Hello, world

[princeandreis]

Hey, out there.

In the course of intensive weekly therapy for a variety of issues, we discovered I have CPTSD. More significantly, about 8 months ago, my therapist and I realized my mom is a covert narcissist. For years, I've thought my dad was the problem, but he's just emotionally immature and of course married to a narcissist. His parents are narcissists, too. I've had to go through several significant grieving periods about my relationship with my mom, which is complicated. We used to be pretty codependent, and now she and my sister are even more so. I'm lucky enough to have finally moved out about 6 months ago and live several hours away from my family. I feel like my life has begun in earnest now.

Still, I feel so much emptiness and loneliness inside. I feel like no one in my life except my therapist understands what I'm going through. My sister, who still lives at home, is completely shut down due to functional freeze and barely texts me back. I've talked to my brothers about some of our parents' issues, but they choose to defend them and say we owe our parents respect as their children. I have several caring friends who want to know what's going on in my life, but every time I bring up issues specific to having a narcissistic parent, it's like their faces go blank and they don't know what to say. I'm glad they can't relate; I just don't know how to talk about it with people who don't understand. Even my long-distance best friend, whose dad is a narcissist, couldn't give me a great response. She's met my mom and I think she didn't believe my mom could be a narcissist because she's so charming and warm (the irony). Terms like "narcissist" and "abuse" and other therapy buzzwords are thrown around so much these days that using them in earnest around my friends makes me feel like a liar, or like I'm overexaggerating what my parents did to me.

In desperation I turned to Reddit, and someone pointed me here. I'm just looking for people who understand how isolating and uncomfortable it is to be working through these things. Thanks for reading, and thanks for being here.

[bloomie]

princeandreis - welcome to Out of the FOG and thank you for trusting us with some context about the difficult relationships that bring you here. I am so sorry you have experienced the pain and isolation of a parent, or parents, who are not healthy enough to love you as you deserve.

The number of people who knew what my own parents were actually like, both sides of them, is tiny. Their very public personas were charming, warm, compelling, caring even. The disconnect from that and the abusive, raging, self centered people I lived with was enough to create foundational uncertainty deep within me. It also worked to completely isolate me for a very long time because I can't think of one person who would want to actually know what they were really like. Even now. And I have been out of that home a very long time.

I feel so much emptiness and loneliness inside. I feel like no one in my life except my therapist understands what I'm going through

This is a space that is hard to bear up under. There is a void when we begin to remove ourselves from the known - even though it's harmful - and embrace the possible healthy future ahead. If it is any consolation to you, I will say it does get better. With time and distance, clarity and the kindness of others, it does get better!

You have found a community of people who will read through your intro post, like I have, and immediately have a deeper context and understanding than some of your friends ever will. And because we get the unique challenges your are facing we gather here at Out of the FOG and will support you on your healing journey.

There are great resources at the drop down menus and throughout the forum boards. But, for me, the conversations taking place on the forum boards has been one of the most helpful places I have found to grow forward from.

You have already found good therapeutic support! My hope is that adding this community to your support system will empower you and bolster the already wise choices you are making for your life.

We welcome you and look forward to supporting you!

[Rebel13]

Hi princeandreis,

I second bloomie's welcome! I hope you find some of the help and support you need here.

I understand how isolating it is to grow up in a troubled family. As you've experienced, most people who don't know what it's like, won't want to hear about it, or won't know what to say or how to support you.

Over time, I've been able to find some people who felt like "my people." They had similar growing-up experiences, or they were kind and empathetic enough to accompany me as I worked so hard to unlearn the bad habits my parents taught me, and learn better ways of relating to others and being in the world. I'm still on that journey! But I feel much less alone than I did when I was younger. So I agree with bloomie, it does get better!

I hope, as you continue on your path, you'll find the love and care that you need. Meanwhile, you don't owe anyone your story. I learned to avoid the subject when possible, or tell people an oversimplified, brief version when necessary: "Oh, I had a difficult childhood." "Oh, I'm not that close with my parents/siblings/family." No extra details. It's definitely hard, and isolating, especially when you are aching from not having had the kind of love and support from your family that every person needs. But for me, at least, the reactions of judgment or incomprehension were harder to deal with.

I'm glad you're here! Look around and I hope you find things that are helpful to you.

[frogjumpsout]

Welcome, princeandreis! I was in a very similar situation to yours except I think I was possibly older than you when I first realized my mother was a covert N. She, too, is charming and "warm."   I've gotten a lot out of this forum and I think you will, too.

BTW, I like your name! Is there any connection to Tolstoy's War and Peace?

[Rosie]

People get angry when you describe what your mother is like, as if you're casting aspersions on their own mother and on mothers in general. Maybe that's why it's not much known about-only a fool would risk raising the subject.
This is a safe place to have a moan, you're not alone, and you can find out how to fix it

[beachwaves]

Hi princeandreis!

As I was reading this, I could have sworn someone was playing a prank on me because this is exactly my current situation - so much so that if my narcissistic mother saw your post she would have blown up my phone with claims of defamation.

It is extremely isolating and re-traumatizing to get away from these dynamics and building your own life the way you want it, as I am constantly feeling guilty or gaslighting myself that things weren't so bad and I am actually the problem (the narrative my mother has spun my whole life). I always felt I could not express my feelings about my family or my mother because they had everyone fooled of this perfect life. The one that my parents are fighting with my sister is crying in the back seat and my mother told us to smile as we had to go out to some event or dinner and show we are nice, polite, smart girls. They can only put up that façade for so long, though, and whether it be because of age or me triggering all of her insecurities, my mother's true colors are now showing and people are now saying to me they believe me.

I am in the same boat at the moment, just trying to unearth and process years worth of trauma. It sounds like you have a therapist you trust and I am so happy for you, as the relationship with mine has healed me in ways I could not have imagined. I hope they can validate some of the things you are feeling and show you a path towards your own healing.

I am new to Out of the FOG and I am hoping we both can find some community and strength to live a life of peace. <3