Separated

[Pig wrestler]

Hello everyone,

Well, I am out. Things are good so far, even amidst the confusion and emotions.

This is heavy stuff! I can see why you all recommend limited contact but it is quite difficult with kids. I went to visit tonight and grab more of my belongings. There were a lot of empty promises, apologies (kind of), and lots of sweetness from uNPDw tonight.

Her new tactic is to go to a all inclusive 3 night/4 day couples counseling retreat. After thinking about for awhile, I told her someone would end up in jail AGAIN if we went on a trip. She wants to air all of the laundry. I really don't feel like this is a wise decision to go with. What does the group think?

[square]

You really don't think this is a wise decision.

You think someone will end up in jail if you do it.

Pig Wrestler, you know better than any of us what is likely to happen. And what I think is, I believe you.

[square]

You are getting hoovered with the empty promises, sorta-not-really apologies, and sweetness.

It's tough to take. We all want things to work out with our partners. It's so tempting to think that finally things will get better.

But I notice that you have referred to the promises as empty. The apologies as "kind of." You are coming Out of the FOG.

There will be shifting tactics. Shifting stories. If she feels the hoover isn't working, I'm betting she'll swing the other way and it won't be pretty.

Keep these words in mind: "This is why I moved out."

[Rebel13]

Oh my gosh that sounds like a nightmare. I went to therapy once with my mother. All it did was give her more techniques to turn around and use on me. (Eg, if I asked her not to bring up a particular topic, the response was "Well I have the right to express myself!")

And at a retreat you would be trapped! For a whole weekend! Oh heck no. You gotta draw the line somewhere and it seems like assault ought to be it.

[walking on broken glass]

Don't do it! It gives me the chills even thinking about it. Keep yourself safe.

[MaxedOut]

Echoing others, this sounds like a bad idea and an emotional manipulation/control/hoovering attempt (that is potentially volatile as you mention). I will posit another consideration. What if your wife is able to maintain herself/mask? What then? From all you describe, there isn't a healthy relationship to be had and your wife has significant PD traits and you are Out of the FOG and know you do not want to remain in this relationship. Where would that leave you? Potentially staying in the relationship? Still leaving but then being the guy who split after a positive retreat? In a holding pattern marginally holding on until she gets abusive agian?

I think this is an unlikely scenario but just pointing out that it is not a good outcome (potentially worse) if your guess on how things will go swings the opposite direction.

[escapingman]

I did some couples counselling with my now ex wife after I initially told her I wanted a divorce. I knew it wasn't going to work but I thought that I have could give it a couple of months as I already given the relationship 20 years. She used the sessions to play the victim and tell the therapist all about how bad I am. It only helped me be more 100% sure about the divorce and that I made the right decision. You already know, reading what you wrote, just get out and save yourself.

[StartingHealing]

Yep, she trying to hoover you back in.  The retreat.  You have already answered the question.  Don't.  Just Don't.  You already know it's not going to end well and to me it's part of her way of doing a pump fake to make it "appear" she is willing to work on "stuff".

Wishing you all the best

[JR]

Hello everyone,

Well, I am out. Things are good so far, even amidst the confusion and emotions.

This is heavy stuff! I can see why you all recommend limited contact but it is quite difficult with kids. I went to visit tonight and grab more of my belongings. There were a lot of empty promises, apologies (kind of), and lots of sweetness from uNPDw tonight.

Her new tactic is to go to a all inclusive 3 night/4 day couples counseling retreat. After thinking about for awhile, I told her someone would end up in jail AGAIN if we went on a trip. She wants to air all of the laundry. I really don't feel like this is a wise decision to go with. What does the group think?

Good luck and hoping for the best for you, and also proud of you you have great courage and fortitude and with that your unstoppable now