Financial abuse, neglect

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. I've never opened up about this topic before but i wanted to do it here. There is a lot of financial abuse and neglect in my NPD family. Unfortunately, I am still in touch with them-ironically, it's because of financial problems.

Anyway, I quit my job in 2023 because I couldn't get to the workplace due to not having transportation (the job was in another country where the transportion system is not great-you need a car there)-I now regret it because the workplace was good but...it was a bit dangerous to leave my shift at 10pm and walk 2 km in the dark until i found the nearest bus station-that may or may not have a bus coming..anyway, that is in the past. So, I moved back in with foo because of the job loss and could not get another job. I am also not entitled to unemployment so i had to live off my savings. My savings finished last year and i still couldn't find another job.

After i ran out of money, i couldn't even buy food-my family knew and did not care. Sometimes, I would eat once a day to save money and of course could not afford anything. My foo has enough money, they don't have major payments (no rent or mortgage) and, despite of this they refused to help me financially.

The worst was when I got the flu 3 times and had to buy medication. I didn't have money and my parents did not buy anything for me-my dad gave me some money but was not enough for all the pills. Anyway, a friend helped me financially and so I recovered quicker due to those meds. My mother was so mean, she never asked me if I am OK, never took an interest in my condition (yet, when she is sick, she wants me to care for her as if she was a sick baby). Anyway, I am now labelling my parents as financial abusers as well as emotional abusers. Financial abuse in families is when you have the resources to help your adult child and yet you don't do it-my mom even enjoys seeing me struggle (covert narcissists are sadistic this way).

She gets very jealous when I work and earn money so whatever job I get from now on, it needs to be kept a secret; mom used to ask me for money because she needed to pay her debt-if I didn't give her money, she'd tell me she raised me and I owe her. LOL

It is sad that people don't talk about financial abuse in PD families because I think it is common and it's a major reason for staying in touch with abusers. Anyone went through similar experiences?

How did you manage the financial abuse by your FOO? And parents who think are entitled to your money?

[TimetoHeal]

Hey, MaryPoppins.

I think financial abuse is very common in dysfunctional FOO's.  Money is never just money to them, it's a form of control.  My parents were on the opposite end of the spectrum, using money to keep me tied to them by paying for things I couldn't afford on my own.  May sound nice at the time, but it gives a parent immense leverage over you and keeps you a child that can never take care of themselves or stand up for themselves.  I am still untangling some things financially from my mother in my middle age.  Going through a divorce did not help.  But I'm almost there. 

I'm so sorry you went through a job loss and 3 bouts of the flu with no emotional or physical/financial help.  Families are just supposed to be there for each other, you know?  And it sounds like you are there for them, but not vice versa.  I hope you can get a job soon, any job, so you can get out from their oppressive control and start to rebuild your life.  It sounds like you live in the US from how you described your commute situation. Unfortunately, we have very few "walking communities" and it is very difficult to survive without a car.  Is there anyone you could ride share with, or the opportunity to buy a used clunker that will just get you from point A to point B?  Or even a job where you still had to use public transportation, but during daylight hours? 

Wishing you the best. 

[JR]

these are 2 great posts
i too am at this moment under financial duress because of my interaction(caregiver) and my finances have been drained since 2015 caring for a Narc parent hoping they would get back on their feet(never will happen) and left my job thinking i was doing the right thing and at the time not knowing that Narcissism existed in my family for years. im really at this very moment trying to formulate a escape plan and a way to improve my money/employment situation, these narcs want you to be completely subserviant to them and your money is their money and keep you in their low level toxic existence. i need to break the emotional trauma cycle and come to grips with these people will not improve they only wiil digress, they are sinking ships and want to take you down with them. 

[Liketheducks]

I experienced a form of financial abuse while I was putting myself through college in the US.  Here, you need your parents tax returns if your a certain age.  1. To prove that they're not considering you a dependent and 2. To prove need.  At the time, my parent's marriage was imploding.  Gosh, this was 35 years ago and it still stings.  My parents had separated.  My mom in hiding, because my father was an abusive addict.  My father seemed to think I knew where my mother was.  I was 18.  On my own.  Working full time and going to university full time.  I didn't have enough time in the day to know where my mother was, and she wisely hid it from me.  My father wouldn't give me the tax documents necessary to get any kind of student aid as punishment.  I was enormously grateful to find a solution in the form of an aid appeal and a very sympathetic attorney who took on my cause for free.  I just don't understand why parents would hamstring their own children.

