What’s Normal

[Deby64]

I'm struggling to be nice to my pdh, I want to say something nice to him, but dang he's so selfish he toots his own horn. I just agree with whatever he says about himself. This 40 year relationship is wearing me out. I'm starting to want an emotional connection that will never be with him. I'm sad

[notrightinthehead]

Yes. A relationship with a person with PD is unfulfilling at best. Miserable most of the time. And soul destroying in the end. I used to think of my NPDh as dementor, he would suck joy and the will to live right out of me.

[Queenfrog]

I can relate, Deby. I deliberately stroke my PDh's ego from time to time just to try to keep him on an even keel. Meanwhile he denigrates me at every turn. It's tough living a life where we can't often say what we think without triggering a conflict.

I hope you don't always feel pressure to "be nice." Mine doesn't really believe in that idea - for anyone - so I have some leeway there. I've also discovered that I can stay silent a lot more than I thought I could, without negative results.

I, too, am sad to realize that most of my adult life has lacked any real emotional or intimate connection despite being married for decades. I'll never forget the time I woke up from surgery and he was sitting there with me and I felt -- so intensely alone. We've been together almost 40 years now. I'm not sure I'm capable of that type of connection anymore, but I'd love to try someday.

There's too much "I" in my post here. This is me trying to relate without giving advice or making assumptions about your situation. We are not alone. There is support and wisdom here in the forum.

[Deby64]

Queen, thanks for sharing. It's awesome to know someone else has been in this dark valley for 40 years and still breathes 🤣. I'm getting much better with staying silent. The truth that I can never say what I feel to him is devastating and hurtful. The tempting part is when he says the most hurtful delusion stuff and I take it without responding to keep the peace. He says hurtful stuff like it's the gospel and expects no response. Or maybe he does expect a response to he can unleash the beast? I often ask myself why I love him and why I stay. My justification is you're too old to leave now. I think of how truly miserable he must be inside. Lift him in prayer and continue to do my best with self care. This space  to share and receive understanding and acknowledgment is saving my soul💜

[Queenfrog]

Deby64, we have a lot in common! I stay now because he is too old for me to leave after all this time. I really don't like him anymore, and I'm having a moment of doubt about "love," too. He's so awful most of the time now. Even when he's being civil, his ego and contempt goes on display in unattractive ways.

Lately I have been trying more to think of how he must feel inside. It is hard for me to imagine, because we are so different. Usually the only way I can detect his suffering is when something triggers him and he responds with anger or bluster. I know it's usually coming from fear or anxiety, which he long ago learned to handle by being a tough guy. He has a touch of PTSD for sure. It sure is hard to find insight and compassion when his suffering is being taken out on me, without becoming a punching bag. I'm working on it!

I had a moment last evening. While coming home, I found myself going over explanations in my head as I often do. I don't even recall what it was, I was just preparing to explain some minor decision or action of mine, in case he criticized it. It's a mental habit I've been trying to break.

I suddenly realized that my updh would NEVER think in the same way. Where I'm coming up with defenses and explanations, his mind must often be scheming about how to manage me. It was like a light bulb going off in my head. He's always "one up" and I'm always "one down." I guess what I'm saying is that it may be helpful to try to understand how they are thinking as well as how they are feeling!

Anyway, one thing we can both work on is when to stay silent and keep the peace, and when to respond with assertiveness or walk out of the room. You said "he says the most hurtful delusion stuff and I take it without responding to keep the peace." I do that too, especially when I'm already in my PJs. But we should really try not to do that. We don't have to take hurtful talk. We probably can't change them, but that doesn't mean we have to serve as their punching bag.

This morning, he started in on me. He wants me to help him tomorrow with something that's really important to him. I could go on about this bonkers situation, but for the moment I'll just say that he was going on and on about how I'm totally incapable of helping him properly - at a pretty simple job. Before that, we had a fight because he thinks I should stop adding a drop (like 1/4 tsp) of honey to my tea, and I made the mistake of arguing about it. (He thinks it's too much sugar. Then he made me a breakfast that included heaps of jam. I mean, really!) That led to some very unkind and disrespectful language on his part. I don't even remember the exact words, but there were a few of them over the course of a half hour.

So I left for the office, instead of working from home as I had planned. I'm SO glad I can do that. I told him I don't stick around to be spoken to that way. He still thinks I got angry because he told me I was wrong, i.e. because we had a disagreement. I said I don't have any problem with disagreement, or even with being corrected. (He definitely thinks I do have a problem with that.) I said it was because of the way he spoke to me. As often happens, he seems not to know what he said that made me so upset.

It's tiresome, isn't it?   

[Cascade]

Deby64, I feel like I'm in the same boat in my marriage.

Queenfrog, I feel the same way about my husband, in that I don't really like my husband all that much. It's a sad situation but I'm not planning on leaving either.