This summer

[walking on broken glass]

I have been thinking a lot about the coming summer.
For the past few years, my partner and I would go to the family holiday home, which is close to the sea, and would stay for a couple of weeks at least, with my mum and dad. My sister did not visit over the summer so there was no danger of seeing her. We had our own space and it had been, for the most part, peaceful. I grew up by the sea and I was used to long weeks of swimming every summer. I felt so lucky to have that. The only time I did not go back for summer was when I was finishing my PhD and needed peace and quiet.

Well, this is the second time in my whole adult life that I am considering whether I (we) should go. Last summer staying there without my dad had been an awkward experience. My mum would talk to my sister on skype from early morning till afternoon. My partner and I would leave to go to the beach and she would still be talking to her. Then we'd come back, we'd have dinner on our own, and I would go down (the house is on two levels) for a short visit to talk to her. That was our only interaction. If I didn't seek her out, I wouldn't speak to her all day. It felt like living with a stranger. I did say to her that we are happy to do things with her, if she feels like it, like drink coffee/tea, watch a movie together, but we didn't want to impose ourselves if she prefered to be on her own. She looked stunned when I mentioned the possibility of company, stuttered and changed the subject without giving me any answer.

Of course now I know that she wasn't just being awkward and distant, but she was secretly hostile and resentful, and that my sister was feeding her all sorts of nonsense against us, which she has bought wholeheartedly. During her outbrust over Christmas, I had said to her: 'how do you expect me to come back here, if you really believe all these things about me?'. She of course understood my legitimate pain and hurt as a personal affront to her and said 'you wouldn't do this to me!'.

Some time has passed since then, we have been fake to one another since, and it's so easy to fall into the trap of old familiar patterns. I have been thinking that I should go visit her in the summer, especially since she will be having a major surgery. These are thoughts definitely dictated by FOG. My therapist asked me to consider what I would do if I wasn't influenced by feelings of guilt and obligation. The answer is I would stay put. I would keep contact to check on my mother's health because I want to know how she is doing, but I don't want to see her and be in the same room with her. I don't want to place myself in a vulnerable position again, where I might be hurt by her behaviour, and feel small and insignificant, and as if I were less-than. I don't want to face relatives who will talk about my poor mum and how difficult it is for her that I am far away, and can't I stay longer to be with her? I don't want to have to listen to my sister's voice, who will be constantly on the phone with my mum. And I don't think that my presence will be valued or appreciated. Perhaps insofar as I do the shopping and cleaning; but is this what my role as a daughter has been reduced to?

Just typing these words makes me feel really sad. And for all those reasons I don't want to go there over the summer. I still want to go to the country for a week's holiday with my partner but not where my mum is. And even though I know this is what I want to do, I am terrified to implement the decision. I am thinking of the backlash and possible rehashing of that conversation with my mum; the reaction of the extended family; the shaming and the scapegoating. It is a big statement and it will bring all the problematic family dynamics to the fore. Perhaps it was time this happened; perhaps I need to embrace it and not be scared; perhaps it will be liberating. I just find hard to summon my anger and I feel like I am swimming in a sea of sadness and despondency.

Can you help me reshape my frame of mind?

[Liketheducks]

Everyone deserves a break.   And a break is so much more restoring and rejuvenating when you can look forward to it, rather than dread.   You don't have to stay with mum for summer holidays.   If she's a relatively healthy adult, she can stay on her own or maybe sis could step in??       
If asked, you can always say....partner and I have always wanted to do XYZ and this year a perfect opportunity has fallen in place.  If it was my mom, probably a guilt inducing conversation about how I never spend time with her....or the latest health scare.   What is the worst case scenario?   That mum would be MORE distant or off putting with you?   You've already lived with that, I sense.     

I'm with your therapist.....what would you plan WITHOUT the FOG?   What things in the country have you not tried and always wanted to?   Where did you get to go when you were a kid, but that place wasn't your parent's preference?    Treat that inner child to something fun.   

Truthfully, I no longer tell my mom when I have travel plans that don't include her until after or if she asks me directly.   But, we're VLC so it is much easier.   Though she is bothered when she feels like I'm not sharing 100% of my life story with her. We've both found a new place with that.   I have to remind myself, that there were likely many, many things she didn't share with her parents.  The idea that I would know every step of my son's adult life seems like oversharing for me.   

