She is dying

[Juju]

Partner and I had a fight tonight I am thinking about going to see my sister in law (not in my city) because she is in the hospital dying and probably will not come out again.  My Partner is upset because I may go to see her, he says "I think you should see people when they are alive not dying" and I said well "maybe thats what you do but I would like to see her", he said "well why "because she has been so good to you" I guess we have had a few issues but I have known her for 45 years!! She was my dead husbands oldest sister, I told him OK if you don't want me to go I won't then (Iguess to make him feel guilty) the he said "I don't care if you go"! Clearly he does I feel conflicted she was against my new partner and I (because I was married to her brother for 34 years) but she came around and I have had a very congenial relationship with her since my husband died (10 years ago).  My partner is such a opinioned person what should I do.

[Deby64]

Juju,
I can relate to the confusion in your mind and heart. For me, I'd go because you feel led to do so. Your partner will most likely bring it up again in some negative way that you went. Don't respond, you did what you felt led to do. It's you right. Don't allow him to violate your personal boundaries.

[Juju]

thank you

[MaxedOut]

Yes, go.

"I've made my decision. This is important to me."

After years of JADE issues and demands and the expectation that I think like and perceive situations identically, I was surprised how effective a gentle but firm "I've made my decision." or "I appreciate your perspective. I have decided to ...." or similar can be.

Part two is anticipating and planning responses for the "random" events that suddenly unfold right prior or during such things and have some sort of expectation or heart string pull on me to abandon the thing. These actually were better when something was of the firm decision side rather than litigating whether I should, but still happened.

Those typically are double binds, where the PD doesn't want to be blamed for you not doing the things (and sometimes doesn't really want you not to do things that are important to you but gets lost in the emotional reactivity). So a good way of seeing things is "they will be unhappy and critical either way, so I might as well choose the option that supports __________ (taking care of myself, doing things I like, followig my own values, treating others how I want to be treated, etc.)"

[Juju]

beautifully said and a perspective that makes sense with his perspective on things that I don't understand.  He keeps saying you make decisions without telling me.  Frustrating for me because even if I tell him I am thinking of doing something he accuses me of not discussing it with him when I make the final plan!  The reason I do this is because my partner will not go anywhere with me or do anything with me due to anxiety problems and unfortunately this is the way he has and still lives he life, he simply says he wants to be included even if he doesn't come with me. I have to make plans with family or friends as he will not go anywhere with me that is beyond his bubble.

[MaxedOut]

It seems like you do tell him your decisions. He just wants you to not make decisions without his agreement. Decisions for things that are about you, and your time and needs. Not, say, about what colors to paint the living room you share.

If he genuinely believes you in seeing people when they are alive and have a history of just being kind and supporting, good for him. He knows what his feelings are about visiting. Except it sounds like he doesn't actually do that? Would be interesting to say, "That sounds like you have a good sense of what matters to you, would you want to plan a visit to see _______ (person fitting that description)." I am guessing you already know the answer to that.

And had you made plans to visit the aunt when she was well, do you think he wouldn't have been enthusiastic about it? That was a big learning point for me; I paid way too much attention to the words or logic and premise of these types of discussion.

I instead started thinking about them as emotionally driven. Realized there often wasn't a right answer or time. And if there was some alternative scenario like he is implying here, that the result would probably be the same emotion, just different words.

Genuine and good faith desires of being included even if he's not going might look something like chatting about what else you might want to do traveling, whether you might want to speak at the funeral, etc. The other piece of challenging the PD need for mirrored perceptions and thinking is encouraging/accepting whatever they base their decisions on (that don't really affect you). I think we become enculturation into also discussing their stuff in a way that bleeds too far into things.

[bloomie]

Juju - this sounds like a long and valued relationship and someone your visit would bring comfort and a time of encouragement to. It is lovely that you would want to see your sil as she faces her final days. You seem to be able to see the totality of the relationship and what it has meant to you that goes beyond what sounds like a rough patch.

I have had to learn that there are "me" decisions and "us" decisions in relationships. Me traveling to spend time with a loved one that does not have a relationship with my H is one I would make for myself. Would I take into account timing and be thoughtful in planning and communicating my plans, yes I would, but I would view this as my decision to make. I wouldn't be looking for consensus about something like this.

[MaxedOut]

This is a you decision and it seems like you are considering what you want thoughtfully. And that on its own is a significant point. It doesn't sound like you are wresting with a feeling of obligation to visit when you don't really want to go (good job on that!). Your spouse is both feeling he has a right to have a say in this decision and is also partly seeing it as about the aunt, about whether the aunt "deserves" a visit. Especially at end of life, that is a pretty toxic take; as long as she would welcome a visit, this should be about what you want and feel meets your needs short- and long-term in a situation where there are no "do overs."