How do you handle when accused of lacking empathy?

[Ingwer]

Hello community,

Allow me to share my experience and seek advice/suggestions in this space.

Background: I (female) am married to a husband whose past therapists said to possibly have compound PD (e.g., vulnerable NPD). In the couple of years of marriage, I've seen his anti-social traits as well.
Because of my residency rights relying on our marriage, financial challenges, health conditions, and the situation in my home country, I cannot easily break up with him and find a safe place to stay.

What happened: He went out on his own and called me saying someone attacked him. He was on a bike and 'alerted' a dog owner with his dog on the bike lane. Someone witnessed it, and this person chased my husband by car, stopped him, and slapped him in the face. I asked my husband how he was, the situation, etc., to show care and compassion. But I knew he was probably aggressive to this dog owner —as he often is— and it might've infuriated the witness.

When he came home, I asked how he 'alerted' the dog owner. Because it'd impact how I'd really feel about this event. According to him, he yelled at the dog owner, saying if they don't move out of the lane, he'd run over the dog." It's a verbal threat and prohibited in the local law.

I clarified I do NOT validate the behaviour of the dog owner, the witness who hit my husband, nor himself.

He insisted he is the victim as he didn't 'physically attack' anyone. Then accused me that I didn't ask him how he was when he came back and asked his behaviour (i.e., how he communicated with the dog owner). "You have a problem."

I had told him not to yell at people countless times, and he doesn't hold himself accountable for the lack of self-regulation. (He says he doesn't want to yell at people, but he can't help it.) I couldn't possibly feel empathetic about him at this point.

My question: How do/would you handle the situation when you can't empathise with your partner because of their unacceptable behaviours AND they attack you saying you have an issue (e.g., cold-hearted)?

Thank you for reading.

With solidarity,
Ingwer

[square]

Hey there,

I've certainly been yelled at for "not being on my husband's side" if I gave anything less than a vehement defense of my husband and his actions in a given situation.

I think there are two things to consider.

One is the use of Medium Chill. In this case you say things like "gosh, how awful" and "I see" but you don't throw your heart into it or get upset or drawn into the drama.

He may be satisfied with that and you can let him prattle on without you yourself getting emotionally invested.

He may sense your detachment and peck at you, but if you can keep calm, there's not much he can do since you are being perfectfully reasonable and supportive.

You can give up on him seeing his own accountability in this situation. Unless he's 16 years old, if he was going to have a lightbulb moment, he would have had it by now.

The other consideration, and it's not easy but you can work toward this mindset, is to stop taking his accusations seriously. So he says you have no empathy. I assume you've checked yourself abd made sure you in fact show reasonable empathy where appropriate and it's his NPD speaking. So, fine. Let it roll off. You're not going to convince him otherwise, so let him have his opinion and don't worry about it.

This could also fall under the no JADE strategy, where you don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. He can say "you have no empathy at all!"  and you can just let that comment pass or say "sorry you feel that way" or "oh"or "I'll have to think about that." And just don't take it on board. 

[Ingwer]

Hi square,

Thank you so much for your advice, and my apologies for the late response.

It's extremely challenging to prioritise strategies over authenticity as well as deal with the fear of him potentially complaining about me within our social circle. He can be intimidating or sarcastic if people don't agree with or challenge him, so people may show vague response which he'd interpret as agreement. (We live in a small, gossipy place.)

We're expecting a couple therapy session —my husband thinks he's doing it for me— next week, and I'm unsure how much I could share there to still keep myself safe.

Sharing my experience and feelings here seemed the safest at that point, and I appreciate your support. 

[bloomie]

Ingwer - keeping space around ourselves as separate, individual humans within a marriage is a challenge under the best of circumstances, but when we are married - linked to - someone who is not able to see his contribution to an ugly encounter it is vital that we do hold steady.

Mantras are helpful in these types of moments I have found: I didn't cause it, I can't change it, and I can't control it... The 3 C's redirects my level of engagement in something like this.