[JR]

I experienced a form of financial abuse while I was putting myself through college in the US.  Here, you need your parents tax returns if your a certain age.  1. To prove that they're not considering you a dependent and 2. To prove need.  At the time, my parent's marriage was imploding.  Gosh, this was 35 years ago and it still stings.  My parents had separated.  My mom in hiding, because my father was an abusive addict.  My father seemed to think I knew where my mother was.  I was 18.  On my own.  Working full time and going to university full time.  I didn't have enough time in the day to know where my mother was, and she wisely hid it from me.  My father wouldn't give me the tax documents necessary to get any kind of student aid as punishment.  I was enormously grateful to find a solution in the form of an aid appeal and a very sympathetic attorney who took on my cause for free.  I just don't understand why parents would hamstring their own children.

these people (i wont even call them parents, would be a disservice to real ones) are petty toxic and only want to damage and punish their children for just being themselves, its really hard to get your head around why narcissist parents do what they do until you get the knowledge about how narcissists operate and try to defend yourself against them by getting as far away from them and their flying monkeys as you can. initially you(we) didnt know what we were up against, now by getting the wisdom about narcissism we will know. remember we are the strong ones we took their best shot at us and they failed and failed miserably.

[blacksheep7]

I could relate.  When I bought my first home I was single. After only a few months I ended up in the hospital with a serious illness.  My meds cost $$$$$ even though I had insurance. At the same time, just out of the hospital my car went dead. When bad hits, it's usually never alone.
My NF who always criticized his bday gifts, did once again and I explained that I was tight. He knew what I went through but all he had to say was «yeah yeah, we all have money problems»  Thanks!  No empathy. I didn't ask for money and one time still living at home as a young adult I asked him for a lift since living in a new development the bus scheduele was tight, he asked me to give him money for gas. wt.....  Later in life he expected us to pick him up if he had appointments, calling us during meal time. Drop everything for him.  It infuriates me when I think of it.

I found out later that he had lent $2,000 to my brother and his wife who had no children pretaining to have debts. I knew that my sis in law liked to go to the casino.

NF knew that I was responsible with money,a working woman.  I could understand if I would always be asking, not the case.
Anyway, I always repeted that that man was not made to be a father, period.

Yes JR, today we are the strong ones.

[mary_poppins]

Hey, MaryPoppins.

I think financial abuse is very common in dysfunctional FOO's.  Money is never just money to them, it's a form of control.  My parents were on the opposite end of the spectrum, using money to keep me tied to them by paying for things I couldn't afford on my own.  May sound nice at the time, but it gives a parent immense leverage over you and keeps you a child that can never take care of themselves or stand up for themselves.  I am still untangling some things financially from my mother in my middle age.  Going through a divorce did not help.  But I'm almost there. 

I'm so sorry you went through a job loss and 3 bouts of the flu with no emotional or physical/financial help.  Families are just supposed to be there for each other, you know?  And it sounds like you are there for them, but not vice versa.  I hope you can get a job soon, any job, so you can get out from their oppressive control and start to rebuild your life.  It sounds like you live in the US from how you described your commute situation. Unfortunately, we have very few "walking communities" and it is very difficult to survive without a car.  Is there anyone you could ride share with, or the opportunity to buy a used clunker that will just get you from point A to point B?  Or even a job where you still had to use public transportation, but during daylight hours? 

Wishing you the best.

Thank you. Any type of financial abuse, even yours (giving you money to pay for things you wouldn't be able to afford) is BAD. Because we can't afford them guilt tripping us later. 'But I paid for your rent/food/clothes/car.. and you can't even do this for me!' This is horrible and I learned never to bring this situation upon me again. Only rely on myself. Can u believe it that it took me 40 years to find this strenght in myself? Not relying on them is huge and I am still struggling to push through the thought 'But what if they'll change and help you out?" NO THEY WON"T!! They are cheap, mean and dysfunctional narcissists who never showed care to anyone in the family or outside of it.

BTW, we have an uncle who is dirt poor. Unfortunately, he lives in the countryside, isolated from the cities where there are no jobs. My mother's sister is always calling and crying over the phone to help him out (her brother) and she refuses. Imagine leaving your own brother to rot in poverty (he sleeps in a delapidated old home with rats running around and sometimes no electricity) and you not giving a shit about him. Especially when you pretend to have a good relationship with him.

Yeah, they don't care, not only about their kids/adult children but about their relatives, too.
I am not in the US, but in Europe. I had some luck with a job this week, let's see if it's a good one.

