Breaking Down Walls & Moving Forward

[aybabtu]

Hey everyone,

It's been a long time since I last posted here. Back then, I was in survival mode—getting through my divorce, dealing with abuse, navigating co-parenting. It was exhausting, and this community was a huge part of helping me through it.

Now, years later, I'm in a different place. My life is stable, I have a strong relationship with my daughter, and I've made it past the worst of it. But something I've realized is that just because you're out of the storm doesn't mean you suddenly know how to live again. Surviving and actually living are two different things, and I'm still figuring out what that second part looks like.

One of the things I keep running into is what my LMHC calls negative "tapes"—old patterns of thinking that get triggered when something reminds me of my past. A few days ago, I overheard my ex questioning my daughter in a way that felt way too familiar—like how she used to treat me—and I about had a fing aneurysm*. Even though it wasn't directed at me, it felt like I was right back in that place, powerless, unheard.

But here's the thing: I recognized it. My ears perked up, and I knew exactly what I was hearing. And that's a huge shift. Because now, I have a game plan. I talked to my LMHC about it, and I know what to look for, how to address it, and how to make sure my daughter doesn't go through what I did. Recognizing the red flags—that's the key. It's proof that I've grown, that I'm not the same person who just reacted and felt helpless.

Another thing I've been reflecting on is how much harder everything has always felt for me compared to those around me. Part of that comes from my disability. And just to be clear—I'm not intellectually disabled or anything like that. I have missing digits on my hands, and I wear a prosthetic leg. Physically, I've adapted, and I make things work. But the hardest part hasn't been the physical challenges—it's been the way people have treated me because of it.

Growing up, I had to fight just to be included, to prove I belonged, to show I was just as capable as everyone else. And that pattern never really went away—it just changed shape as I got older. I see friends who seem to move through life so easily—meeting people, finding relationships, building connections—while for me, it's always felt like climbing Mount Everest just to get to the same place. I don't resent them for it, but damn, sometimes it's frustrating. It's hard not to feel like I'm constantly playing catch-up, like I have to work twice as hard just to get half as far.

And because of all that, I've built walls. I want people in my life—I want meaningful friendships, relationships, and connections—but after everything I've been through, letting people in feels impossible at times. Vulnerability doesn't come easily, and when you've been burned before, it's hard not to assume it'll happen again.

I'm not here to rush into anything, but I would like to have a girlfriend. Not just someone to be with, but someone who's proud of me, and someone I can be proud of in return. I want mutual respect, support, and the kind of connection that doesn't feel like just another battle to fight.

Candidly, I don't even know if I'd get married again. Not because I don't believe in love, but because of the financial entanglements it brings. I've seen so many marriages fail around me, and I know firsthand how messy it can get. I'm not saying never, but it's something I think about a lot.

So that's why I'm here now. Not because I'm stuck, but because I want to move forward. I don't need survival advice anymore—I need encouragement in living. For those of you who have felt like this—who have struggled with trust, connection, and figuring out what relationships should look like after everything—how did you start breaking down those walls?

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

[bloomie]

aybabtu - it is good to hear your update and of the shift in focus you are experiencing. Thank you for sharing this season in your journey with us.

I wondered, as I read all that you have overcome and learned, does aybabtu realize how much they have to offer the world? The resilience it has taken to achieve and adapt in ways most never are challenged with?

More than anything, your voice, your story, is powerful and impactful. As you begin to open up little by little I hope you find an outlet for your voice that can enrich and educate others even as it strengthens and lifts you up as you share.

For me, building a small, trusted community of people had to grow from something we could share... like common interests and service to others. And then I have looked for reliability as I began to connect with people - I looked for if they were reasonably reliable and people who showed up when they had committed? Were they reasonably reciprocal? Just common sense kinds of manners stuff when applied to choosing who to invest in new relationships with were really helpful.

It has been a very slow process, but like you, my radar is so much better than it once was that I use extreme caution with yellow light behaviors and red light behaviors are a simple no go for me.

Wishing you light for the way forward!

[Invisiblewoman]

I'm still getting out of survival mode, and of lot of it is about erasing old tapes, and deciding what healthy relationships look like, and how not to position myself into an unhealthy relationship again.