If I come from that starting gate position I can use the medium chill method square suggests AND I can remind myself that what another person says about me is 100% their responsibility and my responses to them are best served if they are sincere and not aimed at tryin to avoid them speaking ill of me to others.

If my husband speaks ill of me to a friend group that is a sign of the content of HIS character, not mine. Not easy to find that space in the midst of this, but I can admit, not proudly, the threat of being gossiped about and misjudged in a group of people I care about by someone I have been loyal and loving to, has been the catalyst for me fawning or attempting to mitigate the risk - which for me, is not healthy or loving toward myself or others.

How are things going with all of this?

[Ingwer]

Hi bloomie,

I feel your empathy seeping into my heart. Thank you for sharing your experience and advice.

I've been trying to focus on working towards independence, which would serve me no matter how our marriage turns out. It's kind of my mantra; not looking at him, not us, but myself.

As square and you suggested, I'm using medium chill though I still share my personal information primarily because I still need a lot of help.

Our couple therapy session is coming up, and my husband finally made an appointment with a psychiatrist about the antidepressant of which side effect has been making him more irritable. I'm hoping the psychiatrist will pick up on his PD traits and take it seriously.

[bloomie]

Ingwer - those are important and determined steps you are taking toward independence and using tools to handle difficult and challenging traits you encounter with your H.

I am hoping for both of you that this appointment with a psychiatrist will offer further insights and help for your H that will ease things in your home!

[Ingwer]

Thank you bloomie. Your validation and wishes mean a lot. 

[MaxedOut]

To echo what others say I found the most effective approach to basically be medium chill and not probing or offering or feeling the need to understand what actually happened unless it directly effects me. And to offer empathy without validating - "You were chased by a car? That sounds scary! It's not ok to slap anyone. How are you feeling now?"

Usually leaning in on empathy and letting her get some of the feelings out lessened the need for her to have/ensure 100% matched world view. Us non-PDs see conversations about why others did things often as helpful. PDs typically see that as an attack on them or allegiance to the other person. It doesn't bring them around to more clarity usually; now that person is terrible and so are you.

If specifically cornered for an answer I would assess sort of grey rock responses, maybe try directing back to empathy/supporting better behaviors "I am just happy you are ok. There are some scary people out there. I am glad you didn't hit back-who knows what might have happened." Or deflecting questions about something else. If pressed, maybe "It sounds really confusing to me - a lot happened. I know it's never ok to come after someone with a car, especially when they're on foot or a bike and it's not ok to come up to a stranger and slap them, regardless of what happened."

About venting to others... Many will take that stuff with a grain of salt due to their own experiences getting painted negatively by your SO, the conflicting stuff the SO may say when more idealizing, and their first-hand knowledge of you. As an extrovert, I've come to really appreciate how actions speak louder than words and to trust others can see my steadiness and character. If they accept the criticism unexamined then they were probably really the SO's people anyway. The mental mantra "It's none of my business what other people think about me" has been a good one for me. Small gossipy communities suck for how fast stuff spreads but also probably means people have a mental file of the sorts of stuff that seems to be slopped out by a PD and the steadier history of the non-PD in mind.

[Ingwer]

Hi MaxedOut,

Thank you for your message. Your description of how people with PD might see the situation sounds pretty accurate for our case. He sees himself as a victim, and anyone who doesn't 100% agree is wrong.

Like you, I'm a believer of the idea 'actions speak louder than words'. My husband said at the couple therapy that he wants to be able to deal things without being violent or aggressive. I hope he'll get to really learn.

I think I fail to use the conflict navigation tools I have because of the pent-up anger I have towards him. "Why doesn't he ever understand?" "Why again?" This means I need to focus on my healing, too.

[notrightinthehead]

It's definitely wise to focus on your own healing first and foremost.

[Ingwer]

Hi notrightinthehead,

It requires constant reminder as we, partners of people with PD, tend to prioritise others' needs over ours. My therapist would tell me to bring back the focus to myself. After all, it's not only a process of healing but of personal growth.