Failed the test🤦🏾

[Deby64]

I know that my updh(not sure what abbreviation to use). My husband has an untreated PD, this has already been established. Are gathering all this useful information and knowing he's a sick man, I got into a conversation that lead to him becoming deregulated emotionally as always. I attempted to get him to see that he talks at me for way to long like I'm a dang child. He said as his wife my "Duty" as his soulmate was to listen to him and not interrupt because that was disrespectful. WTH      Then off I go trying to get him to own his freaking annoying behavior. I know with his ingrained PD he can't or won't ever be able to take accountability. I'm upset with myself for giving in on my greywalling to try. I've been at peace for a good week or so, just by stonewalling. It's a hurt way to live, but I'm glad to not have to communicate with him. It's not even communicating it's being lectured at. Everything is about HIM... I feel as if he thinks he some dang King and my only reason for being is to serve him. I'm just frustrated and sad at this point. Keep asking myself why I'm 40 years in and keep staying. I can only listen to so much of his self absorbed talk before I loose my stuff. I've been leaving the room or going to bed. His selfish self will come to bed waking me up with that circular self talk. I'm struggling with accepting that he doesn't know what he's doing. So many people have pulled away from him because he's so self centered. Yet, his sick minds believes he cut them off because they can't stand his truth. Ok, just venting. This is so overwhelming to live with.

[square]

Sounds like a hard day, I'm sorry.

You definitely don't have a duty to take his rants nonstop, and if you did, then he would have the same duty to you.

I just want to be clear, you mentioned stonewalling him? We don't recommend stonewalling, but perhaps you meant gray rock.

Stonewalling is a manipulative tactic to punish others with silent treatment and similar behaviors.

With gray rock, you are simply uninteresting and give the bare minimum. The goal is not control or punishment but just self protection.

Good job on leaving the room or going to bed when needed.

None of us are perfect at holding the line. We all get drawn in sometimes. It's okay. You just put yourself back together again and carry on.

You also give up on trying to expect something different.

[notrightinthehead]

 I am still sitting on the fence about the ' he doesn't know what he is doing'. When mine was in a full rant, disregulatedly yelling at me, and he got a phone call from a colleague, he could switch from one second to the next to being calm and talking normally. So he certainly could control his behaviour and I suspect he knew what he was doing.
Not that this helps you in any way. It takes a while and lots of practice until the tools become your second nature. Just keep on trying.

[Deby64]

Square, thanks for the information. As I reflect on my own behavior, I truly believe I have been stonewalling. Now I wonder if it was subconscious attempt to manipulate him to STOP. I truly need to work on and get a better understanding of how to gray rock. I know I've done it a few times because I had no emotional response to being in his presence; however yesterday I wanted to blow. Most likely because I was attempting to stonewall, which takes mental and emotional energy. Thanks for the awareness. God knows I love him, but this disorder    . If I continue to choose to stay. I must learn to use my tools appropriately.