Panic Attack at Grandma's Funeral

[WipeOfftheFog]

This forum has been a great resource and comfort for me since going NC with my uBPD mother back in 2017. At this point, I am pretty much without any family contact because they all ostarcized me after I cut my abusive mother off. Anyway, over these years "my person" has been grandma (on dads side). I called her every day and she was my refuge from loneliness. My parents had put her in assisted living while they moved away to some hedonistic boomer hellscape in florida. I heard she was sick in the hospital so I rented a car and drove 3 hours to be by her side. No other family showed up. I was alone and scared and did my best to comfort her. Since I live in another state, I couldn't be there every night and she ended up passing away in hospice alone

Fast forward to the funeral... I walk in and immediately see my mother and her 3 brothers. They all ignore me. One in particular (also highly suspect BPD) was giving me the occasional dirty look. I tried not to let it bother me and focused on speaking with other relatives and friends there. 

The next day, I had to ride in the funeral car with everyone and of course ended up sitting next to my mother. My body imemdiately went into  dissociative state. It was nothing she said or did- just being next to her, smelling her perfume, hearing her voice sends me into fight or flight. When we finally got to the church, I burst out audibly sobbing.

Then we went to lunch and of course she ended up sitting next to me. I tried to make conversation with pleasant people on the other side that I didn't know. Not long after, I started to literally black out. I could see their faces but they looked strange and my vision started to turn black. I couldn't see clearly. Then I just started bawling. Again, nothing was said but her presence cause this extreme reaction. I left the room and my father saw me. He started to comfort me and I was just staring straight ahead with a fixed stare like a deer in headlines. I was frozen.

Now today I received a text from the bpd uncle saying. I will try to post it later, but it sent me into a sobbing spell again.
I don't really know what the point of this post was.  I guess I'm just looking for validation or comfort. Sometimes I gaslight msyelf into believign it "wasn't that bad" but obviously it was if my body reacts this way to her mere presence. Now to go on with life and try to cultivate relationships I have. I will miss my grandma terribly.

[TimetoHeal]

WipeofftheFog,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved grandmother.  What a testimony to your love and respect for her that you drove all that way to be with her at the end, and that you endured being with your family members whom you haven't had contact with in years.  I can't imagine how difficult that was. 

They say that the body doesn't lie, and your reaction to being in close proximity to your mother is very telling.  You were very brave to even be in that position. 

I hope you can find some new companionship and family of choice, not to ever replace what you had with your grandmother, but to help fill that void.  Give yourself time to grieve and to recover from your experience of having to be present with your mother and brothers.  You've got our support here for sure! 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear grandmother. Bless you for being with her at the end as you were able. And I'm so sorry for your suffering at the funeral. Now that that's over please take care of yourself! I am out of contact with my family, but I very readily believe that being put into a situation with them would cause an awful reaction like you experienced.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, wipeoffthefog. It is so very difficult to lose a loved one, be in grief over the loss and to have to deal with the PDs in the funeral. It is an impossible feat. Look after yourself and go back to your strict no contact mode. There is no reason to see or speak to these people ever again. Keep repeating that to yourself to reassure your body. You are safe. The worst is over.

[blacksheep7]

Sorry for your big loss.

You were very brave to sit next to your mother in two occasions. Dreadful to say the least. I surely can understand you having a panic attack.

I can not imagine being in your position being nc since 2017 like you.

Take care

[Sheppane]

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear grandma. I find in families with FOG there is often a significant other who fills the role and their loss can be very painful to us. I am sending you love and support.
As regards your FOO ...I am just so sorry you had to endure this. And yes, it was that bad. I think everyone here knows how important that validation is. Your body told you all you need to know and I have experienced similar where my biology takes over completely around certain individuals. Remember it is your body's way of trying to alert you to danger and to protect you. Please take good care of yourself and remember you do not need to be around people who are not safe for you. It is sometimes hard to avoid these situations at funerals where we just do the best we can, but now that it is over I hope you will find the space to look after yourself and rest. We are here for you.