NC but they will not leave me alone - what to do?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am NC with my sister but unfortunately, we live in neighboring towns. She keeps approaching me in public places. She has two adult children who also live nearby, and for the first time ever, last night her son approached me in the same manner his mother does.

Why won't they leave me alone?   

I go back to my parents and think they created a monster that lives and breathes. They created it in their older daughter and in family dynamics.   

I went NC with this sibling seven years ago. I felt freedom I never knew possible. Not having my sister in my life was and still is glorious. In the last seven years, I only ran into my sister once. In recent months however, that changed. 
             
Regrettably, I re-established contact with her for a couple months last year while parents moved into assisted living. When they were settled, I went back to NC with her. I think my episode of contact followed by another act of going no contact might have ignited some new level of her rage.
   
I have run into her three times in recent months. Each time she is visibly shaking with rage at me and looking at me with piercing black eyes and getting very close in my space. It is intrusive and feels hostile. There is no physical contact, but I can feel anger radiating from her.

I do not even think about her, and I never look for her in public places. Each time she approaches me from behind and I never see her coming. It sort of feels like a cheap shot. I always respond with gray rock. I show no emotion. I never engage in any conversation or say much of anything. After a few minutes, she moves away.

One time, she said she "just wanted to say hello". Two other times it came after our mother had fallen at the assisted living facility. I am still on a contact list there, so on occasion staff has called me. My sister is POA and I repeatedly tell staff as such, even though it is my sister's responsibility as POA to ensure the staff has that paperwork and is aware. So, after one fall my sister crept up behind me at a deli counter and asked me if I had received her text messages that mom had fallen. I was a bit amused that she is still attempting to text me since she has been blocked for a long time. I assume she feels more enraged when it does not go through. The other time she approached me at a shopping mall and asked why I had not called her when mom fell and said I needed to tell her. She was looking me up and down, shaking her head, each hand tightly clenched at her hips. I just said I assumed they would have contacted her as well as me. She called me useless and then I just walked off. As I turned away from her she yelled behind me "you are vile". I just kept walking.
 
She seems enraged, but I do not even do anything. She was infuriated the assisted living facility called me when mom had fallen, but she was apparently not contacted. Now it seems she is triangulating with the facility.

Last night, her son and his new wife approached me and my husband at a restaurant "just to say hello". He looked at me with daggers shooting through me and his anger was exactly the same that his mother displayed. I continued to gray rock it and showed no emotion. I said hello back and he just stood there very close to me asking repeatedly how I was and what was new until he finally said goodbye and walked out.

My question is - What do I do when this happens again?

Each time I have relied on the things I have learned. I think I do not need to do anything about their behavior. I think that I cannot control what they do, but I can control how I respond. Keep calm, do not engage, remain unemotional and gray rock it. Am I missing something? 

If anything, I think I should perhaps video these encounters. Maybe I should stop verbally responding and just remain completely silent as the video captures whatever they do. If it becomes physical, then I will have evidence. Hope it never comes to that, but it feels like there is some escalating momentum.   

Appreciate any advice.  Thank you.   

   

[bloomie]

Blueberry Pancakes - YIKES! This would be unsettling behavior from anyone, but from a sibling and nephew, especially so. I am really sorry you live in the same area and this is happening.

I don't know how I would avoid hyper vigilance, to be honest. I am greatly impressed with your emotion free response and how you are able to not think about your sister. That shows steadfast healing has taken place and you are empowered.

Baiting is something I have encountered with a family member when it became clear she had lost both contact and control with me. You are already doing the very best thing you can under difficult, public circumstance. You are not taking the bait!

My hope is that these encounters will end. What do you make of having run into her more frequently in the recent months?

[walking on broken glass]

Blueberry pancakes, wow that is tough. I am really sorry you are going through this. I think you are handling it exceptionally well. Even just reading about this, my skin crawls. I have experienced what you describe, the palpable anger and the physical proximity, and it is so unsettling. Would it make sense to just go away, when they approach you, if you are able to do so? It won't be easy to do if you sitting in a restaurant, for instance, but maybe if they approach you on the street, you could move away without acknowledging their presence? I am not sure if this is better than what you are doing, because they will get more enraged and it might lead to a public scene, but it's a bit more aggressive and you avoid the forced contact.
Sending hugs 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Bloomie and Walking.

Bloomie - I always find calmness when reading your comments. Noting that healing is taking place and seeing my handling of the situations as coming from an empowered place makes me not feel like such a sitting duck. I read the baiting link, and it makes sense. Witnessing the dysfunction in the younger generation sure was creepy though. I believe he deems it agreeable because he saw his mother do it and she may have even encouraged him to follow along. I can see he may have gotten rarely given accolades from his parents when he told them what he did, so it just gets reinforced. To me they act like a pack of rabid jackals.
 
