“I think I understand you” voicemail - help me decipher

Pinkos · March 16, 2025, 06:03:58 PM

I received a strange voicemail today from a cousin saying that it's been a long time and she thinks she understands me and wants to get together for coffee and talk. And she loves me.

It's discomfited me all day and I just want to process, I guess. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

I haven't spoken to this cousin in 10 years. I don't have fond memories. In fact I only saw her at family gatherings at her parents house where she also resides. She's in her late 50s now. I'm early 40s.

Her attitude towards me has been disinterested at best and caustic at times. Last time I saw her, she tagged along on a dinner with another family member and told me I needed to stop "isolating" and make more of an effort to reach out. That the family cares but everyone is busy.

I immediately felt panicked when I saw her name pop up. Then I hear the vm and momentarily thought 'oh maybe she got therapy and finally gets it!" I had a weird fantasy moment about how we would catch up and get closer with time.

Then, I kept replaying "I think I understand you." And I kept replaying one of the last times I saw her when I ran into her at Zara with her daughter. And she was so rude to me and wouldn't even speak to me. I felt so confused and uncomfortable. You would think we barely knew each other. Her family has been very close (enmeshed) with mine since I was a baby. I'm the scapegoat, the loser, the uncool one, the one that they don't have to make an effort for. And she's definitely played into that. Lots of passive aggressive comments towards me and subtle criticisms every time I would visit. And of course lots of guilt trips about how I wasn't making enough effort to visit. Ten years ago I stopped trying with everyone including my parents, siblings and this side of the extended family. I had had enough! And never heard anything from this cousin until now.

She thinks she understands me??? We never chatted on the phone before let alone got together for coffee. She acted like she saw an alien at Zara. 10 years of no contact later and she understands me & we need to talk and get coffee???

Are these people for real?

walking on broken glass · March 17, 2025, 06:51:32 AM

I am really sorry Pinkos. It sounds like she is trying to bait you to get in touch, who knows for what reason. Based on your previous interactions with her, I would predict that not much good will come out of getting in touch with her. Even if she had some sort of illumination that made her drastically change her views and regret her behaviour, I would expect her to explain this all to you in detail and clarity, before she asked for a meeting. Her voicemail sounds to me rather patronizing instead of affectionate. You could block her.

treesgrowslowly · March 17, 2025, 07:51:45 AM

Hi Pinkos,

To me what you describe just sounds like someone who has run out of people and is looking for new sources of supply. I'd bet good money that she's probably done a discard (and therefore, lost a source of supply) in the last 6 months and is seeking new supply - from one of her long lost relatives. She figures why not try with you? If you're in the fog, her tactics will work and voila, she'll have some new supply for a while. I've seen that over and over.

Here's the test for this stuff. If they "truly" understand, then they will still "understand" in 6 months. If someone has truly become aware and now understands what is going on with you, they will still be aware and thoughtful 6 months from now. If they really get how you feel, what you've been through, and what they would need to do, to be a good friend to you, they will still know all of that in 6 months. Which means you can gently let them 'be' for a while, and see if they truly "understand" anything or not.

Because 99% of the time, they don't understand sh%$. This "I get it now, please let me back into your life" message from them, it is just a classic hoover tactic, designed to see if you can be pulled in, to give them supply.

If they really got out of their immature behaviours then they would understand that you would need to see this, in their behaviours, over time. One text one email one phone message, does not a mature person make.

I've had this test with the people in my life who try to tell me they get it and they now understand. I've said to myself, well if they really get what I've been through, they'll know why it is so important for us to go slowly, and at my pace, for re-building a friendship or relationship with them. And so far, none of the people who tell me they now "get it" are real about any it. They resort to their tantrum as soon as they are put to the test, and asked to be patient with me. So then what do they "understand"? Nothing. Real repairs are done slowly and thoughtfully. And if they don't get that - then there's the failed test.

When they demand that we accept them on their terms, that is how they tip their hand with this particular hoover. If they really did get it, they'd understand your need for choices, and they would not rush to say they love us, because they would put themselves in our shoes. And not put demands on us anymore. That is what they always fail to 'get', is that they have to learn how to stop putting demands on us (i.e. making us act out of FOG!!).

Not being in touch, not treating you well, and then leaving a message saying I love you is actually a red flag that this person probably still uses fear, obligation and guilt to try to get others to act.

If she really has grown up, then that is something you'd see in her behaviours over time. Why would we let people like this into our lives without making sure they really have learned how to treat us? That is on them to figure out. And so far what I've seen is that none of the people who sent me these "I get it now" emails, have actually learned anything. It is all just a hoover attempt.