Sometimes we, mum and I,  talk about it after the fact, sometimes not.   But, she also doesn't tell me about her every plan for travel.   

What would be the worst case scenario if you don't do the usually family seaside holiday?         

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much, Like the ducks
I guess the worst would be that I would be even more scapegoated than I am now. My mum has cancer, she's had chemo, she will have at least two surgeries over the summer and then more chemo. Since the chemos started, I haven't been to see her. Normally I wouldn't go between Christmas and summer, but these two times I normally visit. So if I don't go, especially now, I will probably be questioned and vilified by the extended family, how come I don't come to see my seriously ill mother. And my mom will probably say something passive aggressive or plainly aggressive, and my decision will confirm her view about how I have changed after my dad's death, and how cold and unscrupulous I have become.

I know this is all their stuff and it shouldn't bother me how they feel. But it's hard not to think of this.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, WOBG!

I can feel the sadness in your post.  Not only are you grieving the relationship you wanted, and maybe thought you had, with your mother.  You're potentially grieving the family holiday home, where I'm sure there were many good memories.

It sounds like you are really dreading going.  It wouldn't really be much of a vacation, would it?  That's sad, but it is the reality you are in right now.  As an aside, is your mother even going to be well enough to travel to this home this summer, with all she is going through? 

I know it's easier said that done, but my thoughts are I would not go on the trip based solely on worrying what extended family will think about you.  You already know how they think about you. And I would be nervous about being "stuck" in close quarters with my mother after how she treated you over Christmas.  It's not like going for a short visit where you can excuse yourself and leave if she starts to act up. 

If you feel you need to visit her, is there some way to do it on a much shorter scale?  It sounds like long travel is involved, so possibly not.  If not, I would go with your gut that is saying stay away and check on her from a distance.  And go on the lovely vacation to the country with your partner. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to heal 😊

As an aside, is your mother even going to be well enough to travel to this home this summer, with all she is going through?

This is a very good point, and it did occur to me too. It's actually one more reason I don't want to go visit. It would mean going to the city, where we would have to stay in a hotel or BnB because there is no way we could stay with my mum. It was bad enough last time, even before she raged at me. We had to stay in my bedroom all morning because my mum would take over the living room and would be talking to my sister. It's like we were imprisoned. If we do go and stay elsewhere, my mum will be passive aggressive about it and this will be the talk of the extended family, because we are here to help and be with my mum, aren't we? What do we mean by not staying with her? Even a friend who knows the situation said to me 'if you go, of course you will stay with your mum. How else are you going to help her?'

And let's say we go and stay somewhere else, we would visit my mum in the evening, when she won't be busy talking to my sister, and we would do ... what? Play the happy family? I have gone over this scenario many times in my head and it just makes no sense to me. I can barely talk to her over the phone, how am I going to do it in person?

The problem is that if I go down that road, I don't see how I can come back from it; in the sense that I don't expect anything in my relationship with my mum to change, as her views are fixed and she won't have a personality transplant. So why would I ever want to go back and visit, if nothing changes?

[Liketheducks]

I know this is all their stuff and it shouldn't bother me how they feel. But it's hard not to think of this.

I feel this in my family....and in my soul   It is SO easy for me to give advice.   When it is my mum, it takes the same toll on me.   One thing I can add...is usually people who say "of course you'll stay with her to help" are so very fortunate enough not to have to deal with this kind of dysfunctional and difficult behavior.   
In our family, the last time my mom was passive/agressive-agressive/agressive, she had the entire family believing that I made her homeless.   It wasn't until years later, when we had had so little contact, that those family members reached back out to me with a nugget of validation.   I was so grateful for that.   She had worked her way through all my siblings...and is now onto cousins and second cousins for her flying monkey team.   

I write this to say, time will heal and help.   I won't ever stay with my mom again or have her stay with me.   It just takes too much of a toll on me.   I SO want to resume that child and enmeshed role.   And, quite frankly, engaging my boundaries with her....DOES come across as cold to HER.   For me and friends and family who see how we engage now....don't see anything out of the ordinary in a mother/daughter relationship.   I know my mom misses what she thought was a special relationship with me.   It is all very, very sad.

