Well hello, I suppose.

[citrusinfinite]

I've been with my husband for almost 2 decades, and I finally left a few weeks ago after hitting my absolute limit. I'm only just now starting to see things clearly. He is not officially diagnosed with anything other than depression and anxiety, but over the past several months I've realized that I've been subjected to emotional (and narcissistic) abuse for many years. I don't wish to try to diagnose him with anything, but he aligns very closely with the vulnerable/covert narcissist subtype.

My husband has real difficulty with empathy, theory of mind, & processing his emotions. For many years, he's been completely incapable of both being emotionally vulnerable and taking accountability for his actions. I've served as his emotional butler and interpreter for so, so long. He can be startlingly manipulative & cruel, and it's always when he's emotionally dysregulated. He is a master at manipulating: blame shifting, guilt tripping, DARVO, emotional invalidation, instilling a scary amount of self-doubt in me, gaslighting, lies, control. I was constantly trying to manage his moods, trying to help him name what he was feeling and help him process it. He can't do any self-reflection and can't seem to understand that I'm allowed to have my own feelings. He was frightening when he was upset-- never physical, but an emotional terrorist. I was a full-time emotional caretaker with little time for myself at all.

I spent so many years blaming myself. If I could just explain why I was hurting better, or find the right combination of words, he'd stop being cruel. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. Maybe *I* was the one that was abusive. Maybe it was all my fault.

I am dealing with tremendous guilt every day because he has relied on me for so long for everything. On top of the guilt, I'm also furious that I've been subjected to such horrid treatment. And I'm embarrassed as well. And sad, and grieving because now I know that the potential that I saw in him was an illusion and it never actually existed.

I am in a difficult place right now physically: I am staying with my parents, who I have a very complicated and traumatic history with as well (let's just say my relationship with my dad kind of primed me to accept the kind of relationship I am now leaving). My parents don't understand what I've been through and I don't really think they're capable of meeting me where I need them, so I need to start creating a support system.

Financially, I will need my parents' help to survive until I get a promotion and can afford an apartment on my own. They've offered to help as long as I need it, but a) I don't like the idea of depending on anyone after what I've been through, and b) they could take back the offer at any time, leaving me stranded (I don't believe they would, but it frightens me).

I'm looking for support and validation from people who have had similar experiences. I'm starting to think that the only people who will really "get it"-- the absolute emotional torture, the self doubt, the terror-- are people who have dealt with similar situations. How do you navigate the guilt? How do you begin to reclaim yourself? How do you even start to build a life for yourself after losing yourself?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found the right place. People on here understand what you are talking about and share your experiences. Congratulations on leaving your abusive relationship! There is a life after - just take it slow. You are in a safer place for now. Are you planning a divorce? Do you have legal assistance if you do?
Start reading around on the separation and divorcing board, you will be surprised at the similarities you will read. The Toolbox is another great place, especially when dealing with your parents.
Others will chime in on how to deal with the guilt. When I left, after 30+ years, there was no guilt, only relief, so I can't advise on that.
Just stick around, there is a good life after, as long as you work on yourself and don't fall for one of his tricks to reel you back in or a person of similar structure! As you wrote, you might have been conditioned to ignore the red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Now is the time to train yourself differently.

[SonofThunder]

Welcome! You have found the right place. People on here understand what you are talking about and share your experiences. Congratulations on leaving your abusive relationship! There is a life after - just take it slow. You are in a safer place for now. Are you planning a divorce? Do you have legal assistance if you do?
Start reading around on the separation and divorcing board, you will be surprised at the similarities you will read. The Toolbox is another great place, especially when dealing with your parents.
Others will chime in on how to deal with the guilt. When I left, after 30+ years, there was no guilt, only relief, so I can't advise on that.
Just stick around, there is a good life after, as long as you work on yourself and don't fall for one of his tricks to reel you back in or a person of similar structure! As you wrote, you might have been conditioned to ignore the red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Now is the time to train yourself differently.

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  Sorry life is so difficult for you at this time but you are wise and joining this group of wonderful folks will be a huge support asset. Like NRITH, I was also 30+ years married to a PD spouse, 20 of which were in the fog.

We all walk these trails together here and look forward to seeing you around the boards. 

SoT

[xredshoesx]

I had a relaunch with my family after my first NC didn't work out in my early 20's.  it sounds like you are in a strong place to understand both what you are leaving behind with your husband as well as what you will be navigating as you pick up the pieces while you are with your parents again.   I also hope you are getting some legal advice IRL to make sure all the financials can be straightened out-

I didn't realize it at the time, but the two things that got me through were boundaries/ grey rocking and knowing that this was my LAST STOP on the way to FREEDOM.  minimize discussion to boring and mundane.  don't share anything that could be used against you.  I also used working as my escape valve to avoid them too-

keep building yourself up and researching-  you are making a big step to a future-  once you have settled let us know how you are and how it is going-

[Invisiblewoman]

I spent so many years blaming myself. If I could just explain why I was hurting better, or find the right combination of words, he'd stop being cruel. Maybe I wasn't patient enough. Maybe *I* was the one that was abusive. Maybe it was all my fault.

I went through the same thing with a few of my family members. If I approached them with something they did, or caught them in a lie they would lash out, and start name calling. They only seemed to respond in a way to try and push my buttons and force me to react negatively. There was no pondering my reaction to their behaviour. They would lash out about my disruptiveness, while saying and doing things that were incredibly damaging to my emotional wellbeing.

Rules for me, none for thee. If they were cruel to me it was out of some sort of necessity, while my eloquently stating my case or stating I won't tolerate deception was viewed as abuse.

They constantly manipulated the situation to their favour.

I felt bad, like there was some sort of magic combination of words I was missing, but in reality, any display of asking for respect, decency or honesty was skewed as being problematic.

It's normal to feel guilt and confusion when you step away. When I stepped away I eventually happened upon some information that proved their deception. I now have a surety that I did the right thing, and I wasn't crazy or cruel in my reaction to them.