Handling fair criticism

[Queenfrog]

So, I'm here in the forum because of my uOCPDh, or so I think. One reason I think he's got OCPD is that he constantly criticizes me and my actions. I've been working with No JADE, Medium Chill, and so on, and I'm getting better at handling the unfair criticism.

My question of the day (maybe not for the first time) is what to do with fair criticism. Let's stipulate that I'm not perfect. I'm often clumsy, and I forget things. Maybe more than average, but you don't have to believe me on that. (These are two things he hardly ever does. He is very careful about things.) I have had these traits since before I met him. (I'm coming to realize it may be a symptom of something - will need to learn more about that.)

He has unreasonable OCPD standards of perfection for everything, and he's "exquisitely sensitive". At the same time, anyone could get upset if their spouse accidentally pokes them in the eye or forgets an apartment-house rule and risks a fine from the HOA. Of course, he reacts disproportionately. Of course, this morphs into broad condemnations of me and my family. Of course, I get triggered because this dynamic is far too familiar in our relationship.

Complicating things further is the fact that he never admits any of his own mistakes. And he never says sorry unless I escalate by leaving the house or something. So if I readily admit my own mistakes and say sorry, it feels one-sided. And he continues to pile on. Often an admission or apology on my part just opens the door to broader criticism.

I don't want to be that person who plugs their ears to valid criticism, minimizes it, or shuts down and refuses to engage on the subject. I feel like anything I say or do will be wrong in this situation.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Queenfrog,

Im of the opinion that "...admit my own mistakes and say im sorry" (if my error truly affected another person negatively) is just being a decent human being.  I don't believe there is a "sided" to be considered in whether im going to be a decent human being. If another person negatively affects me by their error and is aware, yet does not admit/apologize, then imo its a mark against them, but does not alter my being a decent human being. 

How do you handle "fair" criticism from others such as coworkers or friends?  I take it you are using the word 'fair' as you would 'truthful' or 'honest', not an equal math equation.  If you are able to accept honest or constructive criticism from someone else other than your uOCPDh, then maybe some insight is located there. 

The toolbox is 100% necessary and beneficial when interacting with a PD, so keep up your successful and diligent work.  Well done!  My opinion is that if the initial proclamation that your error affected your husband is true, then provide a decent human being apology, but that is where it ends, just as it would with friends or coworkers.  If you sense your husband is going to pile on top of that, walk away outside of earshot with your toolbox handy before the piling starts. 

SoT

[Deby64]

Look at God, Queenfrog, I log on to inquire about the exact same thing. It saddens me that I have to hear all of this from my updh,some true and some not so true because he doesn't see nor own his part. I was going to see if anyone has ever attempted to write a letter to the updh. This way the rage and insecurity will not be felt by me, yet I can voice my side of what he is raging about 🤷🏾�♀️
Lord knows I'm emotionally drained from this marriage. I've gotten better and using my tools which has saved me lots of heartbreak and pain. Yet, his eyes have got to be opened. At the end of the day he is human. Sick as💩 I'm well aware of, but still human with the ability to change. I'm not perfect by all means have made tons of mistakes, I can admit that. The admission comes with piles of negativity regarding my character, my family and my values. To which I feel myself becoming triggered and wanting to denfend. I've done well to greywall and walk away, yet the pain and resentment are overwhelming.