Kids

[Pig wrestler]

I cannot believe how fast all of this has happened. I just remember a few months ago I was saying to myself, man, there is something WAY off in my marriage. I hate that the kids are stuck in the middle. She is talking to them about who knows what, they want nothing to do with me at the moment. I know nothing has changed in my heart in regards to them. They are stuck at home, homeschooled with her all day long. They told me last night collectively that they do not want to see me unless I go to couples counseling with her. Now, I'm sure Square and Maxed Out will chime in on this pretty harshly (telling me to be more forceful) and rightfully so. I can take it. What I am interested in is how forceful should I be and/or how respectful of the kids should I be at this time. I do know time will bring out the truth - but I still want to have a working loving relationship with my girls (aged 10, 12 & 14).
Please help
PigWrestler

[square]

Sorry, PW, I have not meant to be harsh at all with you. The forcefulness is my emphatic support of you, and my hope is that it's not so tepid that it would be totally drowned out by the loud and repetitive voice of your PD wife in your ear.

Imho, you can be sure and confident and reassuring to your children without putting them in the middle or dumping on them or talking badly about their mother.

"Kids, I thank you for caring and wanting to solve problems. If your mother wants to tell me something, she can (use whatever contact method you allow, hopefully in writing). I love you guys and want to be with you, and it's not your job to fix adult problems."

[MaxedOut]

Oh, Pig Wrestler, that is a terrible double-bind (extortion really, assuming your wife is behind the kids' condition). And way beyond my experience. We do have a lot of folks who have dealt with having children in the mix. And I think a few have done couples counseling for the point of transitioning/co-parenting discussions.

I assume from your prior posts that the goal is separation/divorce. As Dr. Ramani points out in podcasts and has a great book about, minor children are often a reason for continuing a relationship and carving out safety, until they hit 18. She, I'm fairly sure, and others who advise on various paths typically are pretty clear about physical violence being a non-starter for remaining or at least a thing necessitating separation, the PD getting treatment, etc.

I would say I'd be talking with a lawyer (and probably DV center) about the situation and temporary custody/parenting order (potentially also ensuring counseling for the kids). And documenting stuff like what your kids say.

Do the kids know your wife assaulted you? Were they home? Is there a child protective services process playing out as well? No need to answer anything that you don't feel comfortable posting in this public forum.

[notrightinthehead]

Definitely time for legal assistance. If I understood you correctly, these are your biological kids from a previous marriage?
I have often observed that homeschooling can be abused by controlling parents to prevent a moderating, reasonable influence on their kids. Are there any schools in your area?

I remember that when I was your kids age, I always hoped and prayed that my meek father would miraculously become this strong, forceful, determined knight and rescue us from my mothers irrational temper tantrums and abuse. But he never did.

I hope you have collected evidence about the abuse. It will be helpful in the custody battle. There is a book " Splitting' that has a good deal of suggestions when kids are involved in a separation. If you are in America, search on YouTube 'child alienation' (that's what your wife does). There are lawyers specialising in this, and you might find some useful information.

[Associate of Daniel]

"Divorce Poison" might also be a helpful book for you.  Sorry you're going through this!  You're not alone though.

AOD

[escapingman]

Read up on Parental Alienation as quick as you can. Try having the kids removed from your wife as well, the longer they stay with her the worse it will get.