Mom's Silent Treatment

LycheeMangoPineapple · March 15, 2025, 05:25:02 PM

My mom will use the silent treatment on me to make me feel nervous.

For example, one time she wanted me to visit her and my dad but I didn't want to that week, so I told her an excuse, but she still stopped texting me for a bit, I guess to punish me.

Then when I did want to visit she said the weather would be too bad where she lives.

Another time, I was visiting my parents and I went on a walk in the neighborhood alone. My mom called me while on the walk asking where I was. I said I was almost home and she said she wanted to walk out and meet me and walk home with me.

However I didn't want this to happen because she never even talks to me on walks, once in a while about school, and so I knew that would just make me feel weird and awkward. I honestly don't know why she's so into trying to be around me when she never even talks to me that much or asks my opinion on things. So I told her I was already too close to home for her to meet me or whatever.

Then when I got home she was doing the silent treatment. We ate dinner in pretty much complete silence. It dawned on me how insane this is, she made me and this is how she wants to treat me.

Rebel13 · March 15, 2025, 05:37:05 PM

There's a reason why some people call this "the silent treat" instead! Sometimes it's nice to have a little break, if one can stay calm and not take the bait.

LycheeMangoPineapple · March 15, 2025, 09:51:21 PM

Quote from: Rebel13 on March 15, 2025, 05:37:05 PMThere's a reason why some people call this "the silent treat" instead! Sometimes it's nice to have a little break, if one can stay calm and not take the bait.

True

frogjumpsout · March 16, 2025, 10:38:51 AM

At the same time the st can be very very hurtful. I think I once heard someone say that it actually activates the part of the brain related to physical injury. Sorry you're being subjected just for setting reasonable boundaries, Lychee!

Rebel13 · March 16, 2025, 02:31:19 PM

It's very true! It can hurt a lot, which is why some people do it! I didn't mean to be dismissive of that. I have a lot of years of experience seeing it as the manipulative tactic it is and working to not get upset by it. However, Ingrid Clayton, PhD, talks about silent treatment as emotional abuse in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VofrCehgZQ In her great book "Believing Me" she talks about how painful and damaging it was when her stepfather was kind and chatty with her brother and stepbrother while completely ignoring her.

Hang in there LMP! I hope you find a way to help and protect yourself!

Tribe16 · March 17, 2025, 12:07:47 PM

Quote from: LycheeMangoPineapple on March 15, 2025, 05:25:02 PMMy mom will use the silent treatment on me to make me feel nervous.

LMP, the only reason people use the silent treatment is to punish, tell you that you are insignificant, show disappointment and gain your compliance, by basically emotionally torturing you. Next time she tries it, you might casually say something like, "Have you ever Googled the silent treatment? I wonder if you would continue doing it if you knew how psychologically abusive it is." And then walk away, out the door if possible. Having experienced this since I was 4 years old, I am so very sorry you are going through it.

Liketheducks · March 19, 2025, 07:13:44 AM

Ah...stone walling. My favorite.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. For me, it is the silent treat. My mother has been doing it ever since I can remember. And, then she'll get over whatever imagined slight there was and suddenly become very talkative again.

While it is incredibly hurtful, and is an enormously emotionally immature way to deal with inevitable relationship conflicts, you can't control what she does....you can only control how you deal with it. Have you heard about the Let Them theory? I've reached a point in my life where, if you're going to stone wall me, I'll let you....but don't expect to have a close relationship with me if you treat me in a way that doesn't align with how I believe I deserve to be treated.

I'm sorry you're here. Can you get to a LC or VLC situation with her? That would be enormously helpful. If that doesn't work...can you use the 180 technique? Just getting some space and time away from the chaos to find parent yourself in a kind and loving way can give such a life changing perspective.

downwiththefog · March 19, 2025, 02:49:20 PM

Quote from: Rebel13 on March 15, 2025, 05:37:05 PMThere's a reason why some people call this "the silent treat" instead! Sometimes it's nice to have a little break, if one can stay calm and not take the bait.

That's true if you have reached a managed emotional detachment, and don't give a damn the PD in your life doesn't want to communicate.
If you instead still long for some interaction and affection, the ST is painful.

Liketheducks · March 21, 2025, 07:50:28 AM

ST is indeed very painful. Though, I know I have absolutely no control over the PD's in my life....nor anyone other than myself. That acceptance comes from years and years of therapy. My mom isn't going to change. I've tried talking, suggesting therapy for us both, she is who she is. So I no longer bang my head against the wall of dysfunction and choose to prioritize and parent myself with love. When I'm in a good place, I have the energy to cope with my PD's dysfunctional coping mechanisms and have some space to deal with and distance myself from their more abusive traits.

My parents can be who they are and I can show up for them. But the ways I show up are no longer fed by FOG and no longer enmeshed...as I was taught was the way it should be. I don't have to take on the emotional chaos of the people around me. In fact, I need to re-ground myself after those interactions.

I liken it to this.....if you've ever spent any amount of time with a therapist, they go through some kind of ritual between clients. They take care of themselves and whatever the session brings up for them. They have boundaries for their sessions, etc. I was fascinated by how a therapist can have some space to hold for the people they treat without absorbing and taking on all the pain expressed in a session. Going up in a family with PD's....I think we're trained to take on everything as our problem to fix. Or, at least I was brought up to fix my PD's emotions, fix their relationship problems, validate them, etc.

It is ok to love a PD. I absolutely love my parents and sibling....though I'm going to love myself best first. For me, it is the only way I can be there for them without 100% cutting them off. And, I'm not going to sugar coat it....it requires a lot of effort.