End of the relationship - Bpd?

[Soohiab32]

Hi!  Years ago I gained tremendous help from this forum regarding parent issues and I decided to jump back on to discuss issues with a now ex.  We share values, love, and intense and positive connection as well as planned a future together.  Unfortunately it feels that we've been in a cycle - having the best time together and then all of a sudden on a dime he switches and is extremely angry at me about things I didn't even realize were an issue.  Then he's cold, yells at me, criticizes me and it just gets worse from there.  He also has substance abuse issues and is addicted to drugs and alcohol, sex and porn.  The physical symptoms he has been exhibiting show me it's just getting worse.  He doesn't think he has a problem.  He has shut out everyone in his life (his family) and doesn't have any friends.  It is very sad because of the good times.  He is impulsive, very generous with gifts and money, extremely successful in his career, extremely intelligent and very aware and vocal about how attractive he is.  He is very controlling in every sense and manipulative.  I am wondering if this is Bpd or BD, and I suspect he's covering up mental health issues with substance abuse.  Any feedback helpful here. Just trying to make sense of it all.  When he starts his rages I try to tell him I love him and hug him and get him to calm down and that just makes it worse.  We are no longer together but I'm just trying to make sense of it all because I cant think of what I did wrong, besides what he is wrongly accusing me of that he seems to be making up in his head...maybe out of paranoia.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, Soohiab.  It sounds like you've been through the wringer.  Please check out the toolbox and resources.  The tools help us learn how to stop feeding into the vicious cycles and the escalation.  One of the books many of us find helpful is "Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD."  Even though you are no longer in this relationship, these may be helpful in giving you information about the dynamics of the relationship and make you less vulnerable to being hoovered (lured back) or inadvertently partnering with another similar person.

Since the forum is peer support rather than professional help, we cannot diagnose anyone.  Many of these behaviors are done by pwPDs, but may be done by others, too.  If you read past posts on the forum you will find numerous instances when the PD blamed a partner or ex for all kinds of things they never did.  In the case of a pwPD, this can be the result of the disordered thinking which is part of having a PD. 

I think it would be quite unusual for a pwPD to have a stable, healthy, loving relationship with a partner.  In fact, I, personally, have never heard of such a thing.  There's no reason to think you did anything wrong to cause this.  It sounds like you did something very right by getting yourself out of the situation.  You may gain much insight into both sides of the relationship by reading something like Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD I mentioned before.

I hope you find help and solace here.  Please check back in and let us know how you're doing!

[xredshoesx]

welcome back @Soohiab32


I spent a lot of time armchair quarterbacking replays about what happened with my ex for about 18 months after we broke off and even almost repeated the mistake again with a 'friend' situation....  getting to the root of the things that kept me in the relationships and how it all connected with childhood trauma helped me to get past/over and wiser about what I was responding to, which has helped me move on both in my personal life/ professional life.

it hurt like hell at times and it was not a linear process but the peace of being on the other side and not having folks who want to belittle or abuse me rent space in my head is PRICELESS and worth every tear cried out of loneliness and frustration. 

you got this and you are on your way to bigger and better things-  as one of my favorite mentors here, suddenly sense,said - living well IS the best revenge.

see you on the boards!

[Deby64]

Welcome back Shoohiab,
I totally agree with everything that has been shared. The toolbox has been so informative to me and helped me stop the negativity in my head about what I did/do wrong. Glad you're back and hope you find peace.

[Exasperated]

What is pwPDs?

[GoodPesto]

It means "people with personality disorders", I think.

[Zooandbio4me]

My friend, I hear you all too much. This f******* insane roller coaster ride is NOT FUN AT ALL!! Who TF signed me up for this!? I don't want to be on this ride!! Sorry I don't have a lot to say to help, just know you're not alone!!