Trees

walking on broken glass · March 17, 2025, 09:04:15 AM

All of that

Pinkos · March 17, 2025, 10:25:34 AM

You both nailed it! Thank you for pulling me Out of the FOG!

Trees - wow! I needed to read that. Thank you for taking the time to lay it out that way.

The "I understand you" comment was indeed patronizing, Walking.

She wants something. And it has nothing to do with caring about me or trying to rebuild a connection with me. She has always related to me though I was just insignificant. She's been rude and withholding. It didn't surprise me that she never reached out to me when I distanced myself from her family - it would be too lowering for her to make that effort. So the idea that after 10 years I deserved a more detailed explanation of what exactly she means by "I understand" never even occurred to me. That already says a lot about our dynamic.

There were problems in her sibling group 10 years ago. A couple of her siblings were angry with her & had been somewhat estranged from her. Who knows how that's progressed over the years. It wouldn't surprise me if she's been completely iced out by everyone except her parents at this point and is trying to force some kind of team with me.

I was so caught off guard by how she sounded. Like she was holding back tears. It was so disorienting. She's never left me a voicemail in my life. She barely replied to texts. Again, just incredibly rude and patronizing always. And now a voicemail that sounded like her voice was breaking and saying how she loves me. It doesn't ADD up! No, ma'am!

Trees, you're absolutely correct. She's making a demand. The demand is for me to step into my caretaking role and give a damn. When she has never given a damn about me! That's what threw me into the FOG. Her tone and the "I love you." I had a reflexive and panicked response of 'I am obligated to care.' 'I am being called to duty.' Smh. They know exactly how to elicit that kind of reflex. I am the one who's been discarded and now she comes to me after 10 years to make a demand of my energy and attention with no explanation? We haven't even spoken on the phone but I'm supposed to stand at attention and go have coffee now that she's flagged me down??

Pinkos · March 18, 2025, 07:25:05 AM

So it just occurred to me what this may be about.

Last month I got a text from my second cousin that she's getting married and asking me to send her my address for the invite. This is "I think I understand you's" niece. She also lives in my city and we've had a couple of awkward run ins. She's similarly been disinterested in me in the past so I didn't even bother responding to her text. She doesn't care one iota if I come or not. I figured her parents are the ones who asked her to do it.

I'm guessing now they (incl my parents) are gonna push for me to come to this wedding. It's been 20 years since the last wedding in the family so I think this is the grand family event for me to "reconcile" with everyone and go back to the way things were. *sigh*

I've blocked everyone on my phone now because I don't want to get sucked into anxiety everytime they reach out. But now I'm wondering if I need to respond to the bride to be and just say no I'm not coming, congratulations, thanks for the invite. I didn't reply because I felt like her parents were just triangulating her and it annoyed me, and frankly I'm tired of feeling like I have to be polite even when I know how this family operates. She knows and they know I haven't wanted to do anything with them for 10 years why tf would I come to her wedding? To me the invite trivializes the estrangement and mocks me. I realize to them there's no real problem here, I'm just trying to control and manipulate them. Ugh. And they're being so patient by inviting me to come and make up with everyone. Giving me a way in.

But now I'm wondering if I'm enabling the potential harassment if I keep silent. I don't know for sure if that's what this is about, obviously, but I can't imagine why else this cousin would reach out after 10 years. She will def be the wedding planning committee president.

walking on broken glass · March 18, 2025, 09:21:34 AM

Hi Pinkos,
I don't think it really makes a difference whether you reply to say "I am not coming" or simply not replying at all. Silence on your part shows that you are not interested in attending and they should get the message. You don't owe them politeness and civility, when they haven't given you any. And certainly, nothing that you do on your end will change their disordered thinking. In their heads, they can use your silence to claim that you are rude or disrespectful, but they would do that with any other given opportunity, because this is who they are and how they think. Replying to a message will not change anything.

I am saying these things also for my benefit, because quite often I hold on to the illusion of control ('if I do this, perhaps they will be more sympathetic' etc.) It's not about having the high moral ground. We have had it for years and they still behaved badly. You did very well by blocking everyone. Enjoy your peace!

Pinkos · March 18, 2025, 10:46:26 AM

Thank you, Walking. It IS an illusion. Ugh. I guess hope springs eternal. It's the constant internal pressure even after years of NC that I have to explain myself. I have to justify myself.

