You Think You've Acheived Some Calm....

[MaxedOut]

Oof, today was rough and a real mirror on how spotty/nascent recovery work is. I still have a joint main banking account with stbxubpdw . We have been no contact for several weeks which has helped my calm tremendously. There was an unexpected issue today with serious fraud activity (thankfully nothing stolen but an outside account established full linkage). I called the bank to find out more and let them know the alert they sent may in fact be about fraudulent activity. While on the phone they said there was enough indication from me that it was not legit that they were legally obligated to close or freeze the account (and wouldn't be able to unfreeze it as SO has moved, also something that has helped my calm).

Knowing this is 100% something she would have had a meltdown about when we were together and even more of one after seperating had me in a total panic the whole day into tonight. The nervous sytem is well trained to scramble to fix, feel impending doom, play the tapes on the blame, anger, commands, vent outs. It didn't matter that I didn't cause it and was being responsible and fast in taking the next steps. I knew that since the accounts are also lkely part of an unequal distribution whe probably lept to and is convinced I'm trying to do something shady and will be angry at me for every inconvenience this causes.

It's this really awful trapped, escape drive, fear of how much "trouble I'll be in," gaming out reactions/strategies.

I literally am the person at work known for calm and sound thinking under pressure when the stakes are tremendously higher than this and there is a very real clock counting down and with hours or minutes to get tricky shit sovled. I mentor our younger staff on how to handle stuff. I was a mess today and it bled into work both in terms of hours spent playing cleanup on this whole thing and wasting a chunk of time trying to resolve an issue because I didn't step back to assess a few assumptions first.

It feels like a major set-back in how I think I am doing. But it made me realize, a fair amount if handing things better is knowing they are coming and being able to prep. Or when it was unexpected rages/abusive stuff by text, simply not engaging and giving myself time to recenter. The double whammy of needing to act real-time and something unexpected and having it right in the overlap of things that would always have caused a lot of suffering and things that will cause conviction I am trying to screw her over right in the middle of divorce agreement negotiations, just made it all crumble down.

[square]

UGH.

You definitely did not need that.

I can really relate to "playing the tapes," yup.

Also to "gaming the strategy."

And yeah, it's hard to feel like a wreck when you've spent your life being the calm, competent one. Don't worry, you still are. I don't care who you are, you cannot live with years of that and not get hijacked.

"Feel free to call the bank if you're concerned I somehow did this."

"And how would you have handled it?"

"What exactly should I have done differently?"

Just saying these as perspective-changers because it's too easy to get mired in their framing.

[MaxedOut]

Thanks, Square. The sibling who is helping my ex out was available fairly quickly and gave permissions and we sorted stuff out. Which was part of why I did not really realize how turbulent the waters were. I had support/assistance from someone who knows it was jsut a crappy thing to deal with. And the sibling is the one in communication. I think part of this is worry over any influence in divorce agreement procedings. It would not have thrown me nearly as much if it happened after that gets settled. Which should be soon.

I like the perspective/frame changers. I think I almost need self-directed ones perhaps moreson. "I didn't do anything wrong." "I handled this competently and quickly." "I handled it with consent from her rep and in alignment with guidance on seperation and finances." "I may feel echoes of dealing with handling her emotional state, but now I can focus on me and this is an unfortunate thing but not any sort of crisis. We caught it in time." "Soon there will not be this type of entanglement - hang in there, it's just a little longer." "You found out some important stuff about what still sends your nervous system and mind running - next time you'll have the self-awareness quicker and probably be able to approach things better."

[square]

We get so used to the conflict that it feels odd when people act normally.

I remember one time DD and I went to an event with another parent and teen. The other parent was driving and got a little bit lost briefly. This is a huge conflict point for my H, who will yell at and blame me. I had a rush of feelings when the other parent just... said calmly, "damn, I seem to have missed the road. I guess I'll turn around here." And then found the right road. I felt anxiety, huge relief, and then frustration that it couldn't always be that easy. It should be that easy.

Glad you have a buffer in between you two now.

Wow, it's great those self directed perspectives work for you. I think you are well ahead of me on that. I'd hear my H shoot those down in my head. But they are great and healthy examples of self talk.