Divorce Complete, Back at Home

[MaxedOut]

Hi all,

I have been a bit quiet while navigating the divorce settlement but as if a few days ago, I am divorced from my XUBPDW. Things definitely got hairy at points, and plenty of emotional and verbal abuse by text and email. It got bad enough at one point that I blocked her on my phone then she wanted NC, which has really given my nervous system a new layer of healing. The divorce was sort of going nowhere other than really not rational responses to things. She was apparently getting even more dysregulated than I was aware of any time something came from the lawyer (who she fired once, as I anticipated). A sibling who I have a good relationship with ended up needing to represent her and that made for a much smoother process. The settlement is more than I wanted to give up or think is fair and I'll have alimony for longer than I hoped but on a couple crucial things, it is what I wanted. It feel so good having that done, instead of worrying about what might transpire or if the reasonable discussions with the sibling would get blown up in reactivity.

And I am back at home. There was about a normal person's worth of possessions to deal with after she moved with movers taking a truckload. But I got the last big chunk out today. The cats I retained were more stressed coming back home than they were getting abruptly relocated to a furnished rental. I was expecting it to be easier since they'd be coming home, but I think it put them on hyper alert status from their experiences here too.

I have definitely had some triggering stuff here. And tossed out a bunch of things with abusive memories attached to them. I anticipated a lot of it, but would get caught off guard by really random objects. I realized they were typically things that were related to totally left-field dysregulated abuse. After years, I had lots of training about things/situations/people likely to cause negative reactions. And there were a lot of things that were just random, unpredictable sparks 🔥. I think that abuse unpredictability and usually remaining feeling of WTF? is why they are getting me emotionally.

It has been so good not to be hyper vigilant, to not have a running censor/monitor going all the time, to do/watch/eat/listen to whatever I want. And to clear out space and let in light in my house. She has a lot of anxieties, OCD, and shopping/hoarding/neat filling tendencies where I am a pretty minimalist person for space. Over the years, I ceded so much space and mental calm to the always expanding stuff. I purged a lot of things I care about just to create some breathing room in the room t hat was my home office. It is staggering how much stuff there still was and how much space there is now.

I get overwhelmed at how all encompassing everything was—how much of my reality and ways of existing centered on her illnesses, distortions, control, etc. I felt like a little moon in orbit of this whole self absorption and reality created by her mental illnesses, BPD, and physical limitations. Those all got worse over time and I was the proverbial frog in the pot.


I have reconnected with people I care about that I was unable to see, too exhausted to spend time with, or ashamed/feeling disconnected when I did hang out and that has been AMAZING. There were a number of relationships that just were iced because my ex would get in some dysregulated conflict, split, then get furious at me for anything other than 100% agreement with her perception. And, not surprisingly those were often people closest to me (I think subconscious threat/worry relationship).

One of the toughest of those was in the last year we were together. It was about my best friend. She got cancer. My ex considered her a good friend too, but had a visit that ended with her splitting. I largely missed out supporting, visiting, being visited by, and spending time with my bestie for 5 of the last 11 months of her life. It came to somewhat of a head a year ago with me talking about divorce (it was always her who would theater). And talking explicitly about abuse and abusive behaviors. She was in some level of psychosis and doesn't remember much of that time (she also overdosed) but unsplit after.

Anyway, that was tough and spreading/divorcing on tops of my friend's death has made for a pretty layered, intense few seasons of grief. I still worry about my ex, miss the other kitties, and grieve for who she was and what things were like before (though you always see the truer totality of things more clearly looking back). But I haven't had any wavering or dark nights of the soul. I am grateful she survived the transition and hope that continues; threat and risk of suicide was one of the major FOG factors for me.

I am much happier. My nervous system is much better (I was taking daily beta blockers before separating and was able to stop within a couple of weeks). I am so excited about life and things that come next.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️
Five stars, would recommend

[hhaw]

I'm glad your divorce is over, Max.  Keep breathing, and build the life you deserve (in clear sunny spaces.)

Remember, you're the blue sky.  Your thoughts and memories of ex are passing clouds and storms.  Let them go by.....they will pass. 

Focus on what you do want.

And maybe play music you love.
And dance.

[bloomie]

MaxedOut - wow! What an update. I felt myself breathing more deeply even as I read your descriptions of you reclaiming your home and transforming it into a space where you can heal and thrive.

I am so sorry for the passing of your dear friend. I am thankful that you had time with her and are reviving relationships that are meaningful to you.

Bravo for coming through this time and finding excitement for the journey ahead! 

[MaxedOut]

Hhaw, the house is often filled with music (and dancing) now. Or podcasts.

I couldn't really put something on a jam out when we were together.

I had asked for her to leave one of the good quality Bluetooth speakers-one of the few things I requested. She didn't (though the move ended up in rush packing as she just wasn't coping well, so may not have been intentional).