Walking - Thanks for your insight. If you think I am handling it well, then I will take it as such. Yes, it makes total sense for me to just walk away when any of them approach. Each time though, I have been in some type of physical bind. I am sitting in a restaurant with my husband with a plate of food in front of me, or I have my hands full of food that I cannot put down easily, or am waiting in line for an order I just placed. I will try harder next time however to do what I can to just get away without any verbal exchange.     

[Pinkos]

Just wanted to echo what everyone has said. I am impressed with your ability to stay inside yourself and be steadfast. I think you're already handling this in an A+ way. I think walking away if possible is certainly another option but I can imagine a sort of freeze response in these instances. It also seems like they're in a freeze response and don't know what to do once they've startled you. It's such a display of control on their part. But in actuality they are the ones who have lost control and you're the one in control. Quite childish.

Subtle body shifts also communicate more than words in certain situations. I have a boundary-challenged boss who likes to stand behind me when I'm sitting down (supposedly to look at my screen while discussing a question, which he doesn't need to) and it creeps me out so I stand up when I sense he's getting ready to do that. It feels awkward to do but that's the point. It can instantly shift the energy of both parties. You startle them without uttering a word. It's not hostile - you're just standing up. It's a simple non-confrontational act. Make yourself bigger (hand on hip?). Move briskly away. Head up. These subtle body movements make a difference. Maybe you can experiment with one or two things and see how that feels.

Sometimes it helps to imagine some cartoon character or some silly thing when you think about them. It helps me sometimes to diminish people who behave unreasonably and put me in a FOG state. That's how I imagined them when you described these scenarios. I saw caricatures not real flesh humans. The behavior is so outlandish and my brain just went there.

I'm sure your sister has riled up her son and he's just mimicking her as you have noted. Smh. He doesn't even know why he's angry. He just knows he's SUPPOSED to be whenever you're in range. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's unfair to make you feel like you have to be on alert now in public in case one of these jackals jump out at you. It's so ridiculous what we go through with these disordered people.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Pinkos. I too thought it was an attempt at control on their part. If I do not see them and we have no interaction, they are not in control. However, when they can literally insert themselves one foot in front of me, they cannot be ignored. Whatever I respond with, they can still get something from me even if it is only my momentary attention and acknowledgement. 

The idea about subtle shifts in body language is very good. It seems like it could be quite powerful for me and easy to do.
 
Yes, I am sure his mother riled him up. He only knows how he should feel and act toward me. He has seen his mother model the behavior. I see it a bit as how the cycle continues, and dysfunction passes through generations. It is creepy to see him act like her.     
 
It reminds me of that line from the old movie Fatal Attraction where the female lead tells the one married character "I'm not just going to be ignored." Then the **** hits the fan. 

[OverHere]

Blueberry this sounds so awful and I agree they seem to be aware of when to catch you so you "can't" escape without creating a scene or something.

I don't have any answers but it might give you new ideas to wonder if they don't have any awareness of what they are feeling and projecting.  This alexithymia seems to be very common and nothing makes sense if it is left out of the equation.

So they can be obviously angry and hostile, that is, to anyone who can read these things, but be completely convinced that they are being nice, constructive, mature, etc. and then "somehow" the rage bubbles over and they do not need to reflect much on what "you just made them do" because "it's obvious to anyone with half a brain that Blueberry is hateful."

I have needed to learn to relate to people like this as most of my extended family are this way, even the "nice" ones, except they mostly express themselves by avoidance and encouraging others to avoid, so at least its quieter.

I hope you find your answers soon.

[NarcKiddo]

My question is - What do I do when this happens again?

Each time I have relied on the things I have learned. I think I do not need to do anything about their behavior. I think that I cannot control what they do, but I can control how I respond. Keep calm, do not engage, remain unemotional and gray rock it. Am I missing something? 

That sounds awful. I don't think you are missing anything and I think you are responding very well. It seems to me you are giving just enough acknowledgement of their presence to remain polite and not inflame them. Totally ignoring them in a public place could be inflammatory, especially if you choose to video them, although I do not know the people in question so I could well be wrong there.

Maybe you could think up some more stock answers, including things like "excuse me, but I have an appointment". Even if you are standing in line at a food place, clearly about to eat, so they question it, you can follow with something like "yes, my appointment is very soon and I need to read some documents beforehand while I am eating. Excuse me." And then ignore. That's probably what I would try.

