I have 3 Years of Co-Parenting Left

[unicorn]

After years of relative quiet, the ex's current wife left him and he seems to be getting worse.

The day she left him (unknown to me), he sent me a flurry of awful text messages, called me 15 times in a row, and I had the police do a wellness check on him that evening. He did not answer the door, which is typical for him. He texted me late that night stating that his accounts had been hacked and it wasn't him. I don't speak to him on the phone and I only respond to texts concerning specific issues about the kids that warrant a response.

His wife later called me the next week and asked me very specific questions about what I went through when I got divorced and told me that she was seeking a restraining order (this was denied due to lack of evidence of physical abuse). I talked with her several weeks after that and she said she was having a hard time deciding whether or not to actually leave him. She has never reached out to me before and we have never had a good relationship.

My ex found out that we talked and that night he had our boys and sent them to my house because he wasn't doing well because his wife  "betrayed him". I was stressing out about having to send them back to him after that and he then texted to tell me he was going to be out of town for work for a week and a half. So I was able to just keep them for 3 weeks straight.

He called my daughter who is away at college last night and told her that he has been home this whole time. He said that he is angry that I called the cops for a wellness check and that I know that he doesn't like it when I call the cops on him.. He also told my daughter that he only sent ONE text message that day. She told me that feels confused on who to believe, I was like "I could send you screenshots of these texts, but I think that would make you feel worse." He also told her that there is also a possibility of him getting back together with his wife, which I'm not surprised by.

We also have a son who I have picked up at his house after school (he rides the bus there, I am not zoned for his school). I asked my son if he saw dad at the house and he said yes. I was like did he talk to you or say what is happening or anything, about him not being out of town. My son just shrugged and look uncomfortable and I was it's fine, I'm not upset.

I do even know where to start right now. I am having to calm my college age daughter down from here. And I have two high school boys that are supposed to go back to him next week which I don't want to send back, but I am also afraid of what he will do if I don't send them back to him.

I can't wait until all these kids are out of his house.

[bloomie]

Hi, unicorn - what an onslaught this all seems to be for you. You did what you believed was right by your ex by sending the appropriate people to make sure he was okay after the flurry of texts and phone calls.

I can imagine how hard it was to navigate that moment with your ex, his wife's phone call and his dishonesty with your kids around all of this. 

The concerns about sending your boys back with all this going on is understandable. How do they feel about going back? 

[unicorn]

They went back after two weeks. His wife had moved back in, so my younger son said he didn't feel comfortable with her there at the house. My ex then drove him back to me. My older son never made it over, just came to my place after hearing about his brother.

I assume if she stays then the boys will not go back other there. She called my daughter (at college) and told her that my ex told has told the current wife that she is abusive and thats why none of the kids are there. My daughter told her that it wasn't true. So he is gaslighting the current wife really bad. This is just all crazy and I am having awful flashbacks of things I went through 8 years ago.

[bloomie]

unicorn - am I understanding this correctly? The wife moved back in, boys are not going to your ex's and the current wife called your daughter who has been accused of abuse toward your boys by your ex? 

If I am following correctly, just wow! Thank goodness the kids have a safe harbor with you and a place of peace and truth to turn to. I am so sorry this is bringing flashbacks, and understandable it would.

I find the suggestions for flashback management that Pete Walker has shared to be of help. I hope you do, too!

https://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm