Need advice - Dating again and it's getting serious

[JustKeepTrying]

Hello everyone - It has been awhile since I have been here. Life has been tough since I paused my travel to support my son as he heals and begins college again. In many ways it has been good to reconnect with family and really work on the relationship with my son. In others, it has been brutally hard to forgo my dreams as I watch time tick by (stage IV cancer/remission)

I am dating. In a serious monogamous relationship with college professor who has been divorce for 15 years. I was married for 32 and divorced now for five. We live at a distance - close to two hours with traffic - and see each other about once a month. We have vacationed together and spend most of his breaks together. He has met my son but no one else. I have not met any of his family or friends. Mostly because we meet in the middle and camp together - although I have spent many weekends at his place. It has been 18 months and we are beginning to talk long term plans as he faces retirement in a few years. There is no pressure from him and with our age, I feel no need to rush. He is aware of my past abuse and trauma as I have had a few minor PTSD seizures in front of him and he has seen the significant scars from the surgeries (my leg is mostly titanium.)

I am not questioning whether he is a narcissist. I am questioning myself. Whether I am capable of taking this relationship further. Whether I am capable of making good decisions. All the abuse and trauma still lingers and I try daily to shake it but it is my self confidence in making decision that has really shook me. I try to rely on myself and that has a great reward but I am fully aware that what I went through has altered my mind - how can it not after more than 30 years of daily gaslighting and physical abuse? R&pe and fraud and so much. I just doubt myself and if I can make decisions.

So that is the advice I am seeking. Self confidence - knowing I am okay enough to move forward. Or do I go it alone as I will probably never be fully healed. I am in therapy and she is just amazed at how well I am doing and how brave I am. Inside though, I am quaking mess waiting to mess up. Not sure if I am thinking all of this through and if there is a possiblity of someone with all this history finding love again.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi, just keep trying! This sounds like really good news! It is great you found someone you can be yourself with.
I believe that these fears will probably always be there because of your past. I think it is healthy to notice them and verbalize them, but I don't think they should stop you from moving forward. You have been with this person for some time now, you clearly enjoy his company and you feel safe with him. Yes, it is possible to find love again! Going into this with a very clear vision, fully aware of your fears and doubts, and with no delusions about the other person, that's, in my book, a good recipe for success.

[Prototypian]

I think your fears and concerns are 100 percent valid specifically because you have suffered trauma.   I'm not telling you that your fears are valid because you should watch out for this person you know potentially hurting you.   You're not looking for the bad in people, you are wary because you have been hurt.  It only takes a kid burning their feet momentarily on hot pavement when little and getting out of the pool to learn how to be wary.   If there were still saber toothed tigers stalking us we would undoubtedly have good internal alert systems for big cat attacks.  We also don't have any way to stop our memories of experiences while we are alive.  You are a special you because of everything you are and for good or bad that includes trauma.   If you are trusting this person slowly and they are accepting your slow trust and you co time to enjoy their company then let the relationship grow.   

I will editorially give advice and say that you should not stop getting help if the trauma prevents you from ever trusting someone with good intentions and an open heart for your well being.   I'm saying that because as a person you deserve to be able to have that trust and if you are still broken because of it then help is also something you deserve.   As for the other person, if they support you, understand and care about you through your healing and you like and enjoy their place in your life then I would say that their intentions are good and they should continue to be special to you and letting that guard down is a good thing to do with earned trust.

 

[SonofThunder]

JKT hello! Great to hear from you and glad to read you are doing well and enjoying a new relationship. 

You wrote:

"...if there is a possibility of someone with all this history finding love again."

Regarding myself, I first had to define the meaning of the term 'love'. Married for three decades to a PD, do I understand what love means in relation to a life-partner? 

As a parent, I believe I understand love in the context of the give and receive with my adult children, but have I experienced it before with my PD spouse of three decades?  Imo the two types of relationships (parent vs spouse) are very different, yet some aspects of the definition of love would surely apply to both. 

I believe that motive is everything and so much in the relationship with my spouse was not only conditional, but used as a tool to gain (at my emotional expense) on my providing of love.

Therefore to your comment, if you are comfortable with your understanding and definition of the term 'love' and recognize that what you are now experiencing is healthy and real with regard to motive, then my opinion is a yes.  Otherwise, my opinion is that making a commitment without being fully grounded in your understanding of the term or having spent enough time with a person to witness motive in many types of relationship experiences, then that could be a reason to continue dating for a while vs a commitment.

Wishing you all the best,

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's good to hear from you, JKT, and hear your good news.  You have gotten further than I have with this issue.

There are so many possible scenarios with "moving forward" from inching a tiny bit closer to jumping into full commitment.  It's wonderful he is not pressuring you.  Do you know what it is that is bringing up this feeling of needing to decide right now?  Or what is triggering the self-doubt that wasn't so strong in the months you spent with him before? Maybe there's something that can be done to get you back on comfortable ground without having to think about leaving the relationship.

I wish you clarity in finding what will bring the most happiness and love to you.  You deserve it!

[treesgrowslowly]

People can support our healing by learning what it is that would support our healing. None of us here should rush any of our healing work. If you need some time to feel more confident in yourself, then you can ask for that. And see if that other person can understand this or not. A lot of healing can happen when other people offer us understanding and patience.

Trees

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. As an update, I am pushing any plans back a couple of years. I am beyond child bearing age and beyond the need for modern social convention, so this internal push I felt is probably artificial on my part. We talked and perhaps it is in our future but there is no rush towards anything and I can step back and just enjoy him. And this time. Take my time and if and when it does happen that we take another step towards entangling our lives, I will think about it then. In the meantime, this girl is just going to have fun.

[walking on broken glass]

That's so great, Just Keep Trying! I am so happy for you, that you made a decision that does justice to your feelings and your situation, without being pressured. Here's to lots of fun times ahead!  

[TimetoHeal]

Your update is so encouraging!  It gives me hope.

Though I haven't found it myself yet, I absolutely believe that those of us with trauma and a history of bad relationships can be healed and find love again.  We should not have to live the rest of our lives in fear and shame.  You have obviously done so much work, and have not just "jumped" into something trying to drown your pain.

Going slow, taking your time, one step at a time, and having fun is the way to go!  What is the rush?

Just a thought, since I have been in long-distance relationships myself, I would encourage you before making a big decision such as marriage or living together, to actually live in the same city for a while first. Being with someone all the time can be a big difference from "meeting in the middle" for fun times.  I got this advice from a book I read some years ago, so I can't take credit for it, but it has stuck with me because it was so spot on. 

For now, you keep having fun, girl!