[OverHere]

You could also consider leaving saying "I have somewhere I have to be" because it is true, everyone does have to be somewhere, but it also gives no information to them.

[JR]

Blueberry pancakes, these people know that they trigger you by just being in close proximity to you and get a charge out of it, they do not get the message of STAY AWAY this is just an invitation to them that they can effect you in a negative way and this is wonderfull to them for more Narc fun and playtime. And know they know where to find you the more they will frequent these places and cause you stress.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Blueberry pancakes, these people know that they trigger you by just being in close proximity to you and get a charge out of it, they do not get the message of STAY AWAY this is just an invitation to them that they can effect you in a negative way...

Thank you, JR. Yes. I believe they do this for exactly the reason you state. This is not an attempt to be nice.  It is them shoving my No Contact in my face. It feels hostile to me and confrontational. I also do believe they get a charge out of approaching me. It all just makes my skin crawl.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you NarcKiddo and OverHere. The stock answers are good to have on hand. I also thought if they approach me and my husband again when we are seated at a table, I would say something similar "We are having a personal conversation - please excuse us." I am not sure they would walk away, but I could try.
   
I think the worst I can do is say what immediately comes to mind which is not good. It is along the lines of an eye roll followed by a heavy sigh then blurting out "Oh no. Not you again. Don't you know I want nothing to *****ng do with you". Ugh! I think I freeze a bit because I get focused on withdrawing my natural gut reaction to them. 
   
Thank you again.   
 
 

 

[JR]

Blueberry pancakes, these people know that they trigger you by just being in close proximity to you and get a charge out of it, they do not get the message of STAY AWAY this is just an invitation to them that they can effect you in a negative way...

Thank you, JR. Yes. I believe they do this for exactly the reason you state. This is not an attempt to be nice.  It is them shoving my No Contact in my face. It feels hostile to me and confrontational. I also do believe they get a charge out of approaching me. It all just makes my skin crawl.

so true I have a severely Narcissist family member(brother) and he has no where to go, no real friends so he hangs around here cause he gets supply from mommy, who created this monster hanging around where i live as a caregiver to another Narc mother who had a stroke, they both pepper me with abuse most of it nonsense because they know there's not much i can do towards them (not my house) these people are truly disturbed and like to test you, they want you on pins and needles, and try to restrict your daily life with childish and absurd mostly made up events that never happened. Remember if these people have you targeted as being BAD then they will try to make your life hell, because they love to fight with others they deem the Enemy, hopefully at some point i can get my life back and kiss these disturbed people adios.

[walking on broken glass]

I think the worst I can do is say what immediately comes to mind which is not good. It is along the lines of an eye roll followed by a heavy sigh then blurting out "Oh no. Not you again. Don't you know I want nothing to *****ng do with you". Ugh! I think I freeze a bit because I get focused on withdrawing my natural gut reaction to them.

I am wondering out loud here: what would happen if you actually said that? Would it be the worst thing?

[Pinkos]

@walking on broken glass

I'm wondering the same thing! I actually wonder if Blue got confrontational once if they would ever do it again!

Their behavior is so egregious that I think a gut instinct of "eff off" is the right one.

[blacksheep7]

I agree.

Enough is enough. Sometimes being nice gets you nowhere.  Just saying.

[Pinkos]

I once had a flying monkey show up at my job. I refused to see her and she left. But I was so incensed that I went with my gut instinct in that moment and called to confront her basically saying "what the heck do you think you're doing?" And she had no defense and was at a loss. Never heard from her since.

They are acting from a trance like mindset and I think going with your gut would break them out of it and possibly stop the behavior.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you everyone for the insights. Ya, maybe when the same old tactics make no impact at all it is time to take a different approach. Thank you. 

[Tribe16]

Blueberry Pancakes, how are they finding you in public places? I'm worried they're tracking you or threw an airtag under your car or something. How are they finding you? That would creep me out. I'm sorry they are doing this to you. Check your cars! Stalkers are nuts!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Blueberry Pancakes, how are they finding you in public places? I'm worried they're tracking you or threw an airtag under your car or something. How are they finding you? That would creep me out. I'm sorry they are doing this to you. Check your cars! Stalkers are nuts!

Tribe - Interesting question. I too have wondered, but do not post specifically about it because I think it would make me sound like the nutty one. I have not found anything tangible but have suspicions. I have actually checked under my car and in the wheel wells and found nothing. I also believe it is possible to download location tracking software to a phone remotely, so I have checked on that too. Overall, I know they have no boundaries so they could indeed be doing something. Stalking is not beyond them. I am keeping my eyes open. Thank you.