The lady doth protest too much, methinks

[moglow]

Just whippin out a little Shakespeare today for y'all. I've run out of material - 'cept I do have this ...

Last summer brother #1 and I visited mommie dearest in rehab center, following hospital stay with medical issues that as of yet remains unnamed. We were told a variety of reasons she was there and any/all of them could have been true or a complete fabrication. Anyhoo, during said visit, she gave no indication she knew who we were, went as far as asking who we were with and specifically "what are your names." There was still not a glimmer of recognition or emotion, no interest, very dismissive overall.

Md only got a bit twitchy when my brother said we wanted to see what was going on and what she needed. There was a distinct change and snipe in her tone when she said she'd "been this way for a while and no one has done anything!" Otherwise? We were strangers and she wasn't interested on any level. The visit didn't last long.

Her text(s) to me the next day only asked the reason for the surprise visit and that "it would have been so different had we called to let her know we were coming." And she doesn't need all this stress! [You know, the stress of her children checking on her.] It's all just too much to bear. No mention of her not knowing who we were or the complete lack of emotion. On one level I get it and completely understand how her situation could contribute to confusion: She could have just woke up from a nap, been freshly medicated, all the strange new people in and out of her room since her admission, dimly lit room etc. There's any number of reasons she'd have been fuzzy but no mention of it? Seems odd.

After that day, my brothers and I played and replayed that episode, and every road led right back to the same conclusion: She knew exactly who we were. I'm not sure at what point it all came together, but she knew. There were clues like the lack of emotion [Not at all who she is, mother lives for over the top outbursts and drama]. Plus the fact that as soon as we left she called brother #2 all upset and demanding that he "fix this!"

All these months I said nothing about my/our beliefs and bit back any comment about it, until I ripped it off a few weeks ago. Imagine the shitstorm that hit when I told her in no uncertain terms that she's as good as admitted she knew who we were, that at least part of that visit was a complete fabrication on her part. I didn't cuss or call her names but I also didn't hold back.

Through her many texts and phone calls since, she reiterated that we didn't call before our visit, that we showed no concern or respect for her, and that she is the one who's hurt and disappointed. But back to my point, mother ... *you knew who we were*. You've not addressed that or even tried to explain it. Your sole focus is painting us as horrible people for not calling first. [I didn't and won't tell her that her favorite of my cousins/her niece has told me specifically that mother did it intentionally, that she didn't want us there and was upset that we showed up. But still, we're the bad guys here.]
 
It eventually devolved into accusations of me calling her a liar - I haven't. I'm fairly particular that I address actual behavior and people's words to me, not name calling or assumptions. I told her what I believe and why, repeated specifically what she's said to me. I explained why we didn't call. More hoops and questions about our motives, yet through it all she can describe the visit down to what we were wearing, how long we were there and her insistence that she was very upset when she called our brother as we left. But ... you didn't know who we were, remember? She doesn't need all this stress and aggravation, you know, the kind that ensues when you LIE TO PEOPLE!!! But the pièce de resistance? "Well what did you EXPECT me to do???" I dunno, I didn't have any expectations actually. I just never saw that one coming and was tired of pretending it's okay. It's not.

It hasn't ended well. I texted once since and asked a completely unrelated question - she immediately sniped back that she wasn't interested in talking to someone who calls their mother a liar. Okay. So I guess we're done here. Until she picks up the phone again...

[Rose1]

Very strange. I suspect a game that went wrong, or maybe not. Attention seeking?
Exfil who we did not think had a pd but was the enabler of exmil who certainly did, played this game occasionally.

He did it with me and dd (his grandchild). I believe it was to make a point that we hadn't had anything to do with him for so long he didnt recognise who we were. It backfired on him rather badly as the nursing home saw it as a further sign of dementia.

He'd done it on and off for years. He liked to play the dumb senile old man for sympathy but got caught out by various relatives occasionally.

It's still beyond me what he hoped to gain. More visits? No. Try to guilt? Most likely but that didn't work either.

Nurse told dd "you know about the dementia?" She said "but he's always been like that".
So game, guilt trip or dementia? Who knows. But it got him in the end.

[moglow]

I've wondered too - what was her goal? Punish us for not being around, not visiting, while refusing to see why that might be? Make us the bad guys somehow through massive maniplation of the situation? She must have felt pretty flat when there was no reaction, nobody cried or got upset or mad.