[TimetoHeal]

It sounds like you've thought this all out in a lot of detail, WOBG. All of your thoughts and feelings are valid. 

Another question:  Has your mom even asked you to come and help, or are you just thinking this is what you "should" do based on others' opinions?  Sometimes, I find myself rushing in to do things for my mother even when she hasn't (directly) asked, because of guilt and worrying about optics with others, or even comments from others.  Then to find out, she really didn't want help, she just wanted to complain.  I wonder if it is the same with your mother - that she feels alone and miserable, but really, she does not want anyone around her.  That's why FaceTime calls with your sister "work", because she is not really there, she just gets to talk.  Maybe that is why she went off on you last time you were there.  I may be projecting the way my mother is on to yours.  But my mother, for all the complaining she does about being alone, lonely and helpless, can not bear more than a very short visit with anybody anymore. 

I guess I am fortunate in a way, that my mom is a full-on hermit and can not stand the thought of someone staying at her house.  Well, MAYBE me, but definitely not my brother who lives out of town.  I refuse to ever live or stay with her.  And after our last vacation together, over 10 years ago when she was still in good health, I swore I'd never do THAT again either. 

I think, if you go, you're right, you will end up taking on caregiving duties at least for the period of time you are there.  And short, pleasant visits don't seem to be an option right now.  I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

[walking on broken glass]

Has your mom even asked you to come and help, or are you just thinking this is what you "should" do based on others' opinions?

That is a very good question. My mum never asks anything directly. She drops hints and expects you to ask accordingly. When she first got ill, I had asked her if she wanted me to go, and she said no, and I said to her ok, but if you decide you want me to come, you will have to tell me. She never did. I am not sure if she doesn't want me there or doesn't want to ask. I am certain she does not want both me and my partner there. She is extremely awkward around him and now I know that she thinks he is evil and has made me evil too. He 'changed' me. If you knew my partner, you would understand how ridiculous this idea is. He is a warm, considerate person, who is always accommodating and non-confrontational.

I have also noticed that she has a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' behaviour with other relatives too. My dad's sister has been helping her a lot, cooking for her and being on call for pretty much everything. My mum constantly finds little things to complain about, e.g. the food was not well cooked, which she follows with a disingenuous 'but I shouldn't complain'. Or she mentions pointedly how my aunt hasn't visited her for a while and when she does, my mum still complains about the visit and how my aunt puts her on edge 🙄

After her first chemo, her sister went to stay with her to help her and my mum was calling her 'my nurse' and insisted she didn't need any help. Yet she expected my aunt to be able to perform some medical services, and when she couldn't, my mum was disappointed and said something like 'no-one can really help me'.

What I am trying to say is that she has a history of not wanting people around her but at the same time resenting it if they don't show her the required attention. Classic covert narcissistic behaviour.

The only person I have never heard her complain about is my sister. She listens to all the advice sis gives her, follows her will blindly, and in general is delighted to have her around. She was praising her to me, when sis was there over Christmas. But sis has the emotional maturity of a toddler, is very needy, and gives the appearance of being very obliging and helpful, even if she is actually doing zilch. So mum and sis are happily feeding off each other.

In sum, it is very possible that she doesn't want me to stay with her, because she doesn't know how to deal with me emotionally. You are right that our presence there last time might have set her off. At the same time, I am sure she would hate having to explain my absence to the extended family because she cares about appearances and she wants people to think we are a happy, close family.

[TimetoHeal]

Has your mom even asked you to come and help, or are you just thinking this is what you "should" do based on others' opinions?

That is a very good question. My mum never asks anything directly. She drops hints and expects you to ask accordingly. When she first got ill, I had asked her if she wanted me to go, and she said no, and I said to her ok, but if you decide you want me to come, you will have to tell me. She never did. I am not sure if she doesn't want me there or doesn't want to ask. I am certain she does not want both me and my partner there. She is extremely awkward around him and now I know that she thinks he is evil and has made me evil too. He 'changed' me. If you knew my partner, you would understand how ridiculous this idea is. He is a warm, considerate person, who is always accommodating and non-confrontational.

