Good morning and deep peace

[GoodPesto]

F, almost 40, have spent much time in various therapeutic settings from my mid-twenties until my mid-thirthies to survive neglet&abuse within and outside of the family of origin, fluent in naivity and exceptionally warm-hearted (broken open).
Trauma-bonded with a guy during the early days of covid, read Amber Aults "Five step exit" again twice to seperate, second time it was successful (divorce). During the end of the marriage, in the tough times of living under one roof when disgrace has become a flat-mate, I reconnected with parent (suspected cov.narc), because I needed one. We ended up talking on the phone more and more often, and there were truly fun and supportive moments.
It is not understandable how I ended up trusting her again, having experienced what I experienced. But maybe the longing to have a parental figure in life is even stronger when you lacked one. And surely I needed support. Hadn't the dynamics of the marriage lead to isolation I might have had someone else to reach out to. Anyway. I was back at being interrogated, used as a confidant for family secrets, being humiliated, questioned and infantilised as soon as the hook was in.
Her generousity to sent me on guilt trips on a regular basis (how unfairly I treated her by going n/c, oh - the suffering of a good mother's heart!), very impressive.
Seven months in and she has been over for a 24-h-visit, the first in around eight years. As I sat on the couch after she had left feeling like a train-wreck, completely exhausted, her voice ringing in my ear in an undertone of "I am the best mother of the world because I handle so well how ashamed of you I am", it became crystal clear, that I do not want to feel like this ever again.
And then the FOG comes in ...

[bloomie]

GoodPesto - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you found this community of people who uniquely understand how we are conditioned to cycle through and be drawn to what is familiar, even if it is not good for us.

My thinking is that within each of us is a longing for home. For family, that can be our home and our support. We are longing for a safe harbor and it is a natural and normal desire from early in our lives that goes unmet when we have a parent who creates an atmosphere of dysfunction and risk to us and yet, who are so compelling they draw us in.

It is completely understandable that you would be drawn in again, from the bit I can know from your intro post and from personal experience, because I have surely been drawn back in only to be let down again, myself. I am sorry your mother is not healthy enough to be the mother your need and deserve. That on top of the loss of your marriage is a complex kind of layered loss.

Something I learned about after coming here is called Abuse Amnesia has helped me to begin to journal my experiences to return to - not to grow bitter from or constantly be looking back, but to return to when I am tempted to possibly trust someone again who has proven themselves untrustworthy and unhealthy for me to allow too close.

Keep reading through the tool box above, the articles in the glossary and the conversations on the forum boards. And when you are ready, join in. The insights and support I have found here have helped me greatly. I hope you find that to be true for you, too!