Approaching a turning point

[Fiasco]

My BPDm has been living on her own, more or less successfully, for the last decade after she made a huge recovery from a catastrophic fall that almost ended her life. Although I've had to take over all her finances because she can't remember to pay her bills, she's managed to order her own groceries and shop on websites for other things she needs. I did have to take away her visa card and replace it with one I control because she was constantly falling for scams and dubious emails. I'm well aware she's in cognitive decline. Her doctor consistently refuses to answer my health portal messages or to administer the cognitive testing I've been asking for over the last 5 years.

All of this leaves me sort of consistently fatigued of her and her antics, but since I am a very capable financial manager and well organized person it's been ok. The more emotionally damaging part of her care I get invovled with from time to time is her medical needs. She's recently become resistant to using her healthcare even though she pays nearly nothing for visits. I think she just forgets she's supposed to deal with it. She currently has a huge skin ulcer that I recently got her seen for. It's pretty infected. And I doubt she's taking her antibiotics. I don't think she bathes. I have only seen her once in the last 5 years but that's my suspicion.

Anyway. I'm pretty sure we're approaching a disaster that will change her life circumstances and I'm a complete wreck knowing that I will have to fly out and deal with her drama and trauma when it finally comes down to calling 911, having her taken to the hospital, and then me having to make a huge fuss about that she's unsafe to be discharged. I know what to do but I am dreading it so much. I'm emotionally battered and it's not even happening yet.

She's showing behaviors of advanced dementia beyond simply forgetting things. She's now hiding things, important things, from herself. Her friend who is somehow a very nice woman keeps in touch with me when she has concerns and I guess recently they spent quite a long time looking for my mom's house keys which she had hidden behind books in the office. Now she's hidden her ID somewhere and I'm worried she won't be able to be seen at her doctors appointments. She showed up to the last one without ID and they let it slide but they may not continue to. I do absolutely not want to fly to her and take her to the motor vehicles office and someone  is bound to tell me I should.

I'm a mess, I'm obsessing over her. I wish I knew how to stop.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry. This is a very difficult situation and you are doing the best you can to handle it.
Would it be possible at all to arrange care for your mum without having to fly over there? And maybe do it now, while things are still manageable, before she hits rock bottom? It depends which country she is in, but you can maybe get someone to pay her a visit every day, check she takes her medicine and make sure she is ok? Is there any other relative or friend who could possibly help to put this into place?

[Fiasco]

I am so sorry. This is a very difficult situation and you are doing the best you can to handle it.
Would it be possible at all to arrange care for your mum without having to fly over there? And maybe do it now, while things are still manageable, before she hits rock bottom? It depends which country she is in, but you can maybe get someone to pay her a visit every day, check she takes her medicine and make sure she is ok? Is there any other relative or friend who could possibly help to put this into place?

Unfortunately I do not have the power to act for her until she does hit rock bottom. My powers of attorney (USA) do not activate until she is incapacitated, and if she's conscious to argue about it they require doctor verification. By some miracle she has two women keeping her afloat. A wonderful friend and a home visit employee. I won't go there again until I have to but at some point when she has passed or her home needs to be sold because she has been placed into care I will have to show up in person.

The only blessing of the dementia is she has no ability to recall whether or not I phone her. So I don't.

[Helfy]

Hi Fiasco I am sorry you are going through this. I'm in a similar position and it's made worse by being "socially unacceptable" on the face of it, because if people have not experienced it, they just cannot understand.  The best you can hope for is "but surely...."from the kindest of them.  I've tried to resign myself to being the bad person here and exploring the possibilities of that position.  There is a kind of peace in it.  Perhaps like me you were the scapegoat in your family of origin.

I was going to ask if you could give moral support to the friends, but that could backfire by  damaging her relationships, or it could open you up to further abuse.  I keep in touch with my person's caregivers but I don't explain anything because of that.

I hope you can get some good self-care.

I am so sorry. This is a very difficult situation and you are doing the best you can to handle it.
Would it be possible at all to arrange care for your mum without having to fly over there? And maybe do it now, while things are still manageable, before she hits rock bottom? It depends which country she is in, but you can maybe get someone to pay her a visit every day, check she takes her medicine and make sure she is ok? Is there any other relative or friend who could possibly help to put this into place?

