Threatening Family Services and Grandparent Rights

[Penny20657]

I've recently become NC with my mother and I gave birth to my third child several weeks ago. I hadn't been speaking with my mother for several months prior except for some attempts on her part. The current attempt has been the most escalated behaviour so far, although she did trespass and enter my home a few months ago because she was "desperate" and the door was mistakenly unlocked.

Last week she called, I saw the call come in and went "hmm" and put my phone back in my pocket. This week she called me in the morning saying things like happy Easter, wondering if I can see the kids, call me back. An *hour and a half* after that call, she showed up at my door, knowing my husband wouldn't be home I'm sure. I didn't answer. She left me a voicemail (while standing on my porch) saying she's consulted a lawyer about access to her grandchildren and if she doesn't hear from me about seeing them she will take next steps with a lawyer or family services. I am not worried about a lawyer or family services looking into our family, there's nothing to be found. Grandparent rights also aren't a thing in the province I live in and have had this confirmed by lawyer friends and other experiences of friends of friends. But like, does she think I can't work Google to look up grandparents rights for our province? As a professional working with lawyers, that I don't have personal or professional contacts with lawyers to fact check her threats? Does she think this threat is going to make me want her to see my kids? And what, we'd sit in the same room for her to visit with the kids and make small talk when she just threatened me with legal action?

My lawyer friends (not family lawyers) have suggested that I speak with my own lawyer and possibly get a cease and desist. I felt really angry initially. Now I don't feel much, because of course she would threaten this, it's not surprising. I also feel disappointed that it's come to this. I think a part of me was still hoping that NC wouldn't be permanent and if I wanted to in the future, it might be possible to try to have a relationship with her again, but I feel like this forces my hand and really has destroyed that possibility. She kidnapped me basically when I was an early teen. If she is threatening these things, could she do something really crazy to jeopardize the safety of my kids? But then the self doubt creeps in and I wonder if I am overreacting and just going through the motions of what other people suggest if I speak with a lawyer. If other people have been through this, was this type of threat your own point of "no return"?

[GoodPesto]

Hi Penny20657,

I am sorry to read about this.
From what I understand, it could have created a major narcissistic injury to have been excluded from your life during the important time of pregnancy and birth of your child. From what I experienced people are better not underestimated in this state because they are acting out their pain ruthlessly. So no to your doubts with regard to overreacting. To me your anger is the rational response to this threat combined with infringement of your boundaries.
It's great you have professional support at hand and an understanding of juristical matters yourself.

It's hard to answer your questions. This is a tough spot you're in and you're sitting with the pain of disappointment/ death of hope/ possibly no return on top.

This might have been a deceptive maneuvre fueled by powerlessness. You know her, you can probably tell. It wouldn't make it less dangerous but it might give you another angle to respond if that seems the case.

You got this!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hadn't been speaking with my mother for several months prior

she did trespass and enter my home a few months ago

she showed up at my door

And she's threatening YOU with legal action??? This is all horrible. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Does she think this threat is going to make me want her to see my kids? And what, we'd sit in the same room for her to visit with the kids and make small talk when she just threatened me with legal action?

It's definitely mind-boggling, and no, you are not the one overreacting, dear Penny. She wants what she wants and she doesn't think for one moment that she bears any responsibility for her relationship with you and your children. It's all entitlement! She can treat you any way she wishes and you have to do what she wants no matter what.

I feel like this forces my hand and really has destroyed that possibility. She kidnapped me basically when I was an early teen. If she is threatening these things, could she do something really crazy to jeopardize the safety of my kids?

Yes. If you are at all wondering whether she could go so far as to jeopardize your children's safety, you have your answer. This was all her choice, her doing, first to treat you such that you were driven to remove her from your life in the first place and then instead of showing the slightest interest in fixing what put you to that point, went the route of stalking and harassment and making threats. This is not a good grandmother! I think you're absolutely right there's no coming back from this, and it's all because of her choices and her behavior.

And yes, I've been there with my own parents. I'd gone NC, ignored all the messages and phone calls etc. like you, for several months. Until we found out ny father was making up lies about me such as we had no food in our house and was trying to see my kids behind my back. We are confident he intended to weaponize child services against my husband and me. I asked for a break and some space and this was somehow the logical response to that. Nope. He showed himself worse than I had ever imagined. He went the scorched earth route, willing to cause me and my innocent children who knows what harms to get his way. I completely agree, it's a narcissistic injury that makes them go unhinged. There's no working with someone like this.

We did end up seeing a lawyer and sending that cease and desist. It's worked beautifully for six years of blessed silence. I wish you all the best. Please let us know how you are doing. This is the worst stress I've been through in my life.

[Dinah-sore]

Wow, i am so sorry this has been going on. I totally agree with the other comments. Her behavior is terrifying. Definitely huge red flags. Stay safe.