Did you fantasize being adopted?

[Cenerentola]

I had a longish phone call with my sister earlier this evening.  uPD parent is visiting sister's area (due to some complicated family drama stuff) so I have been free of any incursions for a while, but sister is getting to deal with the usual "help" and moods of uPD parent instead of me.  So of course, we talk and get some things off our chests.  Sister is generally a very stable person and sensible and never to my knowledge has passed things on to uPD parent, so is a safe person to discuss FOO issues with (this not the case for other siblings).

At some point in the conversation we each shared the "worst" memory from our childhood (topics for another post!) and then my sister confessed that she used to fantasize about being adopted by other family members or friends.  For about two seconds I was shocked and then I remembered: I had that same fantasy all the time.  I also to this day fantasize about getting up to deliver the eulogy at my mom's funeral and taking the chance to utter all the truths I have never, but never, gotten to say to her and never (for my own self-protection) will say.

Anyone else have these fantasies?  Somehow hearing that my sister goes through the same thing makes me feel both better and worse ... I feel guilty but also--what sort of parent are you when two of your kids have these "it would be better if they died and I got adopted" thoughts?  (And sister and I were *not* the "bad" kids, the ones who acted out; we were both very much internalizers.)

[Call Me Cordelia]

YES! I used to daydream both about getting adopted and about my parents divorcing so I could get away from my dad.

[Liketheducks]

YES.   Oh, and it backfired horribly for me.   I once wrote about it in my journal, as a teen.  Naively, I thought it would never be seen by anyone but myself.   However, unbeknownst to me, PD mom was reading my diary.   I was a straight A student, never drank or experimented with drugs, babysat my younger siblings, and worked part time.   I never fought with my parents or rebelled.   There were none of the markers for a "troubled kid who we should ransack her room looking for clues".   She just wanted to read it. 

My grandmother was my safe space.   My grandmother probably caused a lot of my mother's issues, but for me, she just was there and was safe.   I fantasized that both of my parents passed in a tragic car crash and my siblings and I had to move in with grandma.   The aftermath of that conversation was that I apologized to her for writing it down.   

I remember getting my first B grade in school, at 8 or 9....and packing all my childhood treasures for a sleepover because I was certain that my parents were going to kick me out when they found out.   

For as much as I've struggled with naming much of the dysfunction for what it truly was, abuse....I knew that my parents weren't like other parents.     

[Cenerentola]

I'm glad it's not just me!

Like the Ducks, that's horrible as an invasion of your privacy.

[cepnahu]

Sort of. I would fantasise that some adult might notice that something is wrong, call out my parent about the stuff they're doing and help me escape. So not really adoption, more like- being taken away and let them live with their consequences, maybe change their ways and finally try to act like a real parent, u know. I'm still to this day stuck with hope that they might love me one day and fill in my craving for parental support and affection but I'm aware it's a loss case.

So yeah, i think it's quite normal if u consider everything we go thru because of them, just kids looking for comfort.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"Matilda" by Roald Dahl was this fantasy! Her crappy parents let her lovely teacher adopt her and they all live happily ever after.

[walking on broken glass]

I love Matilda!

[Liketheducks]

I love Matilda too:).  I'm a middle aged woman drawn to stories of plucky young girls who defy the odds and create their own happiness.  Oh wait, that might be me.   

[Cacao]

Matilda was the dream! 

Yes, I really hoped I was a mix up at the hospital. My PD mother also read my diaries, and to this day I still fantasise about the eulogy speech.

[Liketheducks]

Cacao....I'm literally dreading that speech.   And what I'd do when the inevitable happens.  Her voice is so ingrained in my brain, I'm sure whatever I'd do wouldn't be "the way we do things". 

[SaintBlackSheep]

I know I'm a little late here, but I feel compelled to share...my parents were so enmeshed with me, their only kid, that as a younger child, I simultaneously HATED them and panicked at the thought of doing anything without them. But somehow I developed claustrophobia and panic attacks and would pass out when in enclosed spaces. (I had lots of fun in therapy connecting those dots as a young adult!) Also, as I entered my teen years, which are normal times for starting to separate from ones FOO and build one's own identity, which I was absolutely forbidden to have, I instead gave my heart to an abusive boy who SA'd me, then developed a major drug addiction to cope, which lasted 2 years until I detoxed all by myself and my parents thought I had the flu. But hey, I still managed to look like a perfect barbie and bring home good grades, so my parents never batted an eye. I guess we all need to find a way to escape.