I still struggle with insecurities and I too have a disability which can be hard to mask at times. I also know that I learned to mask because it helped me survive my family because emotional vulnerability was viewed as a criticism to them. Any negative feelings that I expressed would be viewed as attacking them, even if it had nothing to do with them.  My sadness or anxiety would be viewed as bad behaviour and used against me.

So as an adult I struggle to allow negative emotions because as an adult, I am supposed to have it together; but I too have been unlearning that.

What I have been proud of is how I intrinsically have set boundaries over the years with difficult people. My internal response is not crazy or as flawed as my abusers have portrayed them as. Recognizing bad situations and getting away from them has taught me invaluable lessons that my family never wanted to teach me.

[Rebel13]

But the hardest part hasn't been the physical challenges—it's been the way people have treated me because of it.

Growing up, I had to fight just to be included, to prove I belonged, to show I was just as capable as everyone else. And that pattern never really went away—it just changed shape as I got older. I see friends who seem to move through life so easily—meeting people, finding relationships, building connections—while for me, it's always felt like climbing Mount Everest just to get to the same place. I don't resent them for it, but damn, sometimes it's frustrating. It's hard not to feel like I'm constantly playing catch-up, like I have to work twice as hard just to get half as far.

And because of all that, I've built walls. I want people in my life—I want meaningful friendships, relationships, and connections—but after everything I've been through, letting people in feels impossible at times. Vulnerability doesn't come easily, and when you've been burned before, it's hard not to assume it'll happen again.

I very much relate to this aybabtu! I do not have a disability but I was bullied because of my weight both within my family (mostly by my mother) and by my peers from my earliest days. As you say, that kind of treatment really leaves scars. I remember a therapy session in my 20s when I had a very clear mental picture of myself surrounded by circular brick walls 15 feet high -- but I could still see the sky. I didn't feel sad about the walls, even though I knew that there was a strong social expectation that I should. But they made me feel safe.

Due to both luck and hard work, I've had two wonderful long-term relationships with people who loved and accepted me as I am. Because of my parents' dysfunctional example, I never wanted to get married. Like you, I feared financial entanglement, because of an early relationship that involved financial abuse and exploitation. I finally married my partner of over 20 years in 2023 -- took a long time to build that trust, and I'm very grateful that I still feel like it was the right decision.

As far as other relationships go, I've struggled. I've had a lot of friendships that didn't last. To be honest I find most relationships disappointing, and it's hard to figure out which ones are worth continuing through the inevitable differences and conflicts that arise. Bloomie posted some very kind and healing words about that in another thread here a while ago, about how people aren't always meant to stay in our lives forever, and that has surely been my experience.

I feel lucky to have found a handful of people with whom I can disclose enough of myself. And I've learned how to get some social needs met through superficial relationships -- that took me a long time. For much of my life I spurned "small talk" and didn't value low stakes interactions like a pleasant conversation with a coworker, because those things didn't touch my need to feel seen and respected as my whole self. But over time I have learned how to let relationships find their appropriate level, to recognize that people come and go, and to appreciate all positive interactions, no matter how small, as valuable reflections of the person I am. Sometimes I wonder if that's enough, if I should be doing more to break through the brick walls, trust people more, socialize more. But honestly I don't feel a lack. My current level of social interaction and emotional closeness is working for me. If ever I don't feel that way -- for example, if I lose my partner, whom I rely on a lot, and who is quite a bit older than me -- I think I could expand my circle using the principles Bloomie nicely summed up. Look for people who share common interests, who are reliable and who reciprocate, and watch for the red flags I've learned about the hard way, as you have. Learning to appreciate the small connections is also important, and along with avoiding acting "too needy," jumping in with both feet too soon, oversharing, and other problematic behaviors stemming from abuse, which contribute to difficulties in relationships. The Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube talks about those topics and I've found some of her insights helpful.

I'd love to know what you think about it. Thanks for raising the topic. Obviously it's something I think about pretty often. 

[Rebel13]

Here's an interesting article with some unusual insights about love from Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist. https://rickhanson.com/love-someone/