Partners scary friend and the implications for who they are

[OverHere]

My partner has made a friend that makes me feel like the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. I've only met them once and that is enough.  The friend works for an employer you do not want to find an uNPD working for.  I'm very scared of the friend on a visceral level but much more so because of what it says about my partner, who has seen for the last many years what my uNPD ex has put everyone through but has actually learned nothing for themself personally from it.

If they can be friends with someone like that, it means they have been pretending with me all these years and the only reason things have been peaceful lately is because they have learned me really well.

I want a divorce, have wanted one for a long time, but can't afford to say or do one single thing, just keep silent and wait for things to end naturally.

I am so scared.

[OverHere]

Sorry, I lost the plot for a while there.

Relationships with NPDs are an attention economy.  If I withdraw my attention from my partner and focus on my own needs and interests, I am guessing that my partner will become an unappealing source of supply for the N friend, who will then discard them.  It's just going to take courage and commitment.  The same thing happens in relationships all the time, it's just not framed in those terms.


Thanks for reading. 

[bloomie]

OverHere - how disconcerting to meet this 'friend' who you have such a strong aversion to. I am a trust my gut kinda person and support you in not wanting this 'friend' in your life and the life of your partner.

I am a bit confused, are you saying that your wanting to focus on your own needs and interests as a way to fade out of your relationship or as a way to deter this new 'friend'?

[OverHere]

Hi Bloomie thanks for your reply. Sorry for not expressing it well, would it make more sense to say, I need to focus on myself, and the results will either be A (relationship fades out) or B (pretend friend fades out).  To fight against the pretend friend would only strengthen the connection because its based on ego, so I haven't said one word about them since we were introduced.

Yes thank you I seldom have a response to a new person like that. Let's say I don't know this person per se but I do sense a bad relationship.

My partner has learned not to be a bad actor themself (if that's a word) mostly but has not learned how not to be an N victim. In other words the original root of the problem is still there. I've been studying it for years now and I forget that they have not even started and have no idea why things happen for them such as becoming parentally alienated and losing their family.

OverHere - how disconcerting to meet this 'friend' who you have such a strong aversion to. I am a trust my gut kinda person and support you in not wanting this 'friend' in your life and the life of your partner.

I am a bit confused, are you saying that your wanting to focus on your own needs and interests as a way to fade out of your relationship or as a way to deter this new 'friend'?

[bloomie]

I need to focus on myself, and the results will either be A (relationship fades out) or B (pretend friend fades out).  To fight against the pretend friend would only strengthen the connection because its based on ego, so I haven't said one word about them since we were introduced.

OverHere - yes, that makes total sense and is so wise!

And it is quite something when we have clear vision having done years of learning to be able to spot a loved on who is vulnerable to the tactics. Especially in ego driven relationships.

[OverHere]

Thank you so much for the support Bloomie.  My feeling about the pretend friend is, "You again. Will it never end"

Hence, this site for which I am so grateful.