Finally posting instead of lurking

[ImALittleUnsteady]

So here I go, posting finally. It's such a relief, a gift, to find this site. Our therapist recommended this website and the corresponding book to me. Me-62 year old female, Farm woman, retired teacher, 2nd career as a nurse, Mother to 3 adult children, Nana to 2 muchly loved Grandbabies, Dog Mama, Cow wrangler, Manager of the household finances, Scheduler of appointments, a college graduate with 3 degrees, a specialist in supporting adults and children with autism and other neurodivergent tendencies, a nurse currently working with medically fragile infants and children in long term care settings.. I have many roles, wear many hats, and yet the defining role in my life is that of a spouse of a PD adult male, 61. The outside world, my co-workers, friends, casual acquaintances, view me, all of us, in so many roles, would use so many different words to describe us.... and yet, my most powerful, life defining part is that of spouse to my husband. It's a secret, unspoken, silent role. It dictates my activities, my decisions, my day to day schedule. It decides where we spend holidays, who we see casually, who our friends are, where we attend church, what gifts and who I purchase for at Christmas; It chooses my circle of friends, my work schedule, my recreational activities. My relationship with my PD spouse has 100% defined my life, changed my life. What I have chosen to do, to not do; it has directed my relationships with my now adult children, how I raised our children, what our household dynamics looked like when they were children... Whoosh... I could go on and on and on. But, I don't need to, as I'm certain you all get it. Finally, a group of people I can be unabashedly, unashamedly honest and vulnerable with. All the ugly, the good, the bad, the conflicting emotions of living with and loving someone with PD. Some days I love him, some days I tolerate him, some days I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen another path. Here I am, almost 40 years later, still waking up and choosing him, day after day. That sounds like some kind of saccharine romance move line. It's not. It's not pretty, it's not easy, it's not romantic, it's not some sort of beautiful self-sacrificial commitment to him. It's mostly because I'm too tired to disentangle myself from him and the farm. And occasionally, it's because he does manage to recognize how damaged he is and is able to make an effort. It's because he's a survivor of SA, grew up in a nuclear wasteland of toxic family relationships, and because I pity him. And because through hard work and lots of therapy, and I'm learning to love myself more than I love him.  And if I don't stop with this "short" introduction, I will never stop writing. Thank you all for reading and listening.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @ImALittleUnsteady -


I work in one of the fields you listed and just like with a loved one, I apply the concept of radical acceptance daily to the things in the system I am part of that I can't control when problems happen that I didn't create.  I find myself in a similar position.  I can't really leave my career bc I have too much time invested (plus $$$ for my schooling) and I work with damaged people who also sometimes also have that moment of clarity where sticking it out makes it worth the struggle.

we have a strong community of people who are in it for the long haul with their spouse/ loved one, and I know your voice will be welcomed and appreciated as you share your journey.

Comitted to Working On It

something I have to tell myself in my journey is that I don't have to keep on taking on MORE to prove I can handle it ALL.  this was my first academic year of saying NO to as much ancillary stuff as possible and it has been freeing to say the least.  NO is my self care plan.

when you are ready to share more- we're listening! hope to see you on the boards soon!