I have also noticed that she has a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' behaviour with other relatives too. My dad's sister has been helping her a lot, cooking for her and being on call for pretty much everything. My mum constantly finds little things to complain about, e.g. the food was not well cooked, which she follows with a disingenuous 'but I shouldn't complain'. Or she mentions pointedly how my aunt hasn't visited her for a while and when she does, my mum still complains about the visit and how my aunt puts her on edge 🙄

After her first chemo, her sister went to stay with her to help her and my mum was calling her 'my nurse' and insisted she didn't need any help. Yet she expected my aunt to be able to perform some medical services, and when she couldn't, my mum was disappointed and said something like 'no-one can really help me'.

What I am trying to say is that she has a history of not wanting people around her but at the same time resenting it if they don't show her the required attention. Classic covert narcissistic behaviour.

The only person I have never heard her complain about is my sister. She listens to all the advice sis gives her, follows her will blindly, and in general is delighted to have her around. She was praising her to me, when sis was there over Christmas. But sis has the emotional maturity of a toddler, is very needy, and gives the appearance of being very obliging and helpful, even if she is actually doing zilch. So mum and sis are happily feeding off each other.

In sum, it is very possible that she doesn't want me to stay with her, because she doesn't know how to deal with me emotionally. You are right that our presence there last time might have set her off. At the same time, I am sure she would hate having to explain my absence to the extended family because she cares about appearances and she wants people to think we are a happy, close family.

Yep, yep.  Couldn't find a "nodding head" emoji, but that is exactly what I was doing as I read your post.  I am convinced now we have the same mother.  That is exactly what my mom does - put everyone in a double bind situation, where you can never win.  Everyone who does help her out, she "can't live without" but they also "drive her insane".  I've been wondering if this was covert narcissistic behavior or borderline.  I guess it doesn't really matter what the label is.

For myself, I am coming to the place where I am willing to do only the bare minimum and only if she asks me directly.  If she doesn't, she doesn't, and other people's opinions be damned. Excuse my language.  No, I'm not there yet, but making progress, because I am just so tired of the games.  And I have my own health problems and a grown child with special needs.  Enough is enough from her.

I'm sorry that your mother is like this, and sorry that living far away has its own set of challenges.  You can't do the obligatory "quick check ins" and leave. But, looking at it positively, there's more reason you CAN'T just pop in whenever she wants/needs something. 

Your partner sounds like a wonderful man.  I'll bet your mom can't stand that she can't control him.   

[walking on broken glass]

For myself, I am coming to the place where I am willing to do only the bare minimum and only if she asks me directly.  If she doesn't, she doesn't, and other people's opinions be damned. Excuse my language.

I love this! I am slowly getting myself in the habit of doing the same.

It's really annoying that no one else in the family can see how manipulative my mum can be. Everyone thinks she is so self effacing and sacrificial. I guess I also thought that until recently. But she has shown her true colours.

Your partner sounds like a wonderful man.  I'll bet your mom can't stand that she can't control him. 

That's such an interesting thought! I had never thought of that. I always thought of my mum as someone who tends to relinquish control. For instance, my dad was always the dominant personality between the two, and my mum was happy to let him take the lead in almost everything; and as regards my sister, my mum is very much in her grip. I wonder if she feels more comfortable with people who can control her, and that she, in her turn, can exercise control over people who are more mellow. But then she resents herself for feeling that pull towards control? I don't know if this is making any sense! I will have to think about it some more 

I am so sorry your mum is like that too, Time to heal. You are being wise looking after yourself and your child. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sounds like your mum could be an inverted narcissist, WOBG. I don't know whether you identify your late father as narcissistic or not, I think I remember yes. But the dependency on just one person, your sister's problematic traits, how she all at once seems dependent and controlling, and how she melts her own brain to conform to what the primary person's opinions are fits that description for me.

[walking on broken glass]

I only knew of vulnerable or covert narcissists but had not come across the concept of inverted narcissism before! Thanks so much, Call me Cordelia! This makes so much sense!