My Mom Keeps Saying I Hate Her and Never Want to Talk

[LycheeMangoPineapple]

So I got a text from my mom earlier today asking me if I hated her or was angry because I 'never want to talk to her or see her'.

I texted I was actually thinking of visiting this weekend. She said didn't I have my final exams on Monday? And I said I could just come up for Saturday and Sunday. Or next weekend.

She then said next weekend is Easter (idk how that is a rebuttal?) And said I don't have to come up because she knows I don't like spending time with them.

I don't know what to do now because it's obvious whatever I say she will still be mad. I'm going through a tough mental health spot and this is making it worse.

[walking on broken glass]

I would advise you not to go visit just because she is trying to make you feel guilty. Keep your distance. Say 'I would love to visit but I am afraid I am very busy with my studies just now. I am sorry you feel this way.' Then end the conversation. Don't try to appease her or justify your choices. Your mum feeds on your guilt. This is not a healthy relationship and she won't change. Staying as far away from her as possible and keeping very low contact is the smart thing to do.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You know, if she thinks you don't like spending time with her, she might try being nicer to you.

Opting out of a visit where you are guaranteed to be subject to this crap is just fine. She's made up her mind that you feel a certain way and she's going to be emotionally immature about it and trying to put her bad feelings onto you. You're right, she's putting you in an impossible position of being responsible for her feelings but unable to do anything to make her feel better. She can only ruin your weekend too.

[Cenerentola]

I'm seconding the advice not to visit at a time when your mom's made up her mind to be upset.  I've spent too many vacations with FOC at FOO's house trying to make updm happy; it did not have a measurable effect.

I have in the past basically left the door open for updm to initiate contact with me, saying basically, "Let me know when you are ready to talk/see me." Sometimes it's a long time before she reaches out.  And that's ok.

[moglow]

Unreal how they keep driving the guilt train regardless of your efforts, sucking out any nice you have on offer. Counter with an alternate visit and she "yeah buts" you? Mkay, let me know when is a good time to visit. Her black and white, all or nothing statements would be so tiresome. 

Too many don't get it, there's little/no common relatable ground between you and that's because the relationship was never nurtured, no shared interests or (my guess) she's the only one who matters. The whiny guilt trips would shove me hard the other direction. And I'd stop discussions about it. This won't work for you mom? Okay. We'll talk another time.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

So, Yikes! It must have been so difficult to have your mom say you hated her. Likely the exact opposite is true, and I am so sorry for that.   

Sometimes I think you cannot reason or use logic to get them to see things differently because they are not basing accusations on facts. It might instead be coming from a more emotional place that is very tricky to reach.     
   
It can be a heavy burden to bear because we really just want our parents to be happy with us. We can keep trying different approaches however, and never quite get to any stable place with them. We can lose ourselves to it. 

Overall, I believe it is not our responsibility as their child to make them happy in their life or make them happy with us. They get to navigate the way to their own happiness. I believe our first responsibility is to our own wellbeing. It is OK to do what you need to take care of you.

[bloomie]

LycheeMangoPineapple - the good news is... we are not powerful enough to be responsible for the beliefs and feelings of another person. You are literally not able to do a single thing about what your mother chooses to believe and how she feels.

Growing in emotional maturity for me has been to give back to another responsibility for their own emotional experiences and to realize that doing that is actually what love looks like.

Notice what powerful words your mother used to attempt to manipulate you... do you hate me, you don't like spending time with me... irrational, highly charged and possibly used to get a hit of drama from you. Drop the rope and let your mother feel her feelings and figure herself out, is my best thought.

And you, plan something nice for yourself that refreshes your spirit.

[mary_poppins]

Hi. I am sorry because what I see your mom is doing is manipulation. She is making you feel guilty for not wanting to be with her/spend time with her or for not being the loving adult child she wants. It is cruel but it's intended to get a reaction out of you. The reaction may be that you suddenly feel sorry for her or guilty for making her feel bad. This is the game the PD people play with us. They make us feel bad for who we are and how we live our lives (or our feelings), we cave in, feel guilty or react by trying to appease them so they would stop being sad.

It's not healthy and no one should go through this sort of manipulation.
I wish you well.