First Post-- Seeking Guidance and Community

[chungobungo]

Hi everybody,

I am currently struggling with an incredibly complicated and worrisome situation with a close friend. I do not want to disclose too much for the sake of anonymity.

This friend has a very long history of past abuse, from some very long-lasting relationships during which they were very seriously sexually and psychologically abused, and even psychologically conditioned by some of their partners to behave in certain ways on demand. They also have a very complicated view on spirituality, in particular after learning from some spiritual mentors.

The abuse and the control very closely interface with the spiritual beliefs they hold, and forms what I conceptualize as a sort of "mythos". The mythos makes all of this incredibly ingrained and entrenched within them, and is only further perpetuated by some of the abusers around them. As far as I can discern, everyone actually very close to them that they have ever mentioned all play some sort of role in this mythos, although I don't know explicitly if every single friend has abused them.

I have always been giving unconditional positive regard, presenting myself as a caring, open channel who wants nothing more than to listen and to talk. Recently, the communication has been reduced dramatically, which has coincided with an old abuser being allowed back into their life by another abuser they trust. This old abuser has notoriety within this mythos, and is seen by my friend the only current avenue to getting better.

I have BPD myself, so it is emotionally agonizing trying to force myself to simply be around as someone who cares. I care so profoundly and so deeply, and have a lot of concern. I had to leave my therapist recently due to their violation of some very serious ethical stuff, so I am also currently without a provider. I have a select few very close friends I am comfortable opening up to about this, and it's almost suffocating bearing this burden without any perspective or insight.

I'm just looking for insight from anyone who has been through anything even remotely adjacent, and any advice that people are willing to offer.

[xredshoesx]

Hi @chungobungo and welcome to Out of the FOG -

From what you shared, this is an incredibly hard situation to support a close friend while dealing with your own issues.  My two cents.  Put on your own oxygen mask first and make sure you are getting the support from the professionals *you* need.  Space from the situation may be a boundary you need to set in order to protect yourself-  as you your Dx there is some things about this forum you need to know.

Because you have identified yourself as someone who suffers from BPD,  we want to make sure you're aware of a couple of things as you settle in.

Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

Thanks for your understanding, and again Welcome to Out of the FOG.