Estranged daughter

[verum71]

Most of my recent posts have been about my 17-year-old estranged daughter. She hasn't contacted me since August. I've been sending her texts and asked her several times about going out and grabbing a bite to eat or getting some coffee. I'm getting nothing. At this point in her life right now she's been pretty effectively alienated from me as her dad by her borderline mother my ex-wife. A friend in the forum steered me in the direction of the anti-alienation project on YouTube. I've listened to several videos on there that have been extremely helpful. What I'm struggling with right now is that every day I wake up and it's on my mind. I just feel like I need to do something and I'm not really sure what it is. She'll be 18 in May. There is a lot of history with my borderline ex-wife That my daughter is not aware of, and I had effectively kept her sheltered from as she was growing up. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm having a hard time waiting for things to change and simultaneously unsure of what to do. I love her very much and it really hurts.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh, gosh. This sounds so heartbreaking. Perhaps you could send your daughter a message once per week (or at some interval that seems reasonable to you), saying something simple like, "I'm always here for you. Love, Dad."

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm really sorry this is happening.  So painful!

I went through something much shorter with one son who is older than your daughter.  I didn't think he was upset with me.  In fact I was more worried about how he was doing (not without reason considering the history).

Anyway I sent a brief text, a little light hearted stating something about how mom's have feelings, too and can feel hurt when ignored.  I think young people often see their parents as invulnerable.  So that got a response, kind of "oh yeah, sorry about that" ... and it turned out his silence had nothing to do with me or our relationship.

A family therapist once pointed out my avoidance of ever showing vulnerability around my kids and suggested I share that more.  I almost never do.  But every so often when I do, I've been glad.

This may or may not be appropriate for you to consider.  It's okay with my kids, but there are people or situations in which I would never do it.  So I understand if it doesn't feel safe or right for you with her.  I hope you find some peace one way or the other . . .

[blacksheep7]

Hi Verum71,

It is painful when a child doesn't want to speak or have a relationship with us. I understand your hurt.

I've also experienced this when dd was 21. I just wanted to clear things up about our living arrangements and divided chores which she wasn't respecting. I wasn't asking for much as she was going to college and working part time.
When I asked her to sit down for a conversation, she went to her bedroom, took her backpack and went out the door to never return.

I wasn't worried about her safety being a very responsible young adult, even with a chronic illness.
The thing was that she went to her father's  house and he never called me to know what was going on or just to tell me that she was there. Dd told him that I threw her out. I know that he was happy to have her since he had already threatened me in the past to take her from me.

It lasted nine months, the two not able to converse or have accountability. She remained living with her F. He was now the good parent.

I have a cordial relationship with dd today who is 43, not more, a superficial one.

It is very difficult to come to terms with one parent having a Pd. Dd didn't have a cellphone back then and she did not want to talk to me.

I wish you patience as you will need it. This is a situation that will take time. She is young and vulnerable. Surround yourself with people who are able to listen and understand you.  

[verum71]

Thanks for the feedback!  Black Sheep - I'm sorry to hear that that is the way things turned out with your daughter - to be honest this is one of my biggest fears, that the damage is done and will be beyond repair.  We were very close when she was little and this drift away has been a slow and steady trickle for the last 4 years.   I also agree with the fact that she is young and vulnerable.  I remember when we had this argument back in August that was the precursor for her going no-contact.  She has been asserting her rights as an older kid in making all of her life choices over the last 3 to 4 years.  In the middle of this last argument, at some point she said - clearly - "I'm just a kid" - which was the opposite of what she has been telling me for the last 3 to 4 years.   My struggle right now is that if I assert myself and try to address this problem head on, it's going to make this already difficult time of her life - senior year, health issues, etc., - that much more challenging.  I have been talking with my wife about trying to be patient through all of this and wait until she is 18 and ready to leave home. 

Lookin to be free - Poison Ivy - that has been the path that I have been trying to take. A message here and there - "let's get together, have some dinner, meet for coffee" - just some quick reminders to let her know that I am still here.

[blacksheep7]

Please do not think that your relationship is beyond repair. As I have already mentionned, it might take some time but as long as you stay true to yourself being there for her without judgement as you are doing now.

I never criticized her PdF to her and believe me I could have had plenty to say.......I always bit my tongue. Nor did I talk about how and why she left.  I accepted the situation and went on from there to rebuild a good relationship leaving my disapointment, anger and grief for myself.  The only thing I could say was that I was sorry that it had to turn out this way, her leaving with no explanation.

She can say what she wants about me today but nothing to the fact that I was rude, mean, angry or jealous for that matter.

I have a cordial relationship with her father as we see each other at the g-kids events. I do not feel any less of my worth not being around as much as he is who lives in the same area and makes sure that he is not forgotten....you know what I mean

I know it is difficult, I still remember the heartache.

Hang in there.
Take care.

[escapingman]

I feel your pain, I am in almost an identical situation. Although I have contact with my daughter it us like interacting with the shell of her. Only one line replies on messages, always trying to make me feel bad or telling me how poor her mum is. When I see her she is almost silent all the time unless she is trying to make me feel bad or stir up a fight. The only times I really get to see her is when she is getting some monetary value out of it. I haven't given up but I don't let it ruin my life. I keep messaging and asking her to join us for things, if she says no I go ahead and do it with my other daughter anyway.

All I can hope is that she sees the light one day. That's probably what you should do as well. Be there for her when she is ready, until then keep messaging and get on with your life.

I am sending you tons of love from o e alienated parent to another.

[verum71]

Thanks for the feedback.  I'm hopeful that when she is older and is out from under her BPD mother's watchful eye, she'll be a little more receptive to sitting down to talk.