[bloomie]

moglow - I am cheering you on for calling this massive attempt to gaslight you and your brother out! There has been plenty of time for serious lapses in cognitive ability to present again... and strangely, it seems they have not. 

Not calling ahead seems to be the smoke screen. Makes me wonder what stories she was telling and game she may have been playing that could've been outed by you all bearing witness to it all, talking with the staff, and watching and listening to her in real time.

My own elder, who could be your mother's long lost twin, was often running a game with medical staff, caregivers, extended family members, those who were not actually in a position to know what was true and what was manipulation and distortion. She was just a little, vulnerable, befuddled elderly woman who could somehow recall with lightening speed details from a conversation that took place in 1992. 

I believe she may have been at risk of exposure because she didn't know you were coming, and when you  both arrived, quick as a bunny, she had no idea who you were... hmmm... most likely protecting her secrets. Just my two pennies.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Good job calling it out! I've been in very similar situations with my mom recently and it's so exhausting. After letting all the lies and gaslighting slide for several years, thinking I wasn't letting it bother me, I realized it really was bothering me because my body was breaking out into heart arrhythmia after every time I "let it slide." So I decided I would call all the lies and meanness out instead--NOT because I expected her to change, or even respond in any kind of humane way. Nope, nMom would lie to cover up more lies, all of which were petty and unnecessary lies to begin with. She would do the same thing you experienced and act persecuted by me pointing out her lies. She even called my boundaries (don't lie or be mean) hurtful! But even though calling out your mom's lies won't change her, it will at least prevent her from changing you. These PD parents have changed us enough already.

[moglow]

@bloomie, brother #2 (her driver/errand boy) has wondered if she can even tell the difference between truth and her lies anymore. They run together and crisscross so often it got hard to tell even from the outside. One big fat spiderweb that leans harder into the lies than anything else. He said she lies quicker than honesty no matter what the situation.

Like I told her, we mainly didn't call because that's how you see the realities of inpatient care - call ahead and staff has time to fluff and buff. Show up and you see what it's really like. Plus honestly, I don't know that I've ever called anyone before visiting like that. You know going in that you'll get what you get, but you're there to give whatever help you can.

Her insistence THAT was/we were the problem and not one word about her own behavior, the refusal to acknowledge us - I couldn't let it go without a word. She's justified it in her mind rather than owning up to how wrong it was, completely unapologetic.

@SaintBlackSheep you hit it! She's not going to change and I don't expect it. *I* have changed and she can't handle that. I'm not all pleasing and compliant anymore, stuffing it down lest I upset her majesty. I did, until I couldn't. I realize this is what caused the true distance between her and my brothers, not the abuse but her refusal to face up to anything anytime. It's always blaming others, any others.

It's the full on disrespect of others that gets me, bared in all its glory now. No one else anywhere matters to her, never has. I do know I'm glad to not be in it alone anymore, wondering wth i did and how I can fix it.

[moglow]

UPDATE:

I got a text from her this morning, she was told this week that she has cataracts. She's now Googled cataracts and if i do it might help me understand what happened with "that disturbance we had." Dude. Really??

That disturbance we had?? Her attempts to rewrite history really are laughable if it didn't just make steam shoot out my ears. She forgets she full on admitted to me that she knew who we were, described what we were wearing and that I supposedly wasn't wearing makeup OR even that she's not once (including the disturbance) mentioned any difficulty seeing.

But petty mo stepped in. I responded with scripture, John 8: 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. 😊

[TimetoHeal]

UPDATE:

But petty mo stepped in. I responded with scripture, John 8: 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. 😊

Mo, you crack me up! 

This is just another pathetic attempt at an excuse for her inexcusable behavior, but you already knew that.  Good for you in not taking the bait. 

[moglow]

You're welcome for that schnort into whatever you were eating/drinking. I try. 😎

She's not willing to get it go - she responded with: Believe what you will!!! [Of course. It's only natural that nine months after the "disturbance" you suddenly mention that you have cataracts, implying you couldn't see... ] I don't doubt the cataracts, it's the delayed delivery and "but what about this" implied excuse that are hurl-worthy. There's no changing the outcome and adding on to it only add more insult. It's done. Own it and move forward.

