Frustrating

[Deby64]

I'm going to vent for a minute. It's hard for me to accept that I can't point out irresponsibility in my PDH without him becoming emotionally dysfunctional/immature. Most of the time he projects issues on me that are his own personal problems. If I attempt to point that out. It's becomes an issue. I do my best to keep my thoughts to myself, yet it's frustrating and hard to believe his PD causes him to lack self awareness.

[SonofThunder]

I agree Deby64.  Once I became educated and aware of what you stated about a PD's lack of concern for their behaviors toward me, it was a shortfall in which I had to come to grips. 

An interesting twist for me (not certain about your PDh) is that there were other people in which my PDw demonstrated concern for others and focused care in those relationships regarding her self control. If she could do that just for one other person, I knew it was actually self-controllable. So, I accepted that I was just the chosen emotional host to feed the satisfaction my PDw received by directing her anger and manipulation toward me.   

Realizing that truth helped me to focus more on the toolbox for self protection, because I knew I was the purposeful target of her behaviors.  Doing so still did not solve the fact I was married to something like a wild cougar, and that I must be very purposeful and diligent in my own movements and behaviors, as certain things would trigger that big wild cat to lash out at me. 

It was a tough pill to swallow, but I came to accept that the relationship I shared with her was the best it would ever be. "Oh well" (Square quote  ). 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

Deby64, you don't have to keep your thoughts to yourself, you can diarise them. Write them down and your own thoughts and feelings about the behaviour too. It will help you in future when you wonder if that really happened or if you are just exaggerating or misunderstood. It also helps you to ease your frustration with the behaviour.

[Poison Ivy]

I suggest looking up "rejection sensitivity" and "rejection sensitive dysphoria." Neither would be an excuse for your husband, but they might help with understanding his behavior. My ex was (and probably still is) extremely sensitive to anything that carries even a whiff of criticism. Eventually, I felt as though I had only two choices: talking about problems with him and then feeling guilty because I was "causing him to feel bad about himself"; or not talking about problems with him. I stopped talking about problems with him, and I got a divorce.

[Deby64]

Thanks for the responses. It sure helps to know I'm not alone. I do journal notrifhtinthehead, and find myself getting depressed at how the theme of the entires have been the same for such a long time. sonofThunder, one thing I have learned is the PD is a master at mirroring the next right thing. They don't feel it nor mean it. So when we see them treat others better, we have to know within it's a manipulation tactic to appear awesome to others. Position Ivy I will research your information. Information is power and strength to endure for me. After being with him 40 years, divorce sounds like a freaking joke.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm not saying "get a divorce." I know this is a very personal decision.

We were married for 31 years and have been divorced for 9 years. I get along better with my ex now than I did in the second and third decades of our marriage.

[Deby64]

Oh Posion, I'm not saying you meant for me to divorce. Sorry, I was being sarcastic. We should have probably divorced years ago. I too believe we would be awesome friends. We love and care for each other. His uPD is finally wearing me down. I believe I stay because of my Faith and not wanting to go through the trouble of splitting things up. Heck, only God knows why I stay. Even typing that hurt my head. I'm am excited that it worked for you. It's depressing to realize it won't get better. My changes are coming, yet this marriage may stay the same.

[Poison Ivy]

The hardest thing for me was realizing that my husband wasn't going to change and there was nothing I could do about that. It felt awful to get a divorce, and I probably will always feel some shame that I did so. There are no good solutions in the situation you're in and that I was in. You have my sympathy and empathy.

[Deby64]

Poison Ivy,
Thank you for that. I fight feelings of depression because it feels like a loose loose situation. I attempt to focus on my peace and sanity. But the reality of him never ever getting this is slowly chipping away at me. I know God created him and everything he created is good, so I'm praying that the changes I make will also change my perception for the better🙏🏾