Unfortunately I do not have the power to act for her until she does hit rock bottom. My powers of attorney (USA) do not activate until she is incapacitated, and if she's conscious to argue about it they require doctor verification. By some miracle she has two women keeping her afloat. A wonderful friend and a home visit employee. I won't go there again until I have to but at some point when she has passed or her home needs to be sold because she has been placed into care I will have to show up in person.

The only blessing of the dementia is she has no ability to recall whether or not I phone her. So I don't.

[Fiasco]

Hi Fiasco I am sorry you are going through this. I'm in a similar position and it's made worse by being "socially unacceptable" on the face of it, because if people have not experienced it, they just cannot understand.  The best you can hope for is "but surely...."from the kindest of them.  I've tried to resign myself to being the bad person here and exploring the possibilities of that position.  There is a kind of peace in it.  Perhaps like me you were the scapegoat in your family of origin.

I was going to ask if you could give moral support to the friends, but that could backfire by  damaging her relationships, or it could open you up to further abuse.  I keep in touch with my person's caregivers but I don't explain anything because of that.

Thank you. I am very lucky that the friend and the employee are both wonderful people who don't try to guilt me or give me a hard time. Because of that I am always happy to respond to their concerns and I know they are relieved to feel like I am able to get most of their concerns addressed.

There is some peace for me in the fact that she'd rather pass at home than go to a nursing home because frankly I'd prefer that as well. She'd be beyond miserable in a care environment, although that would be a reward unto itself if it comes down to it. All of it is hard, all of it is awful.

[Helfy]

I agree, it's all hard.  I hope you will keep writing.

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry fiasco. I know how difficult it is to care from a distance when you don't even want to be in this position. Dealing with aging is difficult anyway, let alone parents like ours.
If possible, try to take things as they come without thinking too much about the future. Easier said than done, I know. Maybe things will develop in a different way from what you imagine. Keep writing to us here

[Fiasco]

Thank you Helfy and walking. It's so nice to hear from people that understand.

[Tribe16]

Her doctor consistently refuses to answer my health portal messages or to administer the cognitive testing I've been asking for over the last 5 years.

Here is true confession time. When my MIL was mentally declining, she was very secretive and stubborn about doctor's visits and I'm sure made up or mixed up the stuff they were saying. The doctor literally told me "I can't tell you anything unless she signs THIS PAPER" which she thrust into my hand with a "Wink Wink".

I took it into the lobby and told MIL "Oh, it's just some insurance paper that you need to sign to update". She was unobservant enough that she didn't question it but signed. ONce we did that, we found out all sorts of stuff that we should have been made aware of months if not years before.

If you do end up having to make a trip out you may have to be creative about getting to her doctor. Maybe you can type a letter and mail it, letting them know you are not expecting a response, but please make sure the doctor sees it? Good luck. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[Fiasco]

Thank you Tribe. There has been some unexpected progress in that her attorney decided she needed to update her legal paperwork including POA. When I get the updated paperwork I believe I can send a copy to the doctor showing that I now have activated powers, and as I am also on her medical records as allowed to share medical information me, maybe we can get the ball rolling on the cognitive tests.

[Fiasco]

She's been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's. No surprise to me but great to have gotten that done! Considering letting her stay home with some paid care but the minute the next disaster happens she's off to the (expensive, super nice) memory care of my choosing.

[Tribe16]

She's been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's. No surprise to me but great to have gotten that done! Considering letting her stay home with some paid care but the minute the next disaster happens she's off to the (expensive, super nice) memory care of my choosing.

Fiasco, that sounds like her diagnosis is a burden lifted somewhat - and now at least you can kind of plan for the inevitable. Wishing you smooth sailing with as little chaos as is possible.

[Fiasco]

Thanks Tribe. I was ready to act immediately but a couple of non PD folks asked for a little more time so I agreed to delay the inevitable. I don't see what the difference is but I don't mind a little break for now.