Hi there

[billyjoe25]

Hi all,

You can call me Billy. I was raised in a household with a very abusive undiagnosed BPD mom and a dad who's very kind and sort of emotionally stunted, and always tried his best, and I always kind of idolized and tried to mirror, but I'm now facing a lot of anger and dissatisfaction towards, realizing the limits of his emotional abilities, some of the things he didn't do that he could have done, did do that he shouldn't have, and many of the maladaptive behaviors he taught me that he doesn't understand as being maladaptive and just sees as the way to get by. I'm also really struggling with the expectations that come from my dad and other family members that they don't realize or don't want to acknowledge the existence of, as well as the many strong expectations I put on myself. I want to become my own person, but I don't know how to do this without cutting off my mom and maybe the rest of my family as well, which feels very difficult, so I feel like I'm in a space now where my life is still being controlled from a distance by my family, even if they don't realize it, and I really resent them and myself for this. There is a strong expectation to act happy and positive in conversations with family and to act as if the past is no longer relevant, both with my dad and especially with my mom, who would blow up at any negative reference to the past and immediately jump to blaming me or others and take extreme personal offense to the slightest "negative" comment. I'm currently taking a mental health leave from work to try to heal, and I'm grateful for it, but it's been a very challenging process. I feel ashamed about the fact that I'm taking it and haven't told many people, which makes me feel even more ashamed. I'm trying to finally let myself "rest," but it's proven to be very challenging, since I feel guilty when I'm not doing anything, but I also don't want to let my sense of obligation or fear (and there's a lot of it) drive my decisions. I'm trying my best to just take things slowly, one step at a time, which goes against my every instinct, but I'm doing my best. My therapist is very sweet and kind and understanding and trauma-aware and caring, but after many months of seeing her weekly, I still don't trust her, always feeling like she's going to jump out to get me at any moment, just like my mom, and I face a lot of anger and resentment towards her. She's my 5th or so try at a long term therapist, but I'm trying to be patient and let myself take things slow and take breaks with her as needed, because she feels like my best chance yet. I'm hoping to find something of a community here, people who at least at some level understand what I'm going through and can provide support, advice, a listening ear, or something else that I don't yet know I need. This will be a long journey, as I'm beginning to understand, but I'm hopeful that the arc will bend towards love, trust, acceptance, understanding, fulfillment, and happiness. I feel very sad and scared and alone right now, but I'm trying to be patient with myself and others and doing the best I can.

Thanks for reading, and nice to meet you,

~ Billy

[Rebel13]

Hi Billy, welcome!

I know what it is like to come from a family full of misbehavior. I'm very sorry you have had to go through it as well, but glad to hear you are getting support in therapy and trying to work on your feelings of mistrust and difficulty bonding stemming from what you experienced in your family.

I hope you will take some time to check out the articles in the Toolbox section of the site. There are some great explanations of dysfunctional dynamics in there, as well as strategies for protecting yourself. Likewise, the forums are full of people seeking, and finding, support for their struggles, some of which will surely be similar to yours.

You said, "There is a strong expectation to act happy and positive in conversations with family and to act as if the past is no longer relevant..." I fully understand how difficult it can be sometimes to meet this expectation, particularly when you are struggling. However, many times I have also used this as a shield to keep family members on an "information diet," knowing that telling them what I was really thinking and feeling would only end in me getting my feelings hurt. Many times it was easier to keep things superficial and light, no matter how I was feeling, and learning how to do that enabled me to stay in contact with my mom, in particular, for many years longer than I might have otherwise.

Best wishes, and please let us know how you are doing. If you have specific questions, please don't hesitate to post them in the appropriate forum.

[bloomie]

Hi, Billy! Adding another warm welcome to you. I am thankful you have reached out for insights and support as you find the best to independence and healing from the harmful behaviors of your family members.

A couple of things that came to mind while reading your intro post is how important it is to have several types of support when coming Out of the FOG. You are doing that by taking the time you need to rest, working with a therapist, and finding communities like ours where others understand the challenges you are facing. Great job in positioning yourself for the best possible outcome from your efforts!

The other thing about healing, I have found, is it is a marathon versus a sprint. It is a long road we choose to take because we do not want to be controlled by the behaviors or others and we want to the dysfunction to end with us.

Sometimes we can only barely see a few steps in the path ahead, but we stay the course and keep climbing as we build resilience, belief in ourselves, and gain clarity. In time, the way does get easier. It really does. 

Make good use of the tools here, the book recommendations, other online resources, and most of all, when you are ready, join in on the conversations taking place! And keep coming back! It helps lighten a heavy load!

[billyjoe25]

Thank you both for the welcomes and the advice. I have already looked at some of the book recommendations on the website and purchased a few of them, although I often find it hard to read them as I become very triggered and defensive as I do so, so I'm taking a bit of my own path at the moment, finding more comfort in mindfulness, relaxation, and self-kindness. Maybe eventually one of these books will be helpful to me and not poke me as much. Maybe I can change my mindset around having to act positive as being a shield instead of a hindrance, although at the moment it just feels like a blocker to me being as authentic as I can be.

[Rebel13]

Hi again Billy,

You definitely have to find what works for you! This year I've been working with a trauma-informed therapist and she's been helping me to understand how important mindfulness and self-compassion can be -- I'd never been able to figure out how to apply those ideas before.  So I'm fully on board with those as helpful tools.

I want to gently challenge a little of what you said -- I don't think you HAVE to "act positive." No one *has to* act any way, right? (Well, as long as we are following laws and our own values, I guess.) Sometimes when I frame things for myself as "choosing" it helps me be aware of what power I DO have in any given situation. I can act any way I want -- but some behaviors bring me the outcomes I'm looking for, and some don't, right? So in certain situations I choose what feels right to me to share, for the outcome that I want.

I will also note that we all act differently in different situations. We probably don't talk to our boss the way we talk to our friends. That's not "inauthentic," it's just part of being human. We all need people we can share our true thoughts and emotions with, but not everyone is trustworthy with that stuff. I have a few wonderful friends I can be myself with, lots of acquaintances for more superficial interactions, and then an "outer circle" of people who don't get to see my innermost self, either because they can't be trusted, or because it's not appropriate. We all get to decide who falls into what level of trust and what we choose to share with whom, and when.

Hang in there and keep doing what works for you!