Even though I am dealing with a pretty big pile of CC debt from lawyer, rental apartment, etc. and really limiting spending, a new  nice little portable speaker and a vacuum were my first purchases. 


Thank you Bloomie-it has been hard. We became friends in high school (era: the computer lab newly connected to a thing called the internet and we protested against the start of the first Gulf War).

Her husband came out for a week to help me sort through stuff and do a yard sale and hang out with mutual friends. That was great and super thankful for more time together to process both things.

[notrightinthehead]

WoW! I am so happy for you! What an update. Congratulations. And it sounds like you are healing wonderfully. Somehow it seems like it went fast from the moving out to the finalizing of the divorce. And you have a lot of support. Thanks for this encouraging update!

[xredshoesx]

@MaxedOut - ty ty ty for updating- it's been quite a journey and I hope that you continue to do what you need to do to make this peace your new normal

[square]

Good to hear your update.

I find it quite notable that the cats were both relieved to be out amd stresed on return. Hopefully they will quickly feel more secure. Were they ever targeted by your ex, or were they stressed as bystanders and witnesses? 

Man, the sibling bejng involved must have been a huge relief to you. And a huge mess for her. But, this is a key fear you had, that there would be nobody looking out for her, but that baton ended up being picked up, for now at least, and now is the time you needed it most for your peace of mind.

That running censor/monitor thing is absolutely exhausting. Also, the outta-nowhere disasters and erratic unravelling is really heavy.

We are both enjoying our pared down spaces. My apartment is super minimalist and part of me feels a little self conscious that people might think I'm not good at making it look decorated. I'm probably thinking of my mom, mostly. She is good at decorating, snd when she visits she is definitely going to think it's pretty empty and that I "need" some stuff. But I don't want it!!! Dammit!!!

But anyway, I felt so frazzled at the house with the conditions. I had to do mind tricks to ignore what was going on in the kitchen. I had to go to lengths to protect my things and feel "safe" - like, I had to store my toothbrush in my room because it would just get knocked on the floor and stepped on in the bathroom, I could never let my laundry be in the dryer when H was at home because he'd take my bath towel out and use it to wipe a spill on the floor (or on one memorable occasion he used it to scrub moss or mold or something from the exterior siding of the house). Nothing of mine was safe from his carelessness or poor judgment, all lovely things got ruined or broken, and if I ever expressed the smallest amount of sadness he'd say I was so superficial and hoity toity when nothing is further from the truth. I'm happy in my apartment with Goodwill dishes, a free used sofa, and drinking glasses repurposed from empty glass peanut butter jars. But I still unconsciously feel ashamed for caring about having clean and pretty things, but it's not status I'm looking for, just the joy of having a space I like to be in.

What you said about being a little moon in orbit is really something - moons can get pulled apart by tidal forces when they orbit too close to a large mass. Or maybe more relevant, everything gets torn apart when it gets too close to a black hole.

Well anyway, you survived, she survived, my H survived, I survived. Good for all of us.

[Rebel13]

Overall so happy for you, MaxedOut, and sorry for the loss of your friend. Grief can be so complicated, especially when so many good things are also happening.

Wishing you all the best.

[MaxedOut]

Thank you guys. Overall it's been really good. I am chipping away at house stuff, and making spaces that fit my wants and needs. I'm focusing initially more on the elbow grease, fix-it, and improvment using existing supplies until I get a feel for how the new finanicial circumstances play in the real world, not just on a budget spreadsheet. My hope is better, but I'm working with one mortgage higher, alimony, less in workplace health benefit, and none of spouse's SSDI. However, I was not the spender in the relationship and live day-to-day a lot less expensively.

I'm happy to say my love of cooking came roaring back. It was something that pretty much died out the last few years between task overload, fried nervous system, helath issues, and often getting angry reactions from food I made in really unpredictable ways. I was some sort of focus point for disordered eating/spending and general anger so a meal that had been liked prior could elicit a really bad reaction (then often the leftovers were deemed tasty the next day after stroming off, tossing food in the sink and slamming dishware, etc. because it was disgusting and ordering door dash in resentment....). I wasn't cooking much in the months at a rental so wondered how that may play out. But one I was back at home and done with the first major waves of clearing out stuff, it came right back. And feels good to be eating mostly whole, real foods. I was eating OK while seperated but higher on the processed level of foods and when living together, more meat than I really like to eat and not as many/variety of veggies as I like.

So yay! to being the boss of what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner. And yay to not having to waste mental energy trying to figure out what might be acceptable options, what actually might get liked, bracing for reactions etc. Note that I am a skilled cook-I haven't told friends or family about this whole deal but folks who know me would have a hard time wrapping their heads around it. I intellectually knew was not about me but knowing that doesn't stop your system from anxiety, dread, reactive FFFF response, etc. I know from other posts that the kitchen and cooking can be a whole thing with PDs. Glad to buh-bye that part of things.