do.

I was thinking of something else today: has anyone else experienced this feeling that it is never a good time to voice their opinion and put themselves first? That, for various reasons, the timing always feels wrong? I wonder to what extent this is a learned feeling, one imposed to us by others or something objective. For instance, I feel that with my mum just now I am unable to act as I would want, i.e. go very low contact and make my feelings known, because she is severely ill and in mourning. I recognize this feeling though as something that I have often felt before: with my narcissistic ex, whose stress levels were always high; with my dad, who was also ill, and I didn't want to upset him; with my place of work, when I was saddled with extra work, and, being in a fixed-term position, didn't feel I could complain. It's almost like a leitmotif.

[Liketheducks]

I think it is because you are getting "harder to control". What I mean by that is, as you engage in boundaries that are good for you, the stuff she wants is less available to her. You're not giving her what she wants. They act on pretty simplistic terms if you think about it right?

I went through this with my PD mother before I went NC. The less I did what she wanted, the more it upset her and the passive aggressive stuff, snide stuff increased on her end. It's a predictable response when someone wants to control us. They are upset by our moves to get away from their control.

I can SOOOO identify with this.   This is definitely my experience with my FOO.   I just wonder if it is their coping mechanisms OR intentional.   It always feels like it is intentional, but I can't be so certain.   

You are so right, Trees. The system wants to reassert itself. Whenever the balance is upset, it simply won't do.

I was thinking of something else today: has anyone else experienced this feeling that it is never a good time to voice their opinion and put themselves first? That, for various reasons, the timing always feels wrong? I wonder to what extent this is a learned feeling, one imposed to us by others or something objective. For instance, I feel that with my mum just now I am unable to act as I would want, i.e. go very low contact and make my feelings known, because she is severely ill and in mourning. I recognize this feeling though as something that I have often felt before: with my narcissistic ex, whose stress levels were always high; with my dad, who was also ill, and I didn't want to upset him; with my place of work, when I was saddled with extra work, and, being in a fixed-term position, didn't feel I could complain. It's almost like a leitmotif.

I'm also dealing with this just now.   How much of my life have I stuffed down my individual emotions and needs for the sake of keeping the peace?   It's a balancing act, I believe, in any relationship.    It is something I do whenever I'm in any time of stressful situation.   I just make do until I can recognize and process what I'm feeling.   

[walking on broken glass]

I have been calling my mum every two/three days or so, sometimes every day when it is right after a chemo treatment to see how she is doing, other times more sparsely. I have noticed that when I call her after we haven't spoken for a couple of days, she emphasises how bad she's been and that the pain was unbearable etc. I wonder if this is on purpose to make me feel bad. She goes through all her symptoms, and I just make sympathetic noises and sometimes helpful suggestions, and in the end she concludes with 'well that's how it is and cannot be helped, I just endure it.' Classic martyr behaviour. For instance, I didn't call her yesterday and the night before, and when I called her today she didn't pick up at first and the second time I called her she said she couldn't answer because the doctor was here and that she's been in unbearable pain the past few days, 'you have no idea.' She makes it sound as if we haven't spoken in ages while she was suffering silently. Is this me being hypersensitive because I am prone to feeling guilty? Or does she actually exaggerate to achieve exactly that? I don't doubt that she is in a lot of pain just now and I am sorry for her. I just know that she won't be talking like that to my sis, the golden child.