I did warn brother #2 that she appears to be gearing up for the next "disturbance." Just in time for mother's day in a few weeks. 🙄

[bloomie]

But petty mo stepped in. I responded with scripture, John 8: 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. 😊

Moglow - this made my day! Seems like she is looking for extra innings in this game she is playing. Game over via the gospel of John, in the King James version, no less. 

[moglow]

Thx Bloomie! This morning she accused me of using the Bible for sarcasm. That wasn't sarcasm, mommie dearest, rather pointing out the obvious Maybe it'll prompt her to pick a truth and stick to it. Silly me, I believed there's only one. It's apparently much more flexible than I imagined. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Another Bible quote: "What is truth?"

 

[1footouttadefog]

Wow.

How did she know you needed to call first if she did not know it was you? 

That alone puts the lie. 

Drama.  Maybe you were supposed to read her mind and ask about her vision so she couldn't play her sympathy card over the cataracts.

As long as she is being fed, has water, appropriate shelter and hygiene, she is doing good enough and you have no obligations. 

Live in peace.

[moglow]

@Call Me Cordelia yes! She's now sniped that she doesn't need anymore of my Bible verses, that she'll choose what she wants to read. Well all righty then: So far she's said she's not interested in my "thoughts or feelings or any of that other crap" [yes, that is a quote from one of her voice-nasties], doesn't care to hear about my life. She's also asked that I not forward her the devotionals she's previously said she enjoys, and now ... let's just say she's systematically eliminating any/all possible topics of conversation we had left. So yeah. Next time she snipes at me you can bet I'll dig for appropriate verse. I'm shoring up Mount Passive Aggressitiva and I am its queen!

@1footouttadefog

How did she know you needed to call first if she did not know it was you? 

That alone puts the lie. 

Right?? And even if she's having memories issues or what have you, would calling have helped or hindered? There's just not an answer for someone looking for a problem. Honestly I don't know that I've ever called someone in hospital/rehab to let them know I'm going to visit. All the years my grandmother was in retirement center, same. Leaves me wondering if I've been rude all these years and didn't realize.

But it's nine months later and suddenly "but wait there's more!" like a ShamWow commercial? That cataracts somehow answered all the obvious questions?? She forgets: her sole focus since that performance has been that WE were rude and disrespectful for not calling first. Not once has she indicated on any level that she couldn't see, hear, was having adverse reactions to meds, nothing. She's maintained that she doesn't need all this stress and aggravation ... you know, of having her children show up to check on her.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ok, no more stress and aggravation for you, then, mother. 

That's really really sad for her, that she's so very pointedly pushing you out of her life, that she's just doesn't have any love at all. I fear it's going to be a very lonely, empty end for her, but really she's been in that state the whole time.

[TimetoHeal]

Ok, no more stress and aggravation for you, then, mother. 

That's really really sad for her, that she's so very pointedly pushing you out of her life, that she's just doesn't have any love at all. I fear it's going to be a very lonely, empty end for her, but really she's been in that state the whole time.

Oh, gosh, this is my mother to a 'T'.  She can't handle visits because of the stress. You'd think this would be a total win for me, right?  But no, I still get the passive-aggressive text or call after a day that I "should" have visited, even though she very clearly said she did NOT want me to visit, asking, "What did you dooooooo?"      There's no winning their games because the rules keep changing. 

[FromTheSwamp]

My mom would constantly complain about how she was all alone (she was married, not alone) and how we never visited (we did) but if we actually planned a visit she'd panic and cry and try to get us not to come.

I finally concluded that she didn't want us to visit, but by god she wanted us to feel bad about it.

[Tribe16]

, I still get the passive-aggressive text or call after a day that I "should" have visited, even though she very clearly said she did NOT want me to visit, asking, "What did you dooooooo?"      There's no winning their games because the rules keep changing. 

You just reminded me of the last visit my dad made to visit me. My mom was burnt out from caregiving and needed a break. My poor Dad kept wanting to call her and then he'd catch himself and say "Mom told me NOT to call and bother her for the first few days." So I had sent her a text letting her know he arrived safely. He waited at least 3 days before he called her. Meanwhile, she was complaining to any family member who would listen (except me) how my Dad didn't even have the courtesy to call her to check in.

[moglow]

So many are masters of setting themselves -and others- up to fail. Paint yourself into a corner of your own making, then dislike the corner? You either wait for the paint to dry or take the risk of walking in wet paint. But no - let's just stand in that corner and scream that no one cares.