Healing from a Trauma Bond

[Invisiblewoman]

I have been thinking lately about my attachment to my family and the struggle it has posed on how I relate to others.

Your earliest attachments can have the most impact on you.

I just remember my sibling and how I went from trusting him, to completely losing my trust and just giving up.

As toxic and abusive our relationship was, my sibling had an incredible way of getting you to relax.

Being his sister I know not to fall for it; but at the same time he has an ability to put people at ease and make them feel welcome. I just know as genuine as it may seem the end result often ends manipulation at your expense.

However I find it hard to be comfortable with strangers. Getting to know new people and safe people is hard because you don't know if someone will fall apart and lash out.

The comfort with my sibling immediately relaxes me but I know leaving my defences open, can put me in a terrible spot. I feel as I've healed I had gotten further away from the people like my family.

But the trust process is hard. I feel I struggle with social anxiety and breaking the ice takes a lot for me.

Does anyone struggle the same way when your family hasn't been a safe space?

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Invisible woman,

New people are not necessarily safe. We have to learn that about them over time. No one can show they are safe through a one time encounter with us. It is about being predictable and safe, which means we have to see them being 'safe' with us, over and over.

I was recently talking to someone who I know has NPD traits. And this person is not safe, and I know this. But the attempt to make me feel safe is impressive. This person works hard to appear safe, and is not. The people with charisma can be using their charm to get people to feel safe. Real safety comes from being emotionally mature, and you'll see that over time, with how they act.

In casual social gatherings, most people just want to get a good time of out of the activity.

Your post resonates with me because I had to constantly meet strangers to see if I could connect to them, since my FOO are not around.

Trees

[Prototypian]

What I found and this is not a recommendation, just a personal anecdote- is that I had to spend time alone without other people to figure out what boundaries I needed.

[JustKeepTrying]

Hi Invisible Woman -

Your post struck a chord with me. I had to communicate today with my no to low contact siblings who I do not feel safe with. I also don't put myself in social situations anymore where I am around almost strangers because that feeling of not being safe is so strong and raises my anxiety. I am like Jsinjin - I need to be by myself to know my boundaries.

That being said - it is powerful to walk away from a situation that feels unsafe. I traveled alone for more than a year. I learned to Liston to my intuition and walk away if the situation felt unsafe. I learned to not questions that hair on the back of my neck or that ick feeling or tightness in my chest - whatever you feel - and just gracefully leave. Or not gracefully as some situations required a quick hop in the camper van and take off. I now trust that feeling and don't regret what I may have missed by staying - because I may not be here if I had stayed. So trust yourself. You now can read the signs and you are stronger than you know.