That's why I never replied to the wedding invite. I felt like why do I have to be polite and civil to people who are rude and indifferent to me. There is no curiosity or interest in my life or perspective. They literally have no interest in why I'm estranged. It's trivial to them. And now here's this demand to engage so that I can show up to this wedding (I suspect) and put up a facade for relatives/friends. That's all they care about.

Call Me Cordelia · March 18, 2025, 12:32:01 PM

Oh gosh. Even if the prodigal were to return... it shouldn't be at someone else's wedding! I'm sure the person marrying into the family would love that drama.

Rebel13 · March 18, 2025, 02:28:24 PM

Quote from: Pinkos on March 18, 2025, 10:46:26 AMAnd now here's this demand to engage so that I can show up to this wedding (I suspect) and put up a facade for relatives/friends. That's all they care about.

Don't forget the part where they hope you'll bring a nice gift!!! LOL, well done protecting yourself from their hoovering nonsense.

Pinkos · March 19, 2025, 10:10:16 AM

Oh yes! Not only a gift but I'd be voluntold to take up some task and help out the day of. I couldn't just expect to come and be a guest. Nope.

This reminds me of the disastrous therapy sessions about 7 years ago with my immediate family. I fell for the hoovering email from my sister who said they wanted to work on our issues so we can become a family again. I was skeptical of course but I gave in when they persisted. Boy what an ambush. Everything was blamed on me and I was basically told I was just angry and withdrawing and their response to that is a big "F U." They brought up a whole bunch of trivial things that I was "guilty" of, which apparently made me unworthy of any effort from them. Everything was twisted to make me sound like some mean, angry, impossible person to deal with. That's how my brother started the first session and he was never corrected by my parents. It was clear I was expected to apologize to them.

And guess what? They sent me a bill for my share of the sessions! Yep! I had to pay to be ambushed. Afterwards I realized it was all a ploy to get me to come visit them in their city, which I thankfully opted out of. I joined by phone but ended up paying for 2 sessions before they unilaterally decided to stop the sessions with no heads up to me.

OverHere · March 28, 2025, 03:27:35 PM

Trees, I like your post so much, I'd like to see it pinned somewhere, thank you

Quote from: treesgrowslowly on March 17, 2025, 07:51:45 AMHi Pinkos,

To me what you describe just sounds like someone who has run out of people and is looking for new sources of supply. I'd bet good money that she's probably done a discard (and therefore, lost a source of supply) in the last 6 months and is seeking new supply - from one of her long lost relatives. She figures why not try with you? If you're in the fog, her tactics will work and voila, she'll have some new supply for a while. I've seen that over and over.

Here's the test for this stuff. If they "truly" understand, then they will still "understand" in 6 months. If someone has truly become aware and now understands what is going on with you, they will still be aware and thoughtful 6 months from now. If they really get how you feel, what you've been through, and what they would need to do, to be a good friend to you, they will still know all of that in 6 months. Which means you can gently let them 'be' for a while, and see if they truly "understand" anything or not.

Because 99% of the time, they don't understand sh%$. This "I get it now, please let me back into your life" message from them, it is just a classic hoover tactic, designed to see if you can be pulled in, to give them supply.

If they really got out of their immature behaviours then they would understand that you would need to see this, in their behaviours, over time. One text one email one phone message, does not a mature person make.

I've had this test with the people in my life who try to tell me they get it and they now understand. I've said to myself, well if they really get what I've been through, they'll know why it is so important for us to go slowly, and at my pace, for re-building a friendship or relationship with them. And so far, none of the people who tell me they now "get it" are real about any it. They resort to their tantrum as soon as they are put to the test, and asked to be patient with me. So then what do they "understand"? Nothing. Real repairs are done slowly and thoughtfully. And if they don't get that - then there's the failed test.

When they demand that we accept them on their terms, that is how they tip their hand with this particular hoover. If they really did get it, they'd understand your need for choices, and they would not rush to say they love us, because they would put themselves in our shoes. And not put demands on us anymore. That is what they always fail to 'get', is that they have to learn how to stop putting demands on us (i.e. making us act out of FOG!!).

Not being in touch, not treating you well, and then leaving a message saying I love you is actually a red flag that this person probably still uses fear, obligation and guilt to try to get others to act.

If she really has grown up, then that is something you'd see in her behaviours over time. Why would we let people like this into our lives without making sure they really have learned how to treat us? That is on them to figure out. And so far what I've seen is that none of the people who sent me these "I get it now" emails, have actually learned anything. It is all just a hoover attempt.

Trees