Starting Over Again with a Trigger Warning

[fixingtofix]

TW: Se ual assult/prison

Hello! I've been here before, around 2019. In the time that my alcoholic father died from lung cancer, my possibly narc def personality disorder mother in law died from cancer. Things have healed a lot with my mother but my FIL has been getting worse and worse and worse.

Short story for more background: In late 2020 my husband and two of his siblings banded together and sat down with their parents to tell them their bs has to stop. They wrote a letter that laid out our boundaries. Ex: We would not allow our families around certain family members and we will leave events if they are there. (there were more things, but that was the specific thing).

In 2021 one of the family members we would not allow our families to be around went to jail for s assault. He's going away for 25 years.

Now, we have gone LC with my FIL. I will walk by him at times when I see him bc I just don't want to deal with him. My husband has ignored/declined invites over to his house. We host him once a year, and that is on a holiday, for a few hours.

So that's the quick background. (I hope it's clear, I'm a bit all over the place.)

This brings us up to "modern times".

The past two holidays he's been to our house, he's taken a call from the son in prison. The first year he did it, I didn't quite realize who was on the phone. It took me about 20 minutes to figure it out and at that point I lost my appetite and left the table. (My dh was at another table.)

The second year, he did the same thing and then tried to pass the phone around. Nobody wanted to talk to him. The "married in" people were all looking at each other like "what?!" and my dh talked to him for a few minutes, out of the feeling of obligation.

We were recently invited over to FIL's house bc it was a sister's birthday and since she has been disabled, she's not had many friends and doesn't get out of the house much (guilt). We went over.

FIL just so happened to get a call from the son in prison again. We were playing a game with SIL and my kids were on the other side of the room playing with blocks. FIL asks who wants to talk to bil and mentions my name. I walked out of the room saying "I'm not talking to him." but DH got blocked in corner and felt he had to talk to him.

I returned to the table to play the game and it sounded like FIL hung up the call. FIL sat in his chair and my son (age 5) wanted to show him something he built. I heard FIL ask my son if he knows "Uncle X" and I looked up and kicked my dh under the table. My FIL saw my face and stopped talking to my son. I realized about 10 minutes later he was still on the phone with his son. It was actually a video call. He showed my son to a s offender.

We left shortly after and debriefed in the car on the way home. I'm ready to go totally no contact.

My husband thinks he needs to lay the ground rules out to my FIL again and give him another chance.

Now, I need to say that my husband has come a long long way from where things used to be, BUT I feel like this is unacceptable and FIL has lost any "rights" to talk to or see my children.

My husband and I are going to have a sit down about this and I need some wording about how I can stress that this is not okay. This is a pattern of behavior where FIL breaks boundaries and let it happen. This wasn't a "forgetful thing" this may not have been malicious but it's also more than just "Oh I forgot."

Thanks!

[bloomie]

fixingtofix - hi there and welcome back! I am so sorry to hear about this breach of your trust with your fil. Not once, but several times. Yikes!

Here at Out of the FOG we support you in your desire to put your children first. A great article found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first

I am grateful to read your clear-eyed and resolved in keeping your children out of harms way. Bravo!

"DH your father has proven himself untrustworthy and put our child at risk. The children and I will no longer be spending time around him."

And your H can see his father alone or not at all. His choice. But, you... are the mother of these children and the emotional, spiritual center of their lives and will stand strong, unwavering in that position.

We don't remind a person to not endanger our child. Your fil willfully ignored his family's stated wishes and limits and his own moral obligation to protect his family from his predatory son. Ticket punched. Game over.

Protecting your vulnerable children from a known predator, no matter who it is, is your highest calling and I commend you for your strong stance! You are the line of defense for them, not the line of defense for your fil. He's a grown adult.

Sending you strength, calm, and clarity as you go forward. Let us know how you are doing!