“In Trouble” - Conditioning Others

[MaxedOut]

This isn't quite the right fit for a topic but wanted to raise up the conditioning and experience we have due to that in this journey and the physical reactions from it.

Maybe that autonomic reaction and mix of feelings comes from finding this forum or posting the first time. Maybe it's reading a book related to PDs or abuse. Maybe it's reaching out to a crisis agency or LE. Maybe it's using the term abuse for the first time with a therapist - or just getting a therapist.

For me all of those are the case. Heart pounding, sometimes ears ringing a little, knowing this was breaking the unspoken (and in some cases more spoken) rules of the PD. The feeling of being a grow adult afraid of "getting in trouble." Knowing there was not room in the framework for this because they mostly define reality. That individuation, much less starkly facing reality of the toxicity, is a huge no-no (perhaps an act of combat in the zero-sum perceptions).

Which is to say, I am proud of myself and all of you regardless of what those relationships look like. Regardless of how things are, or whether/how anything has changed. Just clicking here, just showing up, just creating permission inside yourself for truth, for clearing some FOG, is a big deal.

And sometimes it may be a little too much to sustain, and that is totally understandable too. I went for a few months MIA here and not engaging in further talk/inquiry because it was all a bit too much to keep pushing at.

A longtime pattern of my UBPDSTBXW was jealousy and suspicion of cheating (with literally nothing on my part or basis for that). Towards the end she apparently attributed caginess with my phone to cheating (and in a lovely turn of events posted that I was cheating to public social media, which has been seen by friends, acquaintances, and professional network people!). And there probably were times when I may have had a bit of that vibe. But from accessing resources, screenshotting abusive texts that I may not have yet deleted from photos, having one therapist with a text platform involved, etc.

 
She likely sensed some leaking of that fear/anxiety I felt with each step Out of the FOG. I'd love to hear what others experienced. That fear of being in trouble still gets me. And, boy, driving to and waiting in a consult room for the first appointment with my lawyer was nearly panic attack inducing. I was using breathing and grounding techniques like crazy and was pretty sure I would need to address what was happening anxiety wise as the first topic (I didn't but mostly because the wait lasted about two minute later than peaking autonomic nervous system response).

[Rebel13]

This is such a great topic. Thanks for bringing it up! I want to think about it a little bit before I write more, but thank you.

[notrightinthehead]

Now I am 6 years out and NC. Every time a letter from his lawyer arrives about the divorce I go into a spiral for three days. Ears tingling, brain fog, heart pounding, trembling. I know I have to deal with it, and eventually it will be over, I just wish I would not have this massive reaction.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, things are way better. I sometimes feel nervous but ok with my own actions that are about my self at this point, not like I am a kid sneaking out back to smoke a J at a family event or shoplifting at a store just because I am reading about abuse or opening up to a friend about what has happened. But communications for her, sending/getting legal docs, even thinking about those is hard. And the more agro/crisis messaging can spiral me for a chunk of time even when my brain knows better. At least the out, upper parts of my brain. That part lower and central has had millions of years refinement to keep alert systems active and prime my body for fight, flight, freeze, fawn.