[mary_poppins]

these are 2 great posts
i too am at this moment under financial duress because of my interaction(caregiver) and my finances have been drained since 2015 caring for a Narc parent hoping they would get back on their feet(never will happen) and left my job thinking i was doing the right thing and at the time not knowing that Narcissism existed in my family for years. im really at this very moment trying to formulate a escape plan and a way to improve my money/employment situation, these narcs want you to be completely subserviant to them and your money is their money and keep you in their low level toxic existence. i need to break the emotional trauma cycle and come to grips with these people will not improve they only wiil digress, they are sinking ships and want to take you down with them. 

Oh no, I am sorry you lost your finances because you had to care for a narc parent.
I am hopeful you will find a way to get out. Good luck.

[mary_poppins]

I experienced a form of financial abuse while I was putting myself through college in the US.  Here, you need your parents tax returns if your a certain age.  1. To prove that they're not considering you a dependent and 2. To prove need.  At the time, my parent's marriage was imploding.  Gosh, this was 35 years ago and it still stings.  My parents had separated.  My mom in hiding, because my father was an abusive addict.  My father seemed to think I knew where my mother was.  I was 18.  On my own.  Working full time and going to university full time.  I didn't have enough time in the day to know where my mother was, and she wisely hid it from me.  My father wouldn't give me the tax documents necessary to get any kind of student aid as punishment.  I was enormously grateful to find a solution in the form of an aid appeal and a very sympathetic attorney who took on my cause for free.  I just don't understand why parents would hamstring their own children.

That's terrible. They want you to fail and not giving you the tax documents will lead to your failure. It is heartbreaking, I know. These people will go to any lenghts to make us miserable. My mother is a sadist as well and creates scenarios where I am unable to succeed at something or solve something -just to make me feel like an incapacitated child, and I'm 42!!

Listening to Sam Vaknin on YouTube helps because he explains why narcissistic parents hate their kids and wants to see them fail.

Wishing you well.

[mary_poppins]

I could relate.  When I bought my first home I was single. After only a few months I ended up in the hospital with a serious illness.  My meds cost $$$$$ even though I had insurance. At the same time, just out of the hospital my car went dead. When bad hits, it's usually never alone.
My NF who always criticized his bday gifts, did once again and I explained that I was tight. He knew what I went through but all he had to say was «yeah yeah, we all have money problems»  Thanks!  No empathy. I didn't ask for money and one time still living at home as a young adult I asked him for a lift since living in a new development the bus scheduele was tight, he asked me to give him money for gas. wt.....  Later in life he expected us to pick him up if he had appointments, calling us during meal time. Drop everything for him.  It infuriates me when I think of it.

I found out later that he had lent $2,000 to my brother and his wife who had no children pretaining to have debts. I knew that my sis in law liked to go to the casino.

NF knew that I was responsible with money,a working woman.  I could understand if I would always be asking, not the case.
Anyway, I always repeted that that man was not made to be a father, period.

Yes JR, today we are the strong ones.

Yeah, narcs give money to the golden child and not the child they don't see in a positive light. Makes sense that your dad gave 2K to your brother, and nothing to you while u were in a hospital and had car troubles..It's a typical narc behavior. And it grosses me out..

[JR]

I could relate.  When I bought my first home I was single. After only a few months I ended up in the hospital with a serious illness.  My meds cost $$$$$ even though I had insurance. At the same time, just out of the hospital my car went dead. When bad hits, it's usually never alone.
My NF who always criticized his bday gifts, did once again and I explained that I was tight. He knew what I went through but all he had to say was «yeah yeah, we all have money problems»  Thanks!  No empathy. I didn't ask for money and one time still living at home as a young adult I asked him for a lift since living in a new development the bus scheduele was tight, he asked me to give him money for gas. wt.....  Later in life he expected us to pick him up if he had appointments, calling us during meal time. Drop everything for him.  It infuriates me when I think of it.

I found out later that he had lent $2,000 to my brother and his wife who had no children pretaining to have debts. I knew that my sis in law liked to go to the casino.

NF knew that I was responsible with money,a working woman.  I could understand if I would always be asking, not the case.
Anyway, I always repeted that that man was not made to be a father, period.

Yes JR, today we are the strong ones.

Yeah, narcs give money to the golden child and not the child they don't see in a positive light. Makes sense that your dad gave 2K to your brother, and nothing to you while u were in a hospital and had car troubles..It's a typical narc behavior. And it grosses me out..

definetly spot on, narcs do not treat their children equally financially,emotionally etc etc to infinity