I keep feeling I’m at fault and I can’t shake it

[Prototypian]

It absolutely helps.   My spouse has the same issues her mother had.  And her father had a breakdown and left to remarry.  He stayed in his children's lives but they (my spouse especially) always felt anger and resentment that their dad did not take care of their mom.   The ocpd traits that their mother had eventually led her to an early nursing home, bedridden and then passing away in her early 70s because she simply was too anxiety ridden and ocpd worried about worst case scenarios to make decisions. 


I actually worry about my own kids having to take on that role for their mother with all the junk and trash and useless garbage left in the house, the anger they felt at their mom for things like being afraid to make left turns while driving or not being able to let her grandkids climb on the playground for fear of them falling.  If it were anxiety I could see the concern and the desire to help but it's the ocpd rule world that is just horrible to me.

[square]

Your kids have to deal with the OCPD either way.

If you left, you could still be a support to your children in any number of ways.

I am confident that you have already been a very different father than your father in law was. Your kids may already be healthier and better equipped to manage things than your wife and any siblings were when their father checked out.

And you will not be checking out from them.

There's a world of difference.

[JustKeepTrying]

Jsinjin,

You strike me as a pragmatic person. You have compassion and empathy. Your kids are grown and you have dedicated your life to a woman who has a personality disorder. This is not a mental illness. This is a person who intentionally makes her decisions to benefit herself. Regardless of the reason. Her fear is not your fear nor yours to manage.

Harsh I am sorry.

You deserve your own life. Have you considered working with your kids if you make the break? When I left we agreed to sell the house. When he finally moved out, he left me with rooms full of rotting garbage (the movers/cleaners gagged and one vomited) I bagged over 30 lawn and leaf bags that lined the road. We had a whole room to just hold empty boxes! It left my kids with a mess, yes, but in the end, they won't have to worry about doing this when either of us are old and decrepit. His PD is getting worse as he gets older and he now rents part of a duplex. Much less stuff for them in the end.

These are your final fears and they are valid. You are thinking long term and gaming all the possibilities. Work with them and see what happens. Now is your time and you deserve it.

[JustKeepTrying]

Jsinjin,

I owe you an apology. My previous response was harsh and uncalled for. You have been nothing but kind even reaching out when I faced real deep fears about my son. You deserve a kinder and more compassionate response.

The bottom line is that I knew deep down I would not survive if I stayed. I knew the cycles were accelerating and those moments when his eyes went black and I could feel that hatred pour off him were coming more frequently. I could no longer excuse his behavior. I could no longer lie to myself. Or gaslight myself. Or allow him to gaslight me.

I finally admitted that his problems were not a result of a chemical imbalance that could be solved with a pill or even therapy. There was no cure. But I also knew that he was aware of what he was doing. He was aware of how he was harming me. The one person he claimed to love. I could not stay knowing that.

In the end Jsinjin, the reasons you stay or leave are myriad and varied and shaded in grey. We all make these decisions and it is the most difficult decision to make. I do know that his leaving for trips allowed my nervous system to settle and I could see and reason clearly. I apologize again for my lack of tact and I only hope the best for you.

[Breadroll]

Just thinking about something Jsin said in the thread -the guilt of leaving the kids to deal  with it-

"" feel like if I leave then I'll be one of those husbands who leaves a wife and then as she ages her kids have to deal with her support and life.   I'm so conflicted""

Perhaps it possible to construct a care package in a separation financial settlement -so it takes the burden off the children - I wonder if any others have experience from a legal/ financial point of view.

It could perhaps be framed in a way that makes it generous, visibly so, and controlled by third parties?

Wanting to do the right thing, being  loving and steadfast -is a superb quality.  Your kids would benefit greatly from you being happy and well, as they marry and have their own children.