Triggered by unfriendly/mean interactions

[Pinkos]

I am realizing that I'm surrounding by a$$holes where I live and work and it's affecting me more than I realize. I've written previously about problems I've had organizing tenants in my building and issues with my boss at work.

After a lot of reflection, I realize that the behavior of the tenants (towards me) in my building has been a huge source of anxiety. Without rehashing the draining dynamic of the tenant organizing efforts I embarked on during the pandemic, the tenants have been unsupportive, disingenuous and rude towards me. A couple weeks ago, one female tenant basically closed the door in my face as I was right behind her about to enter the building. When I let myself in she was standing right by the door where the mailboxes are and I said "you could've left the door open for me" and she said she didn't know it was me, which is utter bs.

I just saw today that another tenant is moving out and it's confirming a persistent feeling that I've had that these tenants just had no interest in improving conditions and self-advocating and they were feigning interest all along and wasting my time. But beyond that it feels very personal to me and I'm feeling hurt by that. I feel like it's more than the fact that they didn't want to really help with the organizing - it's their utter lack of neighborly feeling and detachment/rudeness in general that's really gotten under my skin. Just on a human level. I keep feeling like I was used and now I'm being "left behind" as 2 of them have moved out. It doesn't help that the problems in the building haven't changed. This is probably an emotional flashback. Just to be clear, I've chosen to disengage from the organizing efforts and from these tenants. I've stopped all text or calls. I've been DONE with them for the past 2 years but it still affects me. I don't want it to and I'm trying to understand why when I've chosen to disengage completely. But of course I still try to be polite when I run into them. One tenant moved out a few months ago and I was hurt that she didn't even send me a text or tell me she was moving out. I found out from the pest control guy and then she sent a flippant text to the group. But I felt like her and I had been somewhat friendlier and exchanged many texts. Although I backed off from that once I realized she was insincere and didn't want to help with the organizing efforts, but she was so happy to text endlessly to gossip or complain about maintenance issues. So I backed off. But I still felt hurt that she didn't see it fit to say "hey just wanted to let you know I'm moving out etc." I felt like I was supposed to go to her even in that moment. Never the other way around. That's why I pulled back to begin with.

Then I go to work and I have a co-worker who sits next to me who just has such a nasty disposition and although I've tried to maintain a civil *good morning, good evening* level of contact with her she was giving me such nasty energy whenever I greeted her that I've now stopped and we don't speak at all.

Lately, I see a link between a lot of my anxiety, fear and insomnia symptoms and these cold, withholding, and unfriendly interactions (or non-interactions) with people around me. I feel it shouldn't matter. These are not important people in my life after all. But I feel like it does affect me a lot. Does this make sense? I feel like I need to be detached and unbothered and how can I survive life if I expect everyone to like me. But I feel starved for kindness and friendliness. I'm not even asking for a friendship with any of these people. Just a basic level human kindness and conversation. Does it feel like people are meaner and cruder lately or am I just in a depressive funk? Or is this the social media effect? I feel myself wanting to avoid social interactions for fear of having more mean and unfriendly dynamics with people. It just feels like people have zero interest in those around them and yet they are so defensive at the same time. Very little curiosity or interest in others. I had a plumber come to change my faucets a couple weeks ago and he talked at me the whole time and did that thing where he just waited for me to stop talking so he could continue monologuing. My cortisol levels were so high after he left. It feels like a lot of interactions with people are like that these days. I think the social callousness is draining and depressing me.

I've also noticed that people rarely smile at me and I didn't realize how much I was picking up on that subconsciously.

[notrightinthehead]

Thank you for this interesting topic. I can relate to what you describe, I call it my thin skinned phase. When I look for friendliness, kindness, confirmation from strangers - in all the wrong places. I have found that such phases usually go along with a deep seated insecurity and self doubts. Some event has triggered me and all the self care, the hard worked for self confidence, the feeling good about myself falls away, and I become that beaten and neglected puppy, crawling around and begging for bread crumbs. Not a good feeling.

It might be time for some serious self care, giving yourself compassion, love and nourishment. It might be time to look after yourself and your own interests and do things that make you happy. Let all these ungrateful and unfriendly people be with themselves and be the kind and loving mother to yourself, the one that comforts you and picks you up and tells you that you are OK!

[walking on broken glass]

I can vouch for how awful organising tenants can be. In our building we hired a company to do that because some people were impossible. And rudeness does affect me a lot too. I get really worked up after interactions with rude, inconsiderate people. I travel a lot these days and you can see the worst of people on flights and in queues. Everyone is out for themselves and don't give a s**t about others!

I think you need to balance this out by surrounding yourself with caring humans, both in real life and online (social media in particular can be a very nasty and toxic place). And match the energy you receive, as you are doing for instance with that person in the office.

[Pinkos]

@notrightinthehead that's exactly it! It's my 'emotional beggar' phase. And I know cognitively that I'm just making myself feel worse by ruminating about all the ways in which people are being rude, thoughtless, etc etc and I try really hard to stop the spiral. Writing this out here last night helped.

@WOBG It's so interesting that you mentioned "matching energy" because that's been my mantra lately. I've been working hard to go by intuition and not my head when relating to others. I've realized that all the mean girls have grown up into mean women. That's the dynamic at play at work. There are also those who fake smile at you and show you fake warmth but I catch them in certain moments when they're not pretending and the energy unkind or envious & revealing of their true feeling towards me. It's been quite a journey to tap into my intuition more and to TRUST IT even if I can't fully rationalize why I need to distance myself from someone.

The rude and the inconsiderate people. *sigh*

I didn't even know you could hire people to organize tenants! Wow. Yeah I have a lot of lingering resentment around that still and I WISH I had matched energy & stopped myself but I think I was going through my 'emotional beggar' phase at that time during the pandemic and I was feeling desperate for social support (there were real concerns with the building as well). I think that's why it feels so personal. And they were so unkind and rude in many ways. I didn't protect myself and leaned in instead. So